Page II
If one is reading my pages, I suppose it would be helpful to know that I add to the top of the page rather than the bottom.
now on to page III
12/28/10
Alright, now and so, what of karma? Remember that belief system that says we reap what we sow through reincarnation? I believe that is a part of this grand design. There would be nothing learned from committing horrid crimes, if we got away with it over and over again. What do you think? I think this may be where the idea of hell comes into play. Since all time is now, we are altering not only our own focus reality, but all the realities of which we are participating and all those who are participating with us. Therefore, there would most certainly be repercussions to our actions, in fact quite farther reaching than we might ever imagine.
I am suggesting that we are given this outline for the reality we are preparing to experience. How we handle the experiences that we have either reaped or sown would have a direct effect on all the other aspects of our alternative realities. Say, part of our outline was to find ourselves in a position to be so angry, perhaps justified, that we are presented with the decision as to whether we might take another person’s life. Say we choose not to follow through with the action. We find another way to resolve the issue at hand. Then how might this affect the other aspects of our alternative realities? Might it not change all of them for the better? What if we do follow through rashly without consideration for the consequences and we kill another human being, we take away their vehicle for soul growth in this reality. How would that affect the other realities?
I have a feeling that is where the idea of “thou shalt not kill”… even your own self comes from. You have taken away a soul vehicle even if it is your own. You have cut short the opportunity for soul growth in this particular reality and perhaps all of the other ones as well. Now that is the most serious of crimes perhaps.
Now what of someone, that soul being in a position of power over another, who deliberately hurts someone else perhaps devastating another soul? That person has altered a soul’s experience of life perhaps to that of a nightmare. That was not the plan, but it happened. An aspect of a soul has lost the chance to redeem him or her self as well as inflicted suffering on another. How does this affect the other realities? Does it heap more pain for that soul to deal with in all its realities? Does that soul have to pay the consequences for its deeds? I suspect so. I think we are here to learn and grow. We are being given the same set of questions on our test; and how we answer those questions will determine our grade or other soul experiences in all our other realities. And relatively, we have free will in determining these answers to our test.
I wonder what would be worse; a God judging our actions and casting us into heaven or hell. Or we go back to our soul group and look at our selves through the crystalline facets of our Soul Diamond. To face one’s self, not once, but through myriad facets of one self, and know that you have set your whole soul gestalt back to a failed test that must be taken again… and again… until we get it right. That would most surely be hell to me. That would be burning in the damnation of hell fire… and having to face all of yourself, the entire gestalt of which you are a part!
What if we pass the test, and we do not wreck havoc on our fellow man? What if we turn our lives around and deal with our life experience with the spirit of a Christ or Buddha Consciousness? Would we have the heaven of having all of our soul alternative aspects raised up in consciousness in all of our realities? I suspect that we do! I suspect we would have passed a test and would not have to deal with that set of circumstances again. Now that would be heaven to my way of thinking.
I believe our "soul" purpose here is to aspire to the "soul consciousness" of a Christ or a Buddha, for example. I believe we are working to that purpose in a myriad number of alternative realities. I believe that we are repeating the test until we get it right not just in one other reincarnation, but an infinite number of them all going on at once. I believe that we are continually assessing our progress and changing even our outline of life as a result. And, I believe this goes on for eternity.
Science has proven through space travel that we experience time differently in outer space than here on the back of our Earth Mother. Here we have a linear experience. We need it for the test. But on the soul level there is no linear time, only space to experience in. It makes me think of what I have heard called Indian time… which to me is very much like animal time. (which is my aspiration at this time) The focus is now, doing what needs to be done now, enjoying or suffering what is happening now. All we have is now! In that regard, all time is now.
It’s my theory, my belief system. I’ve read and studied and listened to many different kinds of gurus of one sort or another. At some point, you stop seeking and start formulating your own belief system. That does not mean that you are not presented with new ideas or you shut yourself off from new theories. Quite the contrary, I am more open to other spiritual belief systems than I have been in my entire life, I do believe.
I have a belief system, but it is fluid, it can change… I can revise it. I am always open to Spirit to direct me on my Path, to help me find my Way. And I find that it is always broadening; always I am presented with confirmation or new facets to my belief system. They can come in the form of inspiration as in these writings. They can come in the form of a book or a movie that simply jumps out to me. Inspiration can come while hugging a tree, gently nudging an animal to feel your presence without touching it, communing with Nature, a Thunderstorm. Inspiration is everywhere if you can still your conscious mind so that you might receive it. Anyway that is how it is with me.
When we stop learning, then we are dead. Or are we? I feel we are merely reassessing for another go round. Perfection takes time, and we have all the time in the world! LOL Since all time is now, and we are experiencing right now! But I believe it behooves us to choose carefully how we move through our experiences, or pay the consequences… not just once, but for more times than we can even begin to fathom.
Like a stone thrown into a pool, our waves ripple out and converge with other wave rings. We need to be supremely careful as to how we disrupt those converging rings… for good or evil. For ultimately, we will reap what we sow...
Anyway... that is as I feel it is...
12/26/10 (with some slight revisions)
So, if my supposition is correct then we are in collusion and what is happening with me is happening to everyone connected with me. My children are always my children in this alternative reality. We are always together by mutual agreement. Whatever is happening to one of us is part of a grand plan that we have all agreed upon for the greater good of our souls. So there is no, “I am in this alone,” this is happening to me. We are all in it together and it is happening to all of us by mutual consent for the greater good of the whole. Like cogs in a wheel we turn and lock into the reality of another for whatever “time,” for lack of a better word, that we have agreed upon.
Our souls are interrelated and we are here on Earth School to groom our selves, to polish the surface of our crystalline personas until we are smooth as baby butts, again for lack of a better word! LOL Baby butts really are smooth and they are also soft and give when you touch them. I suspect we are more like baby butts than we might think. We come into a reality soft and malleable. We are here to learn and grow. And if we knew why we were here, it would not be a test, now would it? If you have all the answers to a test before you receive it, then you learn nothing by merely plugging the answers in. But, if you have been studying and have internalized what you need to know to pass that test, then it’s truly a test… and you pass or fail by your own effort and ability at the time.
There is no cheating life. I am a firm believer that we come into this life with an outline; we fill in the blanks as we go along. But, the wonderful part of Earth School is that we might even change the outline if all parties of the alternative reality agree to do so.
There is no heaven or hell, per se, in my belief system. There is no need for it. There is “learn and grow,” then go back and assess the growth. If there are still things to garner from the experience, then we will probably keep repeating it until we have it down to a science. When there is nothing else to learn, and we are pure of soul as say a Jesus or a Buddha. Then we, all, agree to move on to another grand learning experience.
Now, is there ever a time when we have learned all we need to know; especially on the grand scale of a Soul? I don’t think so. Therefore, we can continue an alternative reality indefinitely or at least until we are polished smooth as a baby’s butt.
And then, what of all of the other alternative realities we are experiencing? Are they as complicated as this one I am experiencing now with the complete collusion of all my relations? I believe they are. Since all time is now, I believe that they are all being funneled back into the Over Soul constantly so that the whole is being influenced by each of these alternative realities until our Over Soul is polished as smooth as a satin fabric. Perhaps then, we begin to function as Over Souls for our own gestalt pyramid. But, who would know when or how that might be occurring since we would all be experiencing all in a space without the constraints of time as we know it here. And that, children, in my humble opinion, would mean that the crown of our pyramid would be known to us as our Creator. Wha-lah! God!
So, if my theory holds water, there is no place for heaven or hell. It is all happening right now for the greater good of all. And when it is all over, there shall be a lot fewer of us than we can imagine! LOL Maybe there will only be “One” of us that “One” being in and through all things. I know at first it is hard to conceive. Yes, children? But it is the only conclusion that I can find for this theory of which I truly feel I am a part as are all of us whether we realize it or not.
Now, I hear you asking, what about a Hitler? That is hard for me to say as a mere mortal here. Perhaps if an aspect of a soul is so tainted, it can be destroyed. But then again, what about a Judas? Was he in collusion with Jesus? Let’s not even open the can of worms as to whether the Jesus story is fact or myth. That is best kept to another time. Did Judas agree to play his part either here or on some level of soul growth? If so then he will continue to be part of the gestalt to learn and grow from the experience. As well the victims of Hitler who suffered at his hands learn and grown from the horror of their experience. And, we, as a collective society learn and grow from the horror of that experience as well. I won't even touch on the suffering of the Indigenous People of this country. That's way to close to home for me right now. But here again we must accept that there is a reason for all that happens; and that is for the greater good of all.
Remember, we come into this Earth School with a brief outline so to speak and we fill in the blanks as we go along or we agree on another level say in our sleep perhaps, to change the outline altogether. Some of us carry ourselves gracefully through our experiences no matter how difficult. And some of us do not. By design? That, I do wonder.
In my paradigm there is no need for a heaven or a hell, only process… trial and error with a lot of pain thrown in at times so that we might learn whatever it is we are here to learn, so that we may become the best human beings that we can be. And then, make that “big jump into the sky” where we perhaps eventually take the role of Over Soul in our own pyramid gestalt through eternity.
I definitely believe that there is bleed over between these alternative realities and they do influence our lives and sometimes can even come into our consciousness depending on our ability to pick them up. I believe some of us do it better than others. Not that it would be better necessarily, but possible. I believe that is what we touch on when we work with hypnosis to discover 'past lives' for lack of a better word. I would actually call them alternative realities as they go on as do the current focus of our soul experience. I feel that through hypnosis we discover which of our alternative realities is most influencing our current experiences. We are as cogs on a wheel ever turning within hundreds of other cogs on other wheels throughout eternity until God, Creator, All that Is, is smooth as a well cut diamond.
Then what? You got me! LOL As my old daddy said to me one time, “Greater minds than ours have gone insane trying to figure out the nature of God and the meaning of life.” He was not an educated man, but he was highly intelligent and had he had the benefit of higher education there is no telling what the man could have done. However, I am quite sure that he was doing exactly what he was put here to do. And I am grateful for the time that I had with him in his last years so that I grew to know the man he truly was.
And I know for me the role of Over Soul would be totally entertaining, just a thought, but a good one. I have always loved books and movies about ancient history and science fiction/fantasy among others. I believe it would be like an elaborate chess game perhaps played with other Over Souls for the highest good of us all. Over Souls that is; pretty hard on the chessmen/pawns sometimes, however. But isn’t that the way of life?
Anyway, that’s enough for tonight. I’m drained of “stuff to share”… I love this whether anyone reads it or not. LOL Good night, children.
12/25/10
I had a lovely day with my family, my children and my grandchildren and my mom. It was fun to visit with my adult children and their spouse. And my grandchildren were as always a delight! I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and of course, I ate too much!
We ate a delicious dinner that I had no hand in preparing. Now that is nice. I don’t really like to cook all that much. But lately, I have been finding myself wanting to cook. I made pumpkin bread and cranberry salad all from scratch last night. And I did it purely because I wanted to.
In the last many years since the death of my husband and daughter, I did not want to cook. It felt like pulling hen’s teeth as the old saying goes. And I had to force myself to do so. I didn’t care to cook before the deaths, but I did it with some pleasure and I was a good cook. I enjoyed the holiday cooking for example. Now of a sudden for about the last year I have been finding myself wanting to cook for family gathers, not just for me. My focus seems a bit different now. And I suspect that I am the aspect of myself that I was before the deaths or else we are just slipping back and forth between these two realities. Probably we are having “bleed through”… maybe it is all bleed through.
This could sound like I’m schizophrenic. LOL I’m not. I don’t see or talk to people who are not present, and I am not split into different personalities. I merely experience the world a bit differently. And I credit that to my belief in gestalt theory of soul experience and the idea that we experience more than one life time simultaneously. I had no nightmare experience in my childhood that might have split my personality. I had too much responsibility and felt the stress of it, but many, many individuals especially the oldest sibling such as I have that same experience. It does not result in schizophrenia.
I think if you are willing to look at life from “outside the box” and open your mind to new belief systems, you often receive more from life than if you merely accept all that you see in your world. I never ever accepted all that I saw. I always knew there was something more, and that it was something that could be brought into consciousness. As a young person, pre and teen years, I would always look at the sky with the clear knowledge that I came from out there somewhere. One of those stars was most surely my home, and I would be much more myself there. I longed to go home. I think that is perhaps a strange mindset for a child, but perhaps not.
I read voraciously as an escape as well as for the pure pleasure of it. I was always an open mind to every idea and time through history. I would for a time, perhaps years, be drawn to one type of book; say the Victorian Age or Ancient Egypt. I would devour everything I could find on the subject as though I was almost living in that period. Then my taste would change and I would read about life in Asian countries for long periods of time. Whatever I was reading felt to me like I was living it, and that it was important to feel that. I do blame this on Gestalt Theory of the Soul as well as the concept that all time is now. If my life time “now” was being influenced by say an alternative reality in Asia during a certain period, then I would want and feel the need for more of that in my life. That’s how I see it.
And as far as these soul aspects being different from each other, I just don’t think that is the case. Each aspect is an aspect of our selves, of the greater soul or Over Soul for lack of a better word. We, all aspects, are merely facets of the greater self. I like the metaphor of a Crystal for the soul fractured into mired facets, each separate, but still a recognizable part of the whole. So that it is really some what like the pyramid schemes. The aspects are affecting the soul to an effect, which is soul growth. Wha-lah… there we have it, gestalt reality.
This makes sense to me. But then again, it is a theory. We will not know until we pass through the door out of this reality, the door of death. Only then will we know what our existence is really about. But, one can speculate. And that comes easy for me. We can only go deep into our hearts… souls perhaps… and trust that still small voice of intuition. Jesus said go into your temple that part of you that is with God, and trust what you have been given. That is it, People. That’s what I do.
I know I stress Christians out with my comparisons. I read the bible and I frequently hear something completely different than most Christians. No one is telling me what it says; I figure it out from my own life’s experience and knowledge. I used to say I was a non traditional Christian, but I knew that was a lie. I simply do not believe that Jesus is the son of God anymore than I am his daughter. And I feel that was what Jesus was trying to say. It is man who screws things up with small mindedness. I can only imagine the frustration of a soul so advanced as a Jesus Christ. It truly must have been like “casting pearls before swine.” Well, swine that were loved as brethren; swine who had just barely climbed out of caves and needed guidance to keep from eating each other alive… figuratively, of course! LOL I know, I’m terrible!
NiteyNite…
12/24/10
Here I am again first thing this morning. It seems like there is something to express first off.
Now, most of what I have been expressing below is about feelings, intuition, and images. These are what I am experiencing. However, when I come here they must be translated into thoughts or “I think.” I am much more a person of emotion, premonition, and visualization… much more so now than ever. If you are focused into the present as much as possible, then you have slowed your thought processes. By that I mean your mind is more quiet than usual. I don’t have a lot of chatter going on inside my head. That leaves room to allow more of the focus mentioned above. My emotions are closer to the surface. I am able to intuitively pick up on certain things that would not have been apparent to me in my previous way of focusing into the world. And I am visualizing these intuitions. A better way of expressing this might be to say that my intuitions are more like images with emotion than thoughts per se. To me, thoughts are words.
How can I express this? I believe that it is like vision. We walk around all the time viewing what is in front of us. We have peripheral vision, of course, but most of the time we are focused into what we see in front of us. What I am learning is how to not only look at what is in front of me, but to perceive my peripheral vision just as clearly. It’s like my mind is seeing everything, not just what is in front of me.
I can pick up emotions of both humans and animals more easily, for example, in this way of being than ever I have before. Things… ideas, solutions, reactions… all come faster than ever before as well. I am experiencing my world in a different way. As I grow stronger at this I am learning more about who I am. But I have to learn how to deal with emotions differently as well as intuition. All my senses are heightened in this way of being in the world. Therefore, I can easily be taken off guard simply because my mind is not working like most people around me. I am not judging or calculating. I am experiencing, learning, and growing.
And in that I believe that I am becoming closer to the nature of animals. I still have my thought processes, of course. I can reason my way through whatever I need to reason my way through. I’m not blundering around in my life like a zombie. But I am learning what it is to be in the world in the way of animals trusting and accepting. I am learning that I am not a victim of my conscious mind! I can slow those thought processes and frequently halt them altogether for very long periods of time. AND, more importantly, I am learning that I am more peaceful so that what I need mentally is at hand more easily as in say expressing myself here.
I believe that this is the way of ancient Indigenous Peoples the world over. As “civilization” or the white man colonized the world this way of being was largely lost. I know that I am not alone in these ways of which I speak. I know that I have read about them in different forms or heard these ideas expressed in different ways over the many years of my research and spiritual evolution. But I say to you now, there is a huge difference between reading something, studying it, and internalizing it.
Until you internalize it, it is merely a theory, an idea, a thought process. It is something that others have and you do not. It is something that only the very spiritual can obtain or the very intelligent, or the very holy blessed ones. Well, I’m here to tell otherwise. I am no more special than anyone else. I have a high IQ, so I learn faster than others. But, there are plenty of those who have high IQs and are much more learned than I and these are still stuck in a provincial mind set. So it is more than intelligence that allows one to go outside the boundaries of convention.
And in going outside the boundaries of convention I have opened my mind to many different possibilities. I have opened my mind to go into a different way of being in the world. And, it’s pretty difficult to put that into words.
Time for breakfast...
12/23/10 pm
Now below I made the comment that I might contemplate these ideas as though I will sit around and ruminate on them. Nothing is farther from the truth. I know that they are working around in my subconscious, but I spend very little time outside of recording these thoughts here on the subject. Once I start to type here, then the ideas… or theories seem to flow from both my mind and my fingertips. And I know that on some level this is something that I know… or need to understand… or bring to consciousness; because when I am here I do. It just comes pouring out of me.
It’s like writing my novel. I don’t have to think about it too much, it just comes pouring out of me. I need to focus some of my vacation time on that project, but so far I have not spent too much time on it.
12/22/10
Now if all I have written below can be a theory that holds water, what of the idea of all time is now? Are we constantly revising and changing the story as we go along in the sleep state? That is where I have caught glimpses of this other reality. I know it is the same place and time because it picks up with the same individuals dealing with the same set of circumstances. And of course, those individuals appear to be my late husband and I.
For many, many years I have dreamed of a place on a hill nestled in the mountains, a two story white house. In that house I have lived for generations. The time I recall the most often is when we traveled with horse and buggy. But later in a different time period in the early 20th century I still live in this house. It is improved and added to, but it is still the same house. There is a large garden behind the house with rose arbors and other flowering plants and large old trees. Where there had been merely a vegetable garden in the earlier time, there is now a green house. Not a big fancy one, but a small one that is part of the larger garden. There is a porch swing. In the summer it is lovely there. In the winter there is snow. I think it is Pennsylvania. It may explain why that feels so much more like home to me than the state where I was born and spent my childhood. We seem to be happy there in that garden, and I am married to my husband of this life. I can see him playing bad mitten just as we did in our back yard here. In that reality, I see very little of the inner workings of the life, but more of the appearance as though I am watching that life time from a distance.
It is an interesting theory to contemplate, at least for me. I want to try to understand how it might explain our lives. If we are assessing our lives… soul growth at all times to some degree then how does that change things. That would indicate to me a direct influence from the Over Soul. Can an Over Soul focus in all aspects of a gestalt at one time? Hmmm… lordy mercy... LOL I've opened a can of worms for myself! I'm going to have to let them wiggle around in my brain for a time!
12/21/10
This may sound crazy to many, but I do believe that I am starting to understand what is happening in my life. For many years after my husband and daughter died I prayed to be taken from this life if there was an alternative reality where I could be with my family whole to let my soul go there. I still wanted my children to have me as their mother at least an aspect of me that I felt would be me and yet not me. I was suicidal. I could not bear to leave them alone and yet I could not bear to deal with what I was dealing with. I think perhaps that was granted. That would explain so much. It would explain why I still loved my children so much, and yet was not the same. I went through long periods of time trying to cope and keep my sanity or so it felt. Was that as much adjustment to a new reality aspect as it was to mourning?
What if another aspect of my self came into this lifetime, though that was not the original plan. What if that aspect was fighting like hell to fill my shoes and figure out how to cope with my life and find out who this aspect/me was in relationship to my life... their new life... all unbeknownst to said aspect? And would not my change have caused similar stress to the reality I exchanged?
I have recently been having dreams that are so realistic that it makes me wonder about the above theory. I have had vague inklings about the above from the changes in my personality and the things I do not recall of my life before those deaths. These dreams, however, are of my family together and whole. My children are all grown and married, but my relationship with my husband is very rocky and has been for a very long time even before the children were grown. Should this theory be true did I trade one set of problems for another?
I am quite sure that would be the case. In my belief system, this is Earth School. It’s a place to learn and grow, not a place to live happily ever after. Do you really know anyone who has lived happily ever after? I don’t. But, say, a person made this proposition with an Over Soul. Say, it was made at the time… or more than likely before even coming to this reality. Say, it was decided that two aspects would share the same two realities consecutively… meaning that the main focus of one would transfer to the main focus of the other just to see if there is something to grow from in this exchange.
God, this sounds far fetched, but then on another level it does not to me. If all time is now, then this is not stretching out for decades. In this dream reality, my other self is experiencing things that I would not have dreamed would happen. Her marriage is near to crumbling, and she is bitter. Somehow in my extreme depression after the death of my husband and daughter, I thought that being with them would be the answer and that we would live happily ever after. My whole family would live happily ever after together. Now I know there is no happily ever after.
There is Earth School with trials and errors, tests and retests; until we get it right. There are alternative realities smoothing all the rough edges off the crystal of who we are. And when that is finished, then what? Do we evolve into a different level of soul growth? I believe that our existence is beyond our comprehension just as our concept of a Divine Being is beyond mere human comprehension; therefore, some find comfort in a Deity that looks like man and acts like a human being with a whole lot of power. I don't...
I have believed in Alternative Reality Gestalt Theory for decades, in fact, very early on in my study of spirituality. After studying all the world’s religions to one degree or another, I came to the conclusion that it was just not enough to explain what I saw going on all around me. Then by chance I started to find literature on other views of religion and spirituality. I don’t really think there are any coincidences. I believe that everything comes to us when we are ready. I was ready for a whole new belief system that would “blow” most people’s minds. And it was like finding something I already knew of which I was simply being reminded.
Now what with all that has happened in my life would this mean? Have I learned more than I would have had I been focused into one reality instead of split between two aspects of the same reality going on consecutively being shared by two different aspects of the same soul? I know, I have read it a couple of times myself. I can’t find a better way to say it. In any case, how would I know? How do I even know that this could be the case or even a probability? Where does this come from? I don’t think that ideas come to us randomly. I think there is a reason for all that we know or think. I’m not saying that we don’t have free will, but I am saying that perhaps we simply do not know exactly what that phrase means. Do we have free will on this level or is it on another… say, on a Soul level?
I am struggling to remember my life before my husband and daughter died. That actually is not exactly true, I do recall very well my life back to the time just before and after meeting and marrying my husband. My life after my marriage is pretty well in my conscious mind, but before that? No, it is not. It is like I am picking my own brain to recall things from my childhood and teen years.
Sometimes things will come back. Sometimes when I am talking to my siblings things do come back to me better than other times. But oddly enough, it is the emotion that I recall more than the images of what happened. Sometimes I try to pretend that I recall more than I do. Sometimes I see that getting me in hot water, because I think I see my siblings looking as though they don’t believe what I am saying. LOL Hell, sometimes I don’t believe what I’m saying, but I’m trying to say what might match the emotions I am feeling about the situation.
Now for me NOT to recall images is amazing, because I am visualizing ALL the time. If I am talking about something, I’m seeing it in my head. If I am listening to someone or thing, I am seeing it in my head. There is a running cinema in my brain that I experience as I experience reality. I am that visual, and I know that I always have been. I have been told this or that since the deaths so that I do believe it is a memory. But in all honesty, I suspect I visualized it as I was being told by someone else.
In some ways, I am that foreign to this life. I love my children and grandchildren more than I can say. I love the rest of my family in the same way. And yet, I feel like a stranger among my siblings and my past with them. I think I am learning how to be comfortable with them and to understand them, but it is not easy. It’s like I have the love, but not the familiarity. Sometimes I am at a loss as to how to behave with them. Thank God that it is less so with my children, they keep me real. And perhaps it is that they keep my focus here. Or could it be that my experience in both realities with my children is very much the same in many ways.
In some ways, I am much more focused into my spirituality. My job is easy for me when that is all I have to focus on. I’ve been a teacher in many, many realities. I don’t have to think about it too much. I just do it. I am very focused into the Elementals and Animal Spirit Clans. Perhaps this is just because I live alone. I really don’t know. That could well be the case. I need my children and grandchildren to keep me grounded I believe. And they do.
See, random thoughts like these come to me when I least expect it. And for some reason, I don’t think it is an accident... or random thoughts. I think it may all be circling around my purpose here in this lifetime. Did I make a deal with my over soul to trade places with another aspect of my own soul? Did I think it would be easier? Was I fooled by the fact that another aspect was willing to make that switch not realizing that the other reality might have been just as anguished as this one? Is that the soul growth I, we, chose to realize that one must work out the problems here and now that they cannot be avoided, postponed, or traded?
I need to reread this, but not now. It’s still floating around in my brain; I need to let it percolate! lol
12/17/10 - revised 12/18/10 This is therapeutic, I did not expect that.
Today was the last day for two weeks… winter holiday. As a teacher, I am past ready for this break as are my colleagues. We pour ourselves into the lives of our students hoping that through education we will set them free to fly and follow their dreams without fear.... and pass the TAKS test, of course. We do the best we can. In an inner city school, it’s tough. Our kids don’t get many breaks. Most are living in poverty or near to it. As many years as I have been at my school, I no longer see the poor clothing or the sometimes unwashed bodies. I don’t smell the odor they are so sure that I do. I am used to them. I see the inner beauty in each one, even if that one is doing his or her best to be as mean to me as possible. To many, both teachers and students, I am just another white face. That is all they see… teachers and administrators. They think I do not see. A warm word when we are alone in the hall and a cold shoulder when there are others around. There are some exceptions which I truly treasure, though not as many as one would hope. Fortunately for me, I am not there for them.
I am there for the students. Sometimes I do better than others. But I try to make their experience with me a good one. If, they will let me. And that sometimes is a big “if.” The ones who do are precious to me. Most of them do appreciate my efforts, but they are often left in the balance while I deal with discipline. It gets better. I can’t complain under the circumstances. And I love what I do. That helps.
This year I am only the art teacher, and I am really loving my job again! For the last four years I was the Liaison for an Art Grant. The teachers at my school not only did not cooperate, they were down right bitter that I held the position. I have to give them credit, a whole lot of them cannot stand to see me get anything special. And the administrators cannot give me credit in front of them. They don’t seem to think I notice as I said above. I’m not stupid, in fact, I’m very intelligent. I get along. That’s fine with me. And as I said, there are those few who make me feel like I am part of the school. Most of those are in the elective group, who are very supportive of each other. I love that. It feels good to have the support. And then there are those few outside my group who are nice to me as well. It makes work a lot easier! LOL I didn't take my job to look for best friends, I took it because I wanted to pay back in some way for my education. I wanted to make a difference. As long as I feel like I am making a difference I will remain. I began to question that in the past years. But I feel that I do now. So, I remain; and I will continue until I feel that I do not make any difference in the lives of these children.
I digress. I came home tired yesterday… drained, but ecstatic due to the holiday break. The Winter Holiday program was a success. My students’ art work was lovely. The tables we set up together with items from home and school that represent Hanukah, Kwanza, and Christmas turned out beautifully with student art work displayed behind. The program was an introduction to all those.
So, home I came, a bit too excited considering the week with its stressors. I ate, and then I phoned my daughter. My granddaughter answered the phone in her most sweet and tender tones. She was delightfully bubbling with laughter with her Grammie. And suddenly for a few seconds I was transported back in time to when her mother was a little girl with that same sort of bubbly voice and laughter. It’s the same when my little grandson answers the phone. His voice is still so youthful and his laugh a delight. And I recall my own little boy at that same age.
Grandchildren are the best. You do not love them more than their parents, your children, but you love that through them you get to relive the best time in your life… when you were raising your own. This time you get the pure pleasure of just enjoying them, because you are not responsible for their upbringing. Sometimes that is hard. I want everything to be perfect for them; I have seen so much that was not in my lifetime. It seems to me that I fought all my life for my children to see that they had more than I. Sometimes I think I did a good job. Other times I feel like an abysmal failure. And sometimes I think I am a good mother to my adult children, and then again I feel like an abysmal failure at that as well.
It seems to me amazing how one staggers along through life doing the best we can in the moment only to look back with such regret at things that have happened in a life… past and present.
When I talk to my daughter there are times when I feel she is tired. It’s like it comes right through the phone. I wish I had more time to help her as a mother should. You know, to watch the children and help with whatever she might need help with. I hear her sweet voice, and I know she is such a good mother… and wife. She makes me proud. And it pains me to think that I have caused her pain in her life as an adult. It hurts more than I can say.
When my life feels beyond my meager ability to cope, I like to hear the sound of my children's and my grandchildren's voices. It reminds me that there is a reason for my life, and there is reason to want to be alive. I'm one of those people that no matter what I do, it never seems to be enough. Somewhere inside me there is a need to take care of everything and everyone. And I am way too small for that... I make mistakes when I feel that way. I have to pull back and reassess my life. I have to find perspective. My children help me do that with just the sound of their voices.
I pray for my family everyday. I pray for their guidance and protection. I pray that I might be a better mother, grandmother, and daughter as well as sibling. I pray that I may be an instrument of the Creator. Every morning at school I pray that I may be Creator’s teacher; and I pray for guidance and direction in every step of my day when I have the lives of someone else’s children in my hands.
Creator, help me to be the best human being I can be; and give me the strength to always listen for your voice in the smallest of my endeavors as well as the largest.
I have to stop. This is making me cry… and that will not do. Crying in this instance is self pity, and I have no room for that in my life.
12/15/10
I almost died today. I’m a diabetic. This morning I woke up with high blood glucose level, almost 300. I took my insulin and called my school to tell them that I would be a little late. Probably all I would need was 15 or 20 minutes of sleep maybe an hour and I would be fine and into work. This happens now and again. I think perhaps I forget to take my insulin because my glucose is a little low, and I think I should eat first. You know if it was going to take me a bit to prepare my meal. So then I am very hunger and plan to take it after. Perhaps I forget. Perhaps it is because sometimes my body is producing insulin and other times it is not, so it changes things.
In any case, this day I did not wake back up until about 1:30. So I know that if I had awakened in the time frame mentioned before, I would have been just fine. But since I did not, the insulin was making my glucose level steadily drop... which is what probably caused me to sleep on and on. When I did wake up it was like pulling my self up from a very deep pit of black water, and all I could do to grab onto my consciousness. My ears were ringing and everything would periodically go completely black. I was dripping wet with sweat my night clothes completely soaked. Perhaps that is what woke me up.
Finally I got awake enough to drag myself from my sweat soaked bed to the kitchen to take my blood sugar to find out what it was, up or down, to know what to do. I was not thinking rationally. If my mind was working normally, I would have known that it was low; but it wasn’t. It was all I could do to take the blood testing. It was down… way down… 46.
This happened once before some weeks ago in the middle of the night. I thought it a fluke, but here it was happening again. I staggered my way to the sofa by feel despite the fact that my living room light was on from the previous evening. It was like moving through that same black pit of water pulling at my every step like my feet were made of lead. I have candy stored in a small foot rest just for such times when my sugar might be dropping too low, I have the same at school. I pulled out some of the little candy bars, and began to eat. I have no idea how many of those little candy bars I ate because I was in a dark hole watching what was happening to me. I knew why I was doing what I was doing, but it did not seem to matter all that much except that I knew on some level I did not want to die. And I was eating as fast as I could. I began to feel like I was waking up. My head was pounding and I felt exhausted. I fell back to sleep there on the sofa and slept until almost 5:00. When I awoke, I first thought it was time to get up for work. Then I realized I was on the sofa and it all came flooding back into my memory.
I felt exhausted like I had wrestled a demon in my sleep when I finally awoke completely. Perhaps I did. What is it that a blood glucose level of 46 wakes me up or at least has twice? That was exactly the number level before. I am still learning how to deal with Diabetes after all these years. Just when I think I know it all, something pops up to say, “Don’t become too complacent, I can kill you yet.”
12/13/10 Revision below
12/7/10
"Mark my words... damned scary times we live in. Right now we got "tea baggers" wanting the same thing Big Business wants... what the hell's wrong with THAT picture, People?
Oh, hell, I'm going to bed!" ...that from me back in Nov.
There it is. I do believe that is the catalyst for the exchange mentioned below. I rarely if ever read back into what I have said days ago. For some reason I was drawn to do so tonight. I don't think that was an accident.
I try to live in the present as much as I can. I think it is much healthier to focus into the present… the moment… like the animals do. It doesn’t mean that I so much want to be like an animal. What I want is to find that peace of mind that comes from living right now thoroughly focused not wandering in my mind through the past or the “what if” of the future. I want to allow Spirit to speak to and through me. I can’t do that when my brain is running a mile a minute. There is sanity in the present moment. There is the trust that wild animals have. They do not worry about what other animals think of them. They do not plot to get even with anyone even without their conscious knowledge. They do not second guess their actions. They trust that Creator will provide. They live in tune with nature. That is what I have been working at doing these past few years. I spend long amounts of time listening to nature. To the Elementals, Spirit Guides, and I have answers now. And there is peace in that. And I know that this is the Way of my Ancient Indigenious ancestors, both here, in other cultures, and in other realities.
This is my site. I will say what I want to say. I’m not attacking anyone, I’m expressing myself. If you are not in agreement and my words offend, then do not return. I have asked no one to read my ramblings per se, and I care not if anyone does. I’m doing this for me. So why make it public? Why not? :)) Someone else might just find it interesting and want to try to find some sanity in a different way of being in the world... a way of knowing who you are and how to be in the world in a right way... with peace of mind. That is part of my journey right now.
In fact, it IS my journey right now. My Way is the Way of the Thunderbird. And I walk with the Wolf and the Bear Clans. The Hawk and the Owl, they guide me. The Horse Clan is ever ready to speed me away. I am blessed. I am a Woman of the People... my People. And that is more than American Indian, more than Celtic Crone, I am a Woman of the Ancient People who speak for all the Clans.
(Wow... now that just popped out of no where! And this must be Alternative Realities bleeding one into another. I will meditate on this.)
These are the sounds with which I begin my meditations: Eh ta wa ta eh... eh ta wa ta eh... man-na-got-tah moo-chid dah-nhee gay eh... eh ta wa ta eh... eh ta wa ta eh... aho, mitakiye oyacin... to close the chant I say these sounds... oh key doe key... the last a universal set of sounds that resonate with all cultures and aid in balancing the chemicals on the brain... I use these sounds in many different variations as spirit moves me... all these sounds are ancient and familiar to the primordial parts of the brain... they speak to something deep within each of us. We have lost the old ways... the ways that connect us to the Earth Mother... it is time to begin to recall them...
12/4/10
Strange how there are days when the world seems so large and I feel so small... and alone. Today was one of those days. I had a long drive home after attending a lovely ballet where my little granddaughter danced like an angel. For some reason I cried all the long drive home. My world felt oddly out of whack like I somehow did not belong, and I was struggling to find a place within myself that felt like home.
Both my daughter and granddaughter were exhausted and still one more performance before the day was done. Not only my dear ones, but all the others there... mothers and daughters... some few sons... working so hard to make a program beautiful and show off their talent. Perhaps I picked up and carried some of their weariness home with me. I truly do not know. I am very empathic and can carry the emotions of others with me so easily. I forget to draw up my strength and surround myself with the power from within… the power that comes through my Spirit Guides. Perhaps that was part of the emotion. I truly do not know.
When I got home I called my son. Just to hear the steady sound of his voice, the quiet way he has of listening to me and making me feel he really hears me. Then he gives me his logical and caring take on whatever I am expressing. After that I listen to him tell me about his life, his work, or plans for whatever he is planning. And then I feel suddenly whole again… grounded into my reality. And I am ready to face the night… and the day again.
12/1/10
The Jungle by Upton Sinclair
The insights I learned from that book have stuck with me even today. It is an amazing look at the world before unions and protection for the average man. And it will scare your socks off when you compare it to what is happening today!
11/28/10
It's funny how family members can be so in-tune with each other and out at the same time. I say repeatedly that I know how I feel, think, and believe about any given subject because of the years of my education. I have “wrangled” it inside and out until I am at peace with my belief system on all levels. That does not mean that I will not change my opinion or embrace another. But it does mean that I can decide when I wish to do so. I do not enjoy political or religious calisthenics to please someone else. If I am not engaging, I merely say that “I will not and cannot go there.” And that is because it is my position at the time. I do not need to make apology for it nor explain. I’ve got to remember that point, and “Just say NO.” :))
Someone was trying to make a point to someone else about a political issue, the position of the wealthy in politics. Rather than direct the role play to the person she was talking to, she did so to me knowing full well that I do not agree with her. After a big ta-do on both our parts, the other party asked that she do so with him. And she did. I told her that my understanding of the wealthy perspective was such that I knew what they want. They want money and more money. Her point was that it has to be to their advantage to want to share their wealth. Well, that is beyond obvious unless you are talking to an elementary student. The point should be just how can we get our economy back on its feet? Obviously, big business cares naught for that question. Their question is how can they make more money and pay less tax and make us like it! (And I think they are doing that quite nicely, thank you very much. We've got people all across this country screaming for THEIR tax cuts to remain and THEIR inheritence tax to be abolished. "Their" being the extremely wealthy. Does anyone really think that trickle down economics is working? Reagan gave it to us by breaking the unions, and Bush continued the legacy. And I still do not see any of it trickling down to anyone... unless one might say that it is trickling down deeper into the pockets of the obscenely wealthy!)
Big business wants as much profit as they can make… actually, like all of us. We want money. But there has to be a check and balance that puts big business in the position that they will not profit UNLESS they share the wealth in a most logical way; not by giving money away either. The incentive to big business should be that they hire people to produce a product that they are sure consumers want; therefore, their own employees as consumers will support their business as well as the rest of the consumers. Economy is a circle… one cannot survive without the other. What has bogged down our circle is the fact that big business can out source their production to third world countries and do the same thing to them that was done at the turn of the 19th century here in this country. Instead of the world saying, “you must treat our people fairly as you do your own and give us good wages;” they say, “give it to us for it is better than we had.” And so they have continued to rape the poor elsewhere and destroy the middle class here in the pursuit of more wealth. What is that quote? Ah, yes.... "power corrupts and absolute power absolutely corrupts"... something like that.
That is the story of immigrants to this country throughout our history. They came to gain more, they were worked like slaves and cast aside like dry dung, if they were injured. And they starved regardless. And then came the Progressives… and laws were changed and unions brought balance. Now all things are corrupt; politics and unions. We must remember though “not to throw the baby out with the wash!” Corruption has always been a part of what we call democracy. All you have to do is a bit of historical research and it will surely open your eyes. If we do not know our history, we are doomed to repeat it; and so we have right until this day. An uneducated population is an easily controlled population.
If employees make a fair wage, they pay taxes. If a big business makes a fair profit, they need to pay taxes. As it is now, big business is paying less than they have ever paid in taxes; and yet, 3% of them are holding most of the wealth in this land and have had the largest profits of any time in history. And I don’t see them budging an inch on their profit margin. We are here… Americans… they are every where and they run not just this country but the world. And my sincere belief is that we are ripe for a dictatorship; and I could well see that dictatorship be in the name of one our large banks…. or a conglomerate of them. They are doing just that now; witness the bailout of Wall Street and what it has brought the average man. I find myself disillusioned with the President that I voted for in this matter. He is too willing to compromise with Republicans rather than stand his ground as he promised in the last election. If he does not get a stronger backbone, he may well be a one term president; and we may well be stuck with the likes of a Sara Palin... God help us all.
OkayOkay… I’m tired. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm probably going to read this tomorrow or the next with a blugging set of eyes... LOL I can get on a rant so easily... no time to reread.... so it stands.
11/25/10
Thanksgiving Day… a day to come together with loved ones and give thanks for all that we have been provided. A day to remember the bond between the Indians and the Pilgrims that first thanksgiving so to speak when they harvested the crops they had been taught to grow and ate of the wild meat that they had been taught to hunt and prepare. Without the aid of the Indigenous People of this land the Pilgrims would not have survived that first year. To give proper thanks to those Indians who welcomed them as hosts of a land that could not be owned by anyone as was their belief system, the Pilgrims arose before dawn and sneaked into their Village and killed every man, woman, and child. That was the gratitude of the first white man to come to these shores. This was the beginning of the end of a way of life for a People so proud who would not take anything from the Earth Mother without treating it with respect and gratitude. This is public record in Salem, Mass., not a myth; but a fact.
11/18/10
Have not had the urge to come to this site of late. Working hard with a lot on my mind. So far I have some political stuff to share, but I'm not up to it tonight. Benefits sign up for work. Every year we get less and less for our money. And I don't see anything changing soon. It seems to me that both republicans and democrates are for big business... and not us... the republicans are just more open about it. Why the dems don't toot their own horns? They most obviously want to lose these fights is the way it looks to me. Turning the country over to "tea baggers" who want to throw the baby out with the wash scares the hell outa of me. At the risk of belaboring the issue, I wish everyone would get a copy of 'The Jungle' by Upton Sinclair and read the damned thing! Then they might... just might see why I am so damned set against throwing it all away and trying to start over. The more big business gets the LESS likely they are to give it up! And there ain't no goin' back, People. We're ripe for a dictatorship in this country! And that dictator will simply be a front for Big Business. Mark my words... damned scary times we live in. Right now we got "tea baggers" wanting the same thing Big Business wants... what the hell's wrong with THAT picture, People?
Oh, hell, I'm going to bed!
11/6/10
Yesterday was my birthday. I sang several choruses of Happy Birthday to Me and forgot the issue. LOL Birthdays mean nothing to me anymore except that I have passed another marker in my life. I don’t really have any reservations about saying that. There was a time when being young was important to me. And I did look younger than my years. Now I think I look my age, and I don’t care. I look fine. I would like to lose some weight, but that is only for health’s sake. I’m much more concerned about matters of a loftier nature than my age or my weight. I live alone, and I like it. I can’t really imagine what it would be like to share my life with a mate again. Too much water under the bridge, my late husband was the love of my life. I can’t seem to think of anyone else at this time in my life. Maybe I feel that I am too near being ready to join him on the other side. *shrug* Or maybe not, maybe I’m just content the way things are. Nothing wrong with that… nothing at all. I would like to make art again. I think I might try my hand at watercolor. I have had very little experience with watercolor, but some few years ago I did a watercolor of myself somewhat in the way of the cubists; but very loosely so. I look at it and think that I would not be a traditionalist watercolorist, but I might be a bit of a revolutionary one. Of course, I have not looked much into the history of watercolor. There is very little in Art that has not already been done. We’ll see, however. Watercolor is a lot faster than Acrylic paint which is my chosen medium. *shrug* I also want to finish my novel. I have too many interests and talents it appears… and not enough hours
10/31/11
I'm even tired of reading my drivel! LOL Maybe I better get back to my novel for awhile... ideas just keep popping into my head, so I think it is time again.
Oh, I woke up from a dream where there was large pieces of pink crystal rocks just filled with the little crystals... they were coming right out of my floor! I was going to get something to put them in when I woke up... LOL I wish I could remember what I was dreaming before that... but I guess the pink crystal was most important.... those rocks were beautiful and sparkled so... it must be some kind of good sign. Oh, wait... I worked with crystals in my Atlantis lifetime... in fact; we grew them in a lab to use for different healing practices as well as other things... that was a fascinating lifetime... I need to get out all my old tapes from those years of hypnosis regression work... they would probably make a lot more sense to me now than then... hindsight is always better than foresight. That pink crystal I believe now was a reminder of that other time... going on right now... *smiling sweetly* It makes so much sense to me. So that one lifetime is weaving in and out of another influencing, changing things... as we grow and grow toward our goal...
10/30/10
Well, that was quite a little rant there below. Obviously, I was really stressed out. But the facts are the facts no matter how they are expressed.
I stayed after work to help chaperone a Halloween dance last evening. I forgot how much I used to enjoy those dances. I love to see the kids getting together and having a good time relaxed in their “clean up” clothes as we used to call them back home. Not their “Sunday Best,” but their “clean up” best! LOL I recall only a few years ago that it was a totally different situation. The kids then looked a little more depressed in all ways. Our school is all redone and looks like the upscale schools. And our kids are looking better for the change, I do believe. A nice environment in which to work and learn makes all the difference. I saw no really raunchy behavior like in the past. Last night I sat at the table and took the tickets and money. I used to stand on the sidelines and walk in amongst the students who were getting a little bit too sexual in their dancing. Last night I saw hardly any of that behavior. It made me feel good. I do love these kids I teach. To me, they are every one of them special. Hey, and you never know which ones will look out for you. A little 6th grade guy that I never would have dreamed would want to hang around me was right there several times through dance, obviously, coming to talk to his art teacher… in front of everyone! LOL You just never know which ones will be touched by you in some way. And how many of the ones I don’t teach and don’t see very much at all because I am rather isolated where I teach, were so familiar with me. It makes me wish I was better with names…. I’m terrible with names… but I don’t forget faces!
Just resting today… but I can’t help but think about the gestalt theory a bit. I believe that there are Soul groups that interact with one another through out time so that we are moving in and out of the lives of other Over Soul Groups. And then that, of course, can only lead to one more step and that is the Greater Groups of which we are all a part. Strange how much sense this makes to me though it took me many, many years to feel this way. My path has indeed spiraled all over the place in this lifetime. And, I see it doing the same thing throughout time as we know it here. I think this is just Earth School. We are here to learn some lessons for the greater good of all of us. And until we get it right, we will simply keep returning to Earth School until graduation day…. though not as in life where we know the date. We’re staggering around blindly here trying to figure it out when it is already all figured out for us. All we have to do is live the best way we know how.
I wish I had solidified these concepts long ago for I truly believe that my life would have been quite different today. But then again, no doubt I would not have learned what I am here to learn. There is no easy way out of this school… death is the only doorway. And though it's hell to stay sometimes, I think we need to do the best we can to do so.
Now I do have some reservations with that statement. I don’t believe that Creator gave us modern science so that we need die of chicken pox or measles. But I do believe that Creator did not mean it so that we have to suffer a hellish death from, say, Cancer. I’m not the least afraid of dying. I’m not ready for that yet, but I don’t fear going. What I do fear, is dying a living hell because some doctor or hospital wants to get rich keeping me alive! Or God banish the thought, some loving family member is not ready to let me go.
I believe I have made it clear to my children that I do not want to be kept alive on life support systems. I don’t fear death, but I don’t want to be tortured before I go into it.
This is way too morbid!
I had dental work done last Thur. I always get that gas that relaxes you. In that altered state I was told that my son and his wife will have two babies, one of each gender. Even the names were told to me. And that my daughter may have another one as well. I love being a Grammie.
10/26/10
I have some adult students who are making life miserable for me at work. Some of them. I realize they have been doing this for a long time, probably years. My job status hinges on certain things like my discipline… and my sanity as well. If those students are leading the disruption, I pay the price not only in discipline measures but in stress levels as well. I cannot afford this hassle. I have kept this to myself and tried to work with them. But too many of them think I can’t tell the difference between a young adult and a child! They are wrong, dead wrong. I spot them right away. And I can see the pleasure in their eyes when they are acting out in a really bad way. Kids, they don't get that evil. These adult students enjoy it in a different way than the kids. The kids are just kids about it, but these adults, the ones who keep it going; they are perverse in their pleasure of the game at times… some of them and some of them not at all.
I will play the game as long as they don’t start leading the disruption; and they frequently do. When that happens I tell them, I have a job to do and so do they, and they better not keep me from doing mine in order to do yours. They are either part of the problem or the solution. And they better be part of the solution, because they cannot by law keep me from doing my job in order to do theirs. I am perfectly willing to do my damnedest to make it stop; if it comes to getting their asses fired!
I find I have patience with children, but very little with adults who act like children now. I love children, and I grow weary of these adult students who are trying to keep my room in an uproar in order to be like one of the kids. That must stop. I also am weary of teachers who act like students with gossip and petty acts beneath the dignity of any adult much less an adult who is supposed to guide and teach children.
I don’t see any other teacher stressing over this BS. They know, but strangely; they don’t seem to think I am smart enough to pick them out. All Black faces do not look the same to me, nor do all brown faces. Not only am I smart enough to pick them out, I’m also empathic enough to pick up on their different brain processing. I’m not an Indian Elder for nothing… nor a Celtic Crone, if you go in the direction of my Scots/Irish blood. *chuckle* This is making me laugh. I know to most I must sound like a kook, trust me, I’m not. Do not make the mistake of thinking that. For a mistake it would be indeed.
I’m all about spirituality now and that grows stronger monthly, weekly, daily even. It used to be that I could tell over long periods of time. Now it’s all the time and in leaps and bounds. I was told many years ago that I was meant to touch the lives of many people in my life time for their highest good. I was also told to protect myself from psychic bombardment as a result.
As my spiritual energy level gets stronger, I feel my focus going into spiritual realms that make it difficult for me to focus into the peopled world around me at times. I feel like I would be happiest out in Nature like a monk rather than in this hectic world we live in. I talk to my doctor about these things and he says that he does believe that it is my spirituality, and I need to simply make peace with it. Some of us are given spiritual powers, most are not. And I think with his council I have been able to put aside my reservations, and allow my spirituality to blossom. He’s sees nothing out of the ordinary about my Am. Indian spirituality. But then, he is from India where spirituality is taken for granted as in my culture. I love him. He is a wonderful doctor.
I am in almost constant attunement with the elements of Nature and my Spirit Guides. The Wolves are at my side always, Bear is at my back standing on two legs, Thunder Bird is ever part of my psyche. Eagle, Owl, and Hawk always near me. To have such protection and guardianship is humbling. To know that One such as the Thunder Bird has chosen me for it’s own… that is the most humbling of all. Do not ever let anyone tell you that to have medicine power is stuff to lord over anyone else… no, it is humbling, and it is exhilarating at the same time. And you wonder why you have been chosen, and you pray that you have the strength to do whatever it is that you are to do with this power.
This is my spirituality and my life that I speak of here now. I have to live in the real world with one foot in the realm of Spirit. That’s how it works. I have be mindful not to let the real world drain me of personal energy. I need all the energy I have to do whatever it is that I’m supposed to do in this world. Spirit will revitalize me, but I Am in that Power. And trust me; it is for something… never for nothing. We are never given power without responsibility to that Power.
10/25/10 In which I look at my work situation frankly and openly… and then my spirituality.
Monday, back to work. I have dark rings around my eyes from being sick for so long. I did sleep most of the weekend, and I do mean literally most of the weekend. Students pointed out to me that I had black on my eyes. I went to the mirrors and saw that it was my black circles. I told them what it was. Funny, they seemed a little embarrassed after that. Some of them, that is.
10/23/10 In which I start out religous/spiritual and end up waxing political:
I quote myself here, ““…but then the great reckoning when they [evil doers] have to face a microcosm of the self… somehow I see it as a mirrored dome that reflects back the image of the doer and the deed to infinity (all time is now recall); and the horror of the act. I wonder does the whole, the One, destroy such a one [evil one] that might drag down the entire Gestalt? Interesting idea is it not, not God per se, but the Greater Self… the Over Soul.” And I quote myself again, “Does not one pluck out a cancer for the greater good of the body?” This is what came into my mind as I reread some of my Alternative Reality Gestalt Theory of Spirituality expounded upon below where upon I spake the above. [I think I'm really getting into this bible speak now. *tongue in cheek* I hate it when I have to explain my humor. I'm always amazed at people who look at me like I just bit off my tongue when I'm being humorous.]
Okay, back on track. This thinking caused me to remember a bible quote, “if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out,” which though it sounded pretty good was not quite on target. So I searched out three versions of my “not quite on target” quote. I then sought out what I thought was the closest meaning to the original scriptures.
"So if your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your body parts than to have your whole body thrown into hell." -International Standard Version of the Bible @2008
"And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast [it] from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not [that] thy whole body should be cast into hell." -King James Bible
"If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." –New International Version @1988
I like this last version the best for my taste. My understanding is that it was translated from the Greek which is the oldest form of the bible we possess. So that I feel that it might be closest to the Hebrew versions.
Looking at different interpretations of these three versions of the same, I have found that the eye symbolized to the Hebrews an evil passion or sin itself (especially the right eye or right side of the body) and that “to offend” had nothing to do with condemnation or insult, but rather to “stumbling blocks” or “rocks” to be precise to the meaning. (I’m going to address this “right eye/right body” issue below.)
I can’t help but wonder if in the light of my belief system that it could be taken quite literally as destroying a part to save the whole. Although I really do not believe that extreme measure might be necessary, but how is one to know in the case of say, a Hitler. If an aspect of the self became so evil that it cannot be brought back into the “fold” then why would one not, for the greater good, “pluck it out?” Or perhaps banish it for a time until it is fit to be brought back into the fold. Would that not be hell? And would not the return to the whole be redemption?
I am always struck with the different ways in which interpretation changes a meaning. If one cared enough to do a little research outside of the meaning “told” us by our religions and did a little research, one would learn that word meanings are very different from then to now. A Virgin for example to ancient Hebrews was a married woman virgin of child, not man. So that Mary becomes not a virgin, but a young woman who was having her first child like say, a heifer is not a cow until she has had a calf. And to do something in someone’s name was to follow that same path, not invoke that name. So that Jesus was saying do it in my Way or follow my Path [walk like me], not call on my name and it will be done.
Oh, “blind faith,” how ignorant it can be due in part to the churches who teach that one should not question. In fact, one should let someone else tell you the meaning, like say; a pastor, minister, or priest. And I say to that, if one does not question; then one is surely blind in not one eye, but both. I mean go to church if that is your “thang;” but also think for yourself.
Be bold enough to question and research. Once you start, it’s infectious. It puts a whole new meaning into to the Bible Quote, “Ye shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall make you free.” –John 8:32 (King James) And that literally was so for me. Unbound by the shackles of blind faith, I was able to find my own Way… Path.
And right here and now I must give thanks to my parents who did not raise us in a church, but rather with commonsense spiritual values. “There is only one God. You can pray to give thanks and ask for good things, but not selfish ones. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Don’t judge a person by their clothes or their homes or the color of their skin. These things will come back on you. Don’t lie, or cheat, or steal; these things show that you don’t respect yourself and reflect back on your family. Your family tranlates to your People, we are always calling back 7 generations, I have learned this from my Am. Indian Culture. And last, but not least, always respect the Elders for these are the ones that teach you the Wisdom of the People and how to be in the world in a right way. That is basically the truths that I learned from my parents who were not highly educated, but highly intelligent. What more do you need to live by than those simple Truths? And that is my Am. Indian Spirituality. It's not hard at all... and not complicated either.
Now I want to address this idea of the “right eye or side of the body” as an evil thing. We have until recently thought that creative thinking comes from the right side of the brain, now it is believed that it originates in the frontal lobes of the brain. Perhaps though there is something to this biblical right eye/brain theory. If this portion of the brain is creative and can, say, think outside of the box; then can this not cause one to question what is right and wrong, true and false? And since religion is based pretty much on “blind faith;” then would it not be advantageous to our ancient “bible folk” if one did not question their teachings? I mean, face it; the bible was a guide to religion as well as how to be in the world 2000 years ago. And what is the quote about absolute power? I do hate to do research… *LOL* I guess I did so much of it in my 12 years of higher education. (Hell, I could have been a doctor in that amount of time, but that’s another story.)
The historian and moralist, who was otherwise known simply as Lord Acton, expressed this opinion in a letter to Bishop Mandell Creighton in 1887: "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men."
William Pitt, the Elder, The Earl of Chatham and British Prime Minister from 1766 to 1778, is sometimes wrongly attributed as the source. He did say something similar, in a speech to the UK House of Lords in 1770: "Unlimited power is apt to corrupt the minds of those who possess it"
And going back to my train of thought, religion and politics are about power in the final analysis, are they not? We see it every day on the evening news. People are driven by power to believe this and that, do this or that, or vote this and that way. So many of our population are like sheep most willingly following a snake oil salesmen over the nearest cliff be he political or religious. I am appalled at the “blind faith” I see in We, the People.
It’s scary as hell to me. We are ripe for the likes of another Hitler. And I do not mean President Obama of whom I have seen pictures with mustaches drawn on to make him look like Hitler. I join my mother in appalled wonder that any one would compare Obama to Hitler after Bush/Cheney. To have done such a thing to pictures of either one of them would have been considered scandalous, and those responsible would have been racked through the coals of our news media. If Obama were Hitler, we would already be rounding up some ones and putting them in concentration camps. G.W. Bush was the one capable of being a Hitler, and he did round up Arabs and put them in a concentration camp… I think it was fondly [tongue in cheek] called “Gitmo?” And Dick Cheney was the one most truly likely to be a Hitler in that administration.
When Hitler came into power he was thought to be some kind of Savior for the people who were suffering much like we are now. Once he was in office, he took over as a dictator and unlimited power did indeed corrupt as history tells us. Our uneducated population knows very little about history I have learned. If you can barely read or write when you get out of high school, then you are an uneducated population ripe for a dictator. That is a horror we do not want to experience here and now. Cheney, yes, could he have found the power to do so; I believe he would have been a Hitler. He almost was in my humble opinion. Trust me; Barack Obama is not made of that mettle. Our president I fear is much too cerebral, much too intelligent to be strong enough to truly lead the way the public would like. He can truly lead and is doing just that. But, you have to have a part of that dictator in you to do the best job I think. In 8 years, he could turn things around; but are the people of this country smart enough to give him that chance? This I do not know. If you are a gentle man of high intellect, it is difficult indeed. Lincoln was a gentle man of high intellect. See what it got him; a place in History, but no thanks in his life time. I think Barack Obama is much more likely to be an Abraham Lincoln than an Adolf Hitler any day. I hope he gets a chance to prove that.
OkayOkay, it’s late and I am tired. I’ll have to read this next time I’m online and see if it makes any sense.
10/21/10
Just a note...
The tech teacher and the BAC teacher are thick as thieves! *big eyes… whites showing all the way around the iris* I should have known. Why I did not see these two as a team is a wonder to me. I guess I never saw them together before. Those women are extremely OVER worried about what other people are doing. Jezuzz, I hate back stabbing… My problem is that I am too open… I don’t lie… and I don’t pretend to be what I am not; and I won’t “kiss ass.” I accept people at face value and I expect them to do the same with me. Cold cruel world out here… my antibiotics kicked in this afternoon. I feel better than last night at this time. Hope I’m better in the morning. That will surely be the test. I’m off to bed. TGIF
I’m long winded… this is short for me. I’m a teacher. I’m used to being “the one who knows." LOL I do love the kids I work with, and it is fun to watch them develop into little artists right before THEIR eyes! I expect it; they don’t!
10/20/10
Recovering from a terrible sick!
I have been so sick. It started Monday, but I thought that was a fluke… maybe I forgot to take my allergy meds… I had the old allergic asthma inhaler with me and used it. Then yesterday morning I woke up unable to talk beyond a horrid rasping intermittent squeaking sound. I thought I would die it hurt so badly… upper and lower respiratory system was my own diagnosis.
Called my doctor, they could work me in about 4 p.m. Called to cancel an upcoming dental appointment, the Dentist called me over a prescription and we rescheduled my appointment for next week. Now that was a life saver. I think it may just be kicking in today. I think I have heard that it takes about 24 hours for an oral med and 12 for an injection. I just hope this holds for tomorrow. I want to go back to work. If it does not, I will have to go to the doctor despite the meds from the dentist. Weird, eh? *LOL* Laughing out loud makes me cough…. I’m going to try to hold off on that.
Now last night I saw a movie, a very good one, “The Lovely Bones”… I missed the first part, probably better for me as it may have shown some of the horror of a young girl’s death. This morning as I thought of it, I recalled something I learned in psych 101. We do not know why children even in the same family turn out the way they do, why one rejects a model set for them by their parents and another does not. I could not help but think of this in conjunction with the movie. Now, of course, that serial killer was a psychopath. But there are those who were abused by their parents and one follows that path and another does not. The one says, “I felt that pain; I will not inflict it on another.” The other says, “I felt that pain and I know that person loved me, so if I repeat the act it only says that I love my child or spouse and that it was okay that it was done to me.” That’s the jest of it…
Now I have a hypothesis that says there are more than these 3 types: I won’t do it, because it was done to me; I will do it to prove to myself that I was loved and it is okay; and the psychopath. I think that other type is the one who does it because he just wants to. It does not matter whether he suffered it or not, he does it because he wants to and he thinks he can get away with it. And sometimes like the murderer in courtroom who says, “I’m sorry I did it, because I’ve caught religion now.” And then you ask him, “When did that happen?” And he says, “Right after you caught me.” I believe I heard that on either The Daily Show or the Colbert Report last evening. I was too sick to recall, but that was always basically my thought when I saw or heard of brutal murderers that appear in court all dressed up like prayer boys with bibles in their hands. They did it because they wanted to, and they felt sure they could get away with it. And a lot of the time, they do.
At least here on this reality, but then the great reckoning when they have to face a microcosm of the self… somehow I see it as a mirrored dome that reflects back the image of the doer and the deed to infinity (all time is now recall); and the horror of the act. I wonder does the whole, the One, destroy such a one that might drag down the entire Gestalt? Interesting idea is it not, not God per se, but the Greater Self… the Over Soul. Does not one pluck out a cancer for the greater good of the body? I’m too tired to reason how that theory might completely work in conjunction with the all time is now theory, but I did like the idea of something stretching out to infinity... like a ripple on a pool that goes on forever. *grin… sickly grin* I feel like crap still… but less crappy than this time yesterday. I’m not going to laugh. Oh, hell, I coughed anyway.
Well, now I’m getting too tired to sit up here and type my thoughts which are becoming muddled anyway. So, “that’s it, folks…”
10/18/10
Just a little work rant…
Last week after our PLC meeting… elective teachers come together for whatever… one of the other teachers brazenly asked where I was last week on Thursday. I said I was at a teacher workshop. I got it confused with the Tuesday evening workshop at the MFA… she did not seem very pleased with that reply. Thursday I was out sick. And I had left work early and came late a couple of times for doctor appointments… all coming out of my pay… or my sick leave moneys as it were. It nagged at me all weekend after sitting in the Friday PLC feeling psychic bombardment and looks of a negative kind. Over the week end I was still trying to sort it out. Now today it came up in PLC and I hope I made it clear enough that I am NOT getting anything the rest are not… in fact, I’ve been getting a ration of pain up until just recently. And I’m on guard that it will start up again!
What pisses me off is that without any reason whatsoever someone gets a hair up their behind that I might be getting something they are not… like I’m the fair haired child! Damn... what is wrong with people? I don’t care how many times the technology teacher is out, why should she care about mine. There are just way too many people who hate to see me get anything at my school. And it has taken me this long to realize that this is the very teacher who is stabbing me in the back. Constantly acting like she is my friend… hell, no, she is not! That is the only place that could have come from… yeah… I’m pissed! Because I can look back and see many things that she screwed for me.
When they remodeled my school one of the custodians (long gone now) told me that the little closet next to my room was going to be made into a little restroom for the art room. He said he saw it on the blueprint and my principal had chosen to make it the same colors as hers. That would have been so nice since I have so much stuff to take care of in that room! A few minutes running to the restroom can be the difference between not having to stay after school for a show or not! Anyway I made the mistake of mentioning it to this same teacher, this same teacher that I thought was one of my only real friends at my school. Believe you me… nothing came of that! Jezuzzz… what a fool I have been to trust her. I don’t even want to think of the other rumors that have had teachers giving me the cold shoulder might have come from her lips.
I’m a natural empath…. Some one who is very empathic to the point of being psychic about it. I very easily pick up on other people’s emotions. I have to protect myself from that, but I don’t think of it all the time especially if I am agitated from that very thing. Now it gets easier as I grow stronger in my spiritual practices. But what it feels like is psychic attack. Had I not worked with the hypnotherapist, I would not have known what it was. Some people are just like that... like me. My hearing is acute if there is quiet… also if I am not having allergy stuff. Between those two things I can really get bombarded with emotions… others directed at me… and others who are just emotionally in trauma as well. I assure you many of our children are just that. But that is part of the reason I teach at my school. I am totally dedicated to the kids at my school. It is the only reason I keep coming back. I love um! J
10/16/10 In which I start out small and end up large... again! LOL
Here it is, my husband's birthday. Funny how things sneak up on you. I have been really fighting being down in the dumps for about a week now. And here it is, and I did not know until this very day. I was very fortunate to have a husband who loved me dearly and I him. I thought we would grow old with each other. I thought we would always be together.
About a week before he died, I sat in a chair in my family room meditating. The kids were in school, his mother was taking a nap in her room, and he was sleeping. He was on midnights... which meant he would work from midnight until 8 a.m. as a superintendent at a large plant. The house was quiet, the sun was shining outside the nest of windows across from me. As I let my mind relax into the meditation I heard a voice say very clearly in my head, I did not think it. The voice said, "He will leave you soon." Suddenly I realized what was being said, and I became frightened. Since in meditation I frequently would have communications with my "Guide," I instantly thought that was the someone who would be leaving me. I never dreamed in my wildest imagination that anything could happen to my big strong handsome husband. I became very aggitated, in fact, I was starting to freak out. Then it was like hands smoothed over my chest without touching me, and the voices said, "He will be with you always." Three times I was told that phrase. I relaxed which seemed to be the point of the last exchange. I felt some concern and confusion, but I was not overly agitated as I was before. I knew, however, that it was important. I think I probably told at least my husband and probably mother-in-law as well.
When my husband died, I did not associate it with this occurrence until years later. That might very well be because I went into a tail spin that probably would have landed me in the hospital had it not been for the Hypnotherapist I mentioned in early entries. I had started seeing her just about a year before the death of my husband. She was a large part of what kept me in the world after his death because she was there for me both day and night. And my children, had it not been for my children, I would have just killed myself. No sense in sugar coating it.
After my daughter died two years later again, it was my children who kept me sane. Well, maybe not sane, but at least here. The man I was living with pretending to be married to was no help. Suddenly he went into a tail spin, maybe because I was deep in one. I don’t know. Anyway, I can’t go there yet. It was way too convoluted to explain, and serves no real purpose as I have resolved all my issues over that relationship. Suffice to say we separated and went our separate ways.
In any case, I’m here. I’m whole. And now I’m looking past middle age. It’s strange. One day you look in the mirror and you have to say, I’m not young anymore. I still feel young. But the mirror does not lie. And I have to wonder in a silly way, when did this happen? And more importantly, why don’t I really care? LOL It’s sort of like it frees you up in so many ways. Suddenly I can just be me. I don’t have to care if my “jeans make me look fat!”
I tell you what, I saw a commercial for jeans recently and my mouth just hung open. A very skinny girl had on a pair of tight fitting pants and the ad said; now you don’t ever have to worry about saying, “Do my jeans make me look fat!” I was creeped out! No wonder our little girls are worried about getting fat before they are even teenagers. “Do my jeans make me look fat?” The girl looked about 16, and she would not have looked fat in a fat suit! She was thin… thin, thin! This kind of advertising is just as criminal as the cigarette and alcohol ads that claimed that they would make you young and happy and desirable to the opposite sex!
When are people going to wake up to this criminal behavior? Probably after they have less to worry about like JOBS! I have been saying all through the Reagan and Bush years that there is an agenda in politics to turn us into a third world country! And I still believe it. Bushy Jr. went to Mexico for a ten day vacation. Before he got home practically, the president of Mexico started handing out flyers to his people not only telling them how to get across the border, but what to do once they got here. A population worried about putting food on the table and clothes on the backs of their families and not losing their homes... well, that is a population that is easy to control. They don't have time to worry about politicis... and they believe what they are told!
And especially so when some of them graduated high school unable to read or write!
This brings me to another sore point; the powers that be have been dumbing down our schools since the Civil Rights movement. That’s right, you read me right. Since the Civil Rights, the government has been trying to find a way to bring Black children up to the standard of White children. Somewhere along the line, they decided that bringing down the standards was the way to go. And so rather than bringing Black children up to the White standard; they did the opposite, and brought White children down to the Black standard. I’ve watched this.
The sadness is that the Black children could have been brought up to the White standard. They would have had to struggle at first, but it sure as hell could have been done. Black children are no less intelligent than any other race of people, neither are the Latino children we are teaching in our schools now. They do have a poverty line that makes anything difficult for them. And there are plenty of poor white students in my school in the same boat. We simply cannot give up on our children.
And that my friends just played into the hands of a certain movement in this country to put us back to the turn of the 20th century where the rich got richer over the backs of everyone else. And we are seeing it happen right here in our lifetime. Let me assure you that the educational situation is playing right into the current attempt to put us back that hundred years. A population that can barely read and write is an easy population to control. When people are comfortable with decent jobs to provide a decent living for their families while their children become more and more educated; they can think about politics clearly. They have the time to watch the news and understand what is going on in their world. They can make educated decisions before they vote. In other words, they cannot be led around like sheep with rings in their noses by the likes of the political or religious snake oil salesmen like the Bushes... the Reagans... or the Rush Limbaughs and Glenn Becks of the world.
Reagan broke the unions, and there are few of us who remember a time without unions. Actually, the man could not even imagine what it was like to be middle class much less poor. I will never forget hearing him say with my own ears during a press conference that he could not believe that there were people living under bridges in the United States of America. That was how out of touch with reality the man was. By breaking the unions the spiral to where we are now began. Unions may have been corrupt like everything else, but they gave some safety to the workers. Breaking the unions allowed for the lowering of wages, and trust me that is still going on. I see infrastructure work all over my large Texas town, and the workers are predominately Latino looking. So this infrastructure surge to bring jobs back to America has pretty much brought jobs back to the same Latinos who crossed the border willing to work for a fraction of what Americans were willing to work. Well, that is still going on. To clamp down on these companies who are employing illegals will be a tough row to how; it's a system in place that is too profitable to end without constant supervision.
I was a history person… art history in particular, but history in general. You learn a lot about history through Art… it frequently tells the story better than anything else. At the turn of the century, this country was hell for all but the very wealthy. You were worked until you dropped; men, women and children. And if you dropped, you were just pushed aside so that someone else could walk over your broken body to take your job. And we were pulled up out of that mire by Progressives like Teddy Roosevelt and others.
There is a wonderful book that tells the story better than anything I could say here. That book is “The Jungle” by Upton Sinclair. That book will open your eyes to what could be in store for us here if the Republican agenda is allowed to continue to grow. The Democrats may not be much less corrupt, but at least WE are their base! I was reminded recently of the time that G. W. Bush stated in a speech to a group of the “well heeled” that was covered by the media where he said, “some call you the haves and the have mores, but I just call you my base!” Dear God, I felt like bolting my lunch. And yet, there are those out there who will say that they are for the Republican agenda! Now, I say to that, if you are NOT in Bush’s Base, then you are stupid to vote Republican for that is who he will take care of…. HIS base and if you are NOT rich, you are NOT his base!
Ah, politics… not a good subject for me to get going on… I’m way too opinionated and out spoken. OkayOkay… I gotta let this go. I’m doing a little battle with a sinus situation. I want to control it, before it controls me! I need my rest, children.
I'll probably read this tomorrow in horror at my errors! (10/17/10 I just did, but I'm not totally horrified! LOL Nothing more to add at this time. I'm off to bed, Monday morning is going to come all too early I fear.)
10/12/10
I should not read my stuff... it just makes me want to correct errors and clarify points. And that is not the point of this rambling... it is to allow it to just come as it does unbidden from the recesses of my mind. Tonight? I’m tired. Professional development tonight, so I am running late. No profound pronouncements tonight! LOL
10/10/10 Wow.... cool!
Okay... just did a lot of reading down through there... interesting to me, of course. My ramblings are just the way my mind works... LOL did some few add ons for clarification.... or just to say. Weekend is gone... time to go back to work. I have a doctor's appointment in the morning... forgot to tell anyone... *big eyes* oh, boy.... *LOL* why do I do this to myself?
10/9/10 In which, I start out small and end up large...
Beware the man or in all fairness woman who tells you s/he is an asshole, bastard, bitch, or son of a bitch for s/he is getting ready to prove it to you and since you were forewarned, s/he is absolved of guilt! Now why that popped into my head I do not know.
I have been very fortunate in my life time to have known very few of these "black widow spiders"… male or female, but I’ve known my share. I have witnessed or experienced that they will purely suck the bloodly life from you, if you will allow it. And it does not have to be a romantic relationship either. There are just those who do not know how to exist without draining others to survive. And I am always amazed at how they justify their behavior and often claim you are their villian. Witness the alcoholic or battering spouse who will tell you that their co-dependent partner was the sickest because they enabled the process.
Think about it. Look around you, and recognize who they are for I assure you they are everywhere. They leech onto someone and do not let go until they are ripped off kicking and screaming… or they get bored and simply walk away to find another host. Then the victim is left empty and dry trying to pick up the pieces of their lives, perhaps scarred for life or perhaps they learn they are just free and becoming lighter and lighter each day until they realize that they were the lucky ones. Spouses, friends, family members, lovers, even the next door neighbor, they are everywhere in our society. They prey on the weak and the lonely and the good hearted ones and those who love them the most. You have to become strong to recognize them and put up your boundaries even to the point that sometimes others think you cruel. But you know you are right, because you simply feel whole when they are not in your life.
Now mourning, that’s a different thing. To lose someone you love so dearly for what you believe is before their time through no fault of their own or yours... now that is hell. And you will walk around with tender red scars, invisible to the eye, waiting to burst into open bloody wounds when you least expect it for all of your life.
Now, of course, it is foolish to sit and cry that they were gone before their time, those loved ones who cross over to the other side. For they have gone exactly when they were supposed to go exactly when their time and their purpose here was fulfilled. And whether we like it or not, that is exactly the way of it. We only come here to learn and grow for a short time whether that is ten minutes or a hundred years.
All time is now; therefore, that length of time is as “the blink of an eye.” One day it dawned on me that the Christian bible says that a hundred years is as the blink of an eye for the Creator. And suddenly I realized that it is so for all of us. If there is only now, then it is always as the blink of an eye. How incredulous to imagine that we are so limited in our scope of reality. How suddenly the knowledge that the earth was formed in 7 days seems so simple to understand. Actually, it was formed in “the blink of an eye.”
I know the whole concept of time as anything other than linear is so difficult for most to understand. And for me, it is the most logical thing in the world and explains simply everything. If memory serves, NASA has proven that space time is very different from our time here on Earth School through our outer space ventures. So in this place and time we have all of us agreed to believe that time is linear so that we can learn whatever it is that we are here to learn.
Therefore, if all time is now, then we are all in “cahoots” so to speak in our reality. We are not only the actors in our play but we are also the Creator and director of this divine scheme. We choose those with whom we will work out our divine existence and for what purpose all to the end of Soul Growth. And where does that lead? Well, there is only one answer and that is to The One. However, is there only The One or are their many other Ones? I would hazard the guess that there are many, many Ones that lead to the only obvious Great Mysterious One eventually. So, and there I have spiraled back to the spirituality of most Indigenous Peoples to the Creator, the Great Spirit of which we can only guess the enormity of that concept. The very idea that there are more than one The Ones can easily explain the legends of Gods. Ancient Egypt sounds much more like Am. Indian idea of Spirit Animals as go betweens to the Creator gone in a different direction. Religion is such a complicated thing, because we human beings can only concieve so much at a time. I much prefer spirituality. I don't 'owe' my spirituality to any religion.
We are all here in different levels of Soul growth, but does that mean that our over souls are on different levels as well? Could be. That would explain a lot as well.
Okay.... I lost my train of thought!
Here we go again...
All we can do is trust that the Creator, the Great ONE, is there for all of us, ready to speak to us in whatever 'Way' (as in path) we are able to receive or conceive... for in reality, we are all One for the Creator is within all of us. And, therefore, can speak to us through a rock or a tree or a Wolf or an Eagle or a Thunder Bolt or the image of a poor Human Being writhing on a cross in agony, if that is all we can conceive. Or that a hundred or more virgins are waiting to be sullied as a reward for what.... war... killing... the ignorance of it all boggles my mind.
And heaven and hell… how mysterious indeed to dream of such concepts as though our existence is a fairy tale and someone died on a cross, the son of God, in order to justify our evils as forgiven. It boggles my mind. Did I say that before? How easy it is to claim the devil made us do it, but God in the form of a man will forgive us; indeed give his only begotten son which is He, of course, to die on a cross in agony to do so. I have never heard a bolder fairy tale in my life. A story to tell children who are bad to keep them from being worse, and yet, giving them an out! All is forgiven... a god man died on a cross in agony and we are free to do whatever... and all will be forgiven. I'm sorry... it does make me laugh. I can't help it. This myth runs all through the history of religion… all have a similar version to this, but one does not know that unless one reads… studies the other religions. And God forbid one should do so for that would be questioning ones faith… which is sacrosanct.
OkayOkay.... serious again... God is love and God is peace. God forgives us in that the Creator does not judge us, we judge ourselves in the final analysis once we cross over into that other divine reality where we are part of an unimaginable soul group. Think about it. When you have done something truly bad… not even truly bad just a little bad not even near horrible, how do you torture yourself mentally with guilt and sorrow? How do you reconcile your behavior with your conscience? And how long does it stay with you, when can you let it go? Imagine if you take all your fallibles back to face yourself? Not just yourself, but all yourselves all trying to better themselves for the greater One of which you are simply a cog in a wheel. Imagine that. Would that not be worse than any hell you can imagine? Facing yourself on that grand a scale would most surely be hell for no one is harder on you than yourself when it comes to guilt. You do indeed carry it like a cross on your back. Unless, of course, you're a psychopath; but that should go without saying.
And then, if we are all One, then Jesus is the son/daughter of man, not only the son of God, for that Spark of Divinity is within us all so that we are each Jesus on the cross tortured until we are granted forgiveness... from whom? From God or from ourselves? Let me assure that was torture on that cross and that is the Hell of which the Bible speaks, the hell of facing ones own sins or evils and paying for them through the pain that eventually leads to salvation; but, oh, how long does it take to reach that salvation? How long does it take? How many lives does it take? There is the Knotty Thorn. There is the Crown of Thorns we each must wear.
So you see, in some fashion you might call me an unconventional Christian, though I say not. I do not need the fairy tales of a bible or any other so called holy book that does not speak to all in a cohesive Way (as in Path); but rather refuses to “cast pearls before swine.” If that book cannot cast Pearls before Swine then the Swine had better figure out something that does not lead to the prejudice and evil I see all over the world. Man’s inhumanity to man… and even his own children. Somewhere there has to be something that makes the evil in this world wake up and realize that they will indeed suffer the fruits of their labors, but it might not be in this life time. No indeed, it may not be in this life time; it may be in hundreds of lifetimes all being experienced in the Divine Now and spiraling through all time which is only after all Now. That one will reap what one sows can truly be a nightmare in that perspective and worse than any burning hell through which we must walk to salvation. And what pain both mentally and physically will be wrought before that salvation. And in that context of all time is now, then none of us will make it before the rest of us... so it should behoove us to drag our "swine" brethren along with us kicking and screaming as it were! *LOL* You gotta laugh or it makes you cr.
It just simply boggles (too much mind boggling going on here... LOL) my mind and truly makes me want to be the best Human Being I can be; and that… that is the teaching of my Am. Indian ancestry.
Oh, my goodness, I am suddenly reminded of an exchange between my mother in law and her sister whom were as dear to me as my own family. We were talking about love, the love of spouses and how we come together and share our lives. Suddenly I said without thinking about it that despite the reservations I had when first meeting my husband that I loved him so much that I knew I could walk through hell if I were holding his hand. In the context of which I am speaking above, I am walking through hell since his death. But since all time is now and we interact as cogs on a wheel, I am walking through this hell holding his hand along with my beloved daughter’s who crossed over to the other side so shortly after him.
How petty our concerns here. We are merely here for the blinking of an eye, but we have agreed to experience it as linear time. That is our choice, our dream, whether nightmare or no. And if we realize how large the reality of which we are a part; I believe we would all strive to leave as small a “carbon footprint” as possible... beyond the mere scope of ecology.
10/5/10
Just a small break from grading to continue with this thread of thought. I want to get it right, because it is no small matter to me. And whether anyone else is interested or not, I am. I find I want to put my thoughts together like this. However, my mind works in circles... spirals.... LOL just as the gestalt/alternative reality soul experience makes total sense to me. So it is... again I will be revising this more, I am sure. Good night! :)
10/4/10
I’m thinking about reincarnational alternative realities. I should be grading right now, but this seems more important. I won’t think so tomorrow; however, when I have to enter grades. So is life. Some time has to be for oneself!
Art is not like other subjects, so many of the assignments feed into another one. It’s just too much to explain to the lay educational individual. I get tired of it. This time it did sneak up on me. I thought I had another week. *shrug* Busy weekend. My brother brought over a hot water heater. Mine died... and it nearly drowned the one side of the garage! I had to clear the garage to get the new in there. My son and one of his friends will put it in next weekend. Cold showers for the week… but I did it this morning; so I am sure I will survive. It's rather bracing....
Okay… reincarnational alternative realities. Since all time is Now, then there is no linear experience. We must be experiencing and growing in a circular, spiral fashion.
I am experiencing an alternative reality in Ancient Egypt. Now, you may ask, “how does she know this? Is she schizophrenic?” *LOL* No, she is not. But, she has studied metaphysics, comparative religious study, and the spirituality of Indigenous Peoples the world over. As well, I have studied animal psychology, equestrian care and training. I have so many interests besides art and my own Am. Indian spirituality that it was almost impossible to pin down exactly what I wanted to major in at University. I have the kind of IQ that allows for no limit of options. On top of all these things, I worked with a therapist who did past life regressions through hypnosis for about ten years. I guess I could have easily gone into that as teaching. Funny, I never thought of that before. Isn’t it strange how we walk a path and it seems the only way we can go… then suddenly years later one realizes there were other options. We were simply so focused into that reality that we did not see those other by ways. Perhaps, however, we are experiencing those realities as we speak… or type or read. Otherwise it might be that we would not even bring the thought to mind as we were so very focused into the reality we are experiencing at this time. Interesting, eh?
I am living a soul experience in Ancient Egypt. It is one of the alternative reincarnational experiences that is influencing this reality of my life at this time. As well there is a Druid experience that is feeding in along with an Atlantis reality. My spirituality comes from the Egyptian Pharaoh, Ikhnaton, the first Pharaoh to introduce the worship of One God symbolized by the Sun with hands reaching out to humanity. As well in the Atlantis lifetime there is the worship of the One God symbolized by the Winged Sun. My Indigenous Peoples of the Americas worship the One named Great Mystery, Great Spirit, or Creator. We do not try to put a face on the Creator who is far too immense for human beings to comprehend. We know that Energy is there, but we cannot begin to name it beyond Mystery. I’ve talked about my Am. Indian spirituality, so I won’t belabor the issue.
In any case, all of those realities are influencing this one. I frequently have to make myself focus into the world as we know it. I can do it well when I am at work. I’m busy. If I am busy at home, the same. But if I have down time, I will move back and forth between these realities without seeing or hearing anything, just feeling the influence. I find that I can easily go into that meditative state that allows for commune with ones Higher Power or Over Soul. I have meditated over most of my adult time, so it is very easy for me to find that Space Within. There it is peaceful and one receives what is needed; which is not about work or family or responsibility; but about spiritual growth. Perhaps when I retire, I will become a total recluse… like a monk… only a woman! LOL I am a Crone and kind of a Medicine Woman. I’m a woman of the woods and I run with the Wolves. But Thunder Bird is my Life’s Way.
I'll try to get into the previous lifetimes for lack of a better word. If you have read what I have written, you know that I do not define them as previous lifetimes. They are alternative realities touching the spiral of a soul's growth. We move in and out of these realities as the need arises... for soul growth. More another time....
Enough tonight, I really must get some grading done.
10/3/10
It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m working on grading but need a little respite. My brother is coming with a water heater for me. The old one died. I’m trying to clear a space in the garage for the water heater until that my son can put it in next weekend. Yes, I’m taking cold showers, but I find I don’t mind at all. Once you get your head wet, it is not so bad and becomes actually bracing and rather refreshing. Now that it is starting to cool off just a little I image it will get a bit harder to deal with. I doubt it: however, my ancestors bathed in streams of water in the dead of winter; and they were most surely a hardy People indeed. It was the whites who did not wash their bodies for fear of taking a fever or some such nonsense. How they must have smelled! And especially to Indians who were very fastidious in their cleanliness. They did rub their bodies with grease from bears and the like to keep insects from biting and to make a barrier between the cold and their bodies. To the white man they stank. It’s funny to think of it to me. Indians rubbing their bodies with grease from animals after thoroughly washing; and whites refusing to wash their bodies or at least submerge them in water; I wonder which would have smelled the worst. I can’t help but think the whites.
Well, the water heater is here… and I’m busy getting ready to go back to grading. A teacher’s work is never done! Seriously!
10/2/10 10/2/10 On Knowing Who You Are and How to Be in the World in a Right Way.
Now this comes from the teachings of my People as I know them. And I assure you that this comes much more from communing with Nature and studying the philosophy of Spirituality than from Indigenous People themselves; though I have garnered much from reading, study, and taking advantage of Native American gatherings of all sorts so that what you read here is a conglomeration of spiritual study for most of my life. I guess I would probably more truly come from an Gnostic perspective. It is merely that I find that my belief systems seem to mesh better with Am. Indian spiritually than any others. I do not feel the need for ritual or ceremony for I have found my Way predominately from my own methods. I do have rituals of my own making, but they are few. Mostly I commune with Nature and I am enlightened. In that way, I believe that I am perhaps more of a conglomerate of many different spiritual philosophies than any one. I have found connection with previous life times that enrich my spiritual ideas as well. I’m very comfortable with who I am, and the Way that I choose to commune with the Creator. I will share some of my most basic belief systems of which I work with my students in a very small way to find some sort of measure for their lives. They do not get much structure either religiously or spiritually. I find that their families are full of superstitions and fears of what God might do to them. So I try in my humble way to help them find a way to be in the world as well as to become more creative in their artwork. They seem to blossom under these teachings that I share. And they trust that I am not trying to change their religion in any way only to share with them the wisdom of my culture. And that is part of teaching the Arts, Visual Art in my case, introducing them to other cultures and help them to discover who they are. OkayOkay, I digress.
The very basic idea is that you must know who you are and how to be in the world in a right way. Otherwise your circle of life is broken, and you wonder aimlessly without purpose. You are Creator’s child. With that knowledge, comes the responsibility to behave so. That is the most important tenet of my faith and spirituality. I don’t need a church or anyone to teach me what my relationship with the Creator is or should be or what the Creator wants me to do or be. I don’t need a book to guide me. I have the Spirit of the Creator within me, and that Spark of Life allows me to learn from every sign that Nature will share with me. I can as easily speak to the Creator through a tree or even a rock as I can from ritual or prayer.
Listening to the Creator is the best way to communicate; listening and staying open to the voice of the Mysterious Way is more important than anything you might have to say to the Creator of All Things. Prayer is talking to that Holy of Holies and that is not so very necessary, the Great Spirit knows what you have to say before you can even bring it into your conscious mind. Silencing the mind is the best way to hear the message from the Great Mystery, the voice of the Great Spirit which is all around us. That Voice is with you every day all day even when you are not conscious that you are communing.
When you are anywhere, silence your mind and look about you. There is the Message waiting for the listener. Once established, that connection is there to guide you; all you have to do is trust it. That is the knotty thorn; however, to trust in the face of adversity. I am not always able to face adversity with that strength, I must confess. But, when accomplished the feeling is sublime. I strive to do so; and always I feel I draw nearer that ideal. I can find that Peace anywhere, if I but open my mind to it. In the midst of turmoil, it’s a little harder to achieve. But that is where it is needed most, so I continue to persevere.
__
10/2/10 On being an Art Teacher
So here I am again on a good Saturday. I slept most of the day! I’m tired after a week of work. I put myself into my work. It is important to me. Plus as I’ve been saying, I’ve been under a lot of stress. At the beginning of the year it was all good. I had some problems with my blood glucose levels due to not enough AC and stress. And it has just been wearing on me. This is the third year that my principal and her administrator have been on my ass about something so that I can’t just do my job with a clear mind, I have to worry about them hanging over my shoulders nit picking. It’s a mystery to me as to why this keeps coming up! But I am trying to roll with the punches! So far so good, but I would have loved to have been in that frame of mind when I started this semester.
I’m not sure what is going on, seriously; but I do know that I am taking it one day at a time. That’s about all one can do. And if this is meant to change, then I know that Creator has another plan for my life. I have other options. I’m just comfortable where I am. I love the kids, and I know how to get the best work from them. Once they see that I am only strict for that reason, they begin to mellow into my methods and theirs. I love it when I see a student who did not think they could even draw begin to take pride in their work! When I see students starting to take pride in their own work, then I know they are taking pride in themselves and that pride will translate in all directions. That’s a part of what Art is about; learning who you are and how to be in the world in a right way, and that comes from the teachings of my People.
Ah, and let me say that I have made peace with the ‘adult students’. I know they have a purpose at my school. So rather than fight it, I have joined it. Together, I think we will have a very good year! LOL
Monday, back to work. I have dark rings around my eyes from being sick for so long. I did sleep most of the weekend, and I do mean literally most of the weekend. Students pointed out to me that I had black on my eyes. I went to the mirrors and saw that it was my black circles. I told them what it was. Funny, they seemed a little embarrassed after that. Some of them, that is.
10/23/10 In which I start out religous/spiritual and end up waxing political:
I quote myself here, ““…but then the great reckoning when they [evil doers] have to face a microcosm of the self… somehow I see it as a mirrored dome that reflects back the image of the doer and the deed to infinity (all time is now recall); and the horror of the act. I wonder does the whole, the One, destroy such a one [evil one] that might drag down the entire Gestalt? Interesting idea is it not, not God per se, but the Greater Self… the Over Soul.” And I quote myself again, “Does not one pluck out a cancer for the greater good of the body?” This is what came into my mind as I reread some of my Alternative Reality Gestalt Theory of Spirituality expounded upon below where upon I spake the above. [I think I'm really getting into this bible speak now. *tongue in cheek* I hate it when I have to explain my humor. I'm always amazed at people who look at me like I just bit off my tongue when I'm being humorous.]
Okay, back on track. This thinking caused me to remember a bible quote, “if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out,” which though it sounded pretty good was not quite on target. So I searched out three versions of my “not quite on target” quote. I then sought out what I thought was the closest meaning to the original scriptures.
"So if your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your body parts than to have your whole body thrown into hell." -International Standard Version of the Bible @2008
"And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast [it] from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not [that] thy whole body should be cast into hell." -King James Bible
"If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." –New International Version @1988
I like this last version the best for my taste. My understanding is that it was translated from the Greek which is the oldest form of the bible we possess. So that I feel that it might be closest to the Hebrew versions.
Looking at different interpretations of these three versions of the same, I have found that the eye symbolized to the Hebrews an evil passion or sin itself (especially the right eye or right side of the body) and that “to offend” had nothing to do with condemnation or insult, but rather to “stumbling blocks” or “rocks” to be precise to the meaning. (I’m going to address this “right eye/right body” issue below.)
I can’t help but wonder if in the light of my belief system that it could be taken quite literally as destroying a part to save the whole. Although I really do not believe that extreme measure might be necessary, but how is one to know in the case of say, a Hitler. If an aspect of the self became so evil that it cannot be brought back into the “fold” then why would one not, for the greater good, “pluck it out?” Or perhaps banish it for a time until it is fit to be brought back into the fold. Would that not be hell? And would not the return to the whole be redemption?
I am always struck with the different ways in which interpretation changes a meaning. If one cared enough to do a little research outside of the meaning “told” us by our religions and did a little research, one would learn that word meanings are very different from then to now. A Virgin for example to ancient Hebrews was a married woman virgin of child, not man. So that Mary becomes not a virgin, but a young woman who was having her first child like say, a heifer is not a cow until she has had a calf. And to do something in someone’s name was to follow that same path, not invoke that name. So that Jesus was saying do it in my Way or follow my Path [walk like me], not call on my name and it will be done.
Oh, “blind faith,” how ignorant it can be due in part to the churches who teach that one should not question. In fact, one should let someone else tell you the meaning, like say; a pastor, minister, or priest. And I say to that, if one does not question; then one is surely blind in not one eye, but both. I mean go to church if that is your “thang;” but also think for yourself.
Be bold enough to question and research. Once you start, it’s infectious. It puts a whole new meaning into to the Bible Quote, “Ye shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall make you free.” –John 8:32 (King James) And that literally was so for me. Unbound by the shackles of blind faith, I was able to find my own Way… Path.
And right here and now I must give thanks to my parents who did not raise us in a church, but rather with commonsense spiritual values. “There is only one God. You can pray to give thanks and ask for good things, but not selfish ones. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Don’t judge a person by their clothes or their homes or the color of their skin. These things will come back on you. Don’t lie, or cheat, or steal; these things show that you don’t respect yourself and reflect back on your family. Your family tranlates to your People, we are always calling back 7 generations, I have learned this from my Am. Indian Culture. And last, but not least, always respect the Elders for these are the ones that teach you the Wisdom of the People and how to be in the world in a right way. That is basically the truths that I learned from my parents who were not highly educated, but highly intelligent. What more do you need to live by than those simple Truths? And that is my Am. Indian Spirituality. It's not hard at all... and not complicated either.
Now I want to address this idea of the “right eye or side of the body” as an evil thing. We have until recently thought that creative thinking comes from the right side of the brain, now it is believed that it originates in the frontal lobes of the brain. Perhaps though there is something to this biblical right eye/brain theory. If this portion of the brain is creative and can, say, think outside of the box; then can this not cause one to question what is right and wrong, true and false? And since religion is based pretty much on “blind faith;” then would it not be advantageous to our ancient “bible folk” if one did not question their teachings? I mean, face it; the bible was a guide to religion as well as how to be in the world 2000 years ago. And what is the quote about absolute power? I do hate to do research… *LOL* I guess I did so much of it in my 12 years of higher education. (Hell, I could have been a doctor in that amount of time, but that’s another story.)
The historian and moralist, who was otherwise known simply as Lord Acton, expressed this opinion in a letter to Bishop Mandell Creighton in 1887: "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men."
William Pitt, the Elder, The Earl of Chatham and British Prime Minister from 1766 to 1778, is sometimes wrongly attributed as the source. He did say something similar, in a speech to the UK House of Lords in 1770: "Unlimited power is apt to corrupt the minds of those who possess it"
And going back to my train of thought, religion and politics are about power in the final analysis, are they not? We see it every day on the evening news. People are driven by power to believe this and that, do this or that, or vote this and that way. So many of our population are like sheep most willingly following a snake oil salesmen over the nearest cliff be he political or religious. I am appalled at the “blind faith” I see in We, the People.
It’s scary as hell to me. We are ripe for the likes of another Hitler. And I do not mean President Obama of whom I have seen pictures with mustaches drawn on to make him look like Hitler. I join my mother in appalled wonder that any one would compare Obama to Hitler after Bush/Cheney. To have done such a thing to pictures of either one of them would have been considered scandalous, and those responsible would have been racked through the coals of our news media. If Obama were Hitler, we would already be rounding up some ones and putting them in concentration camps. G.W. Bush was the one capable of being a Hitler, and he did round up Arabs and put them in a concentration camp… I think it was fondly [tongue in cheek] called “Gitmo?” And Dick Cheney was the one most truly likely to be a Hitler in that administration.
When Hitler came into power he was thought to be some kind of Savior for the people who were suffering much like we are now. Once he was in office, he took over as a dictator and unlimited power did indeed corrupt as history tells us. Our uneducated population knows very little about history I have learned. If you can barely read or write when you get out of high school, then you are an uneducated population ripe for a dictator. That is a horror we do not want to experience here and now. Cheney, yes, could he have found the power to do so; I believe he would have been a Hitler. He almost was in my humble opinion. Trust me; Barack Obama is not made of that mettle. Our president I fear is much too cerebral, much too intelligent to be strong enough to truly lead the way the public would like. He can truly lead and is doing just that. But, you have to have a part of that dictator in you to do the best job I think. In 8 years, he could turn things around; but are the people of this country smart enough to give him that chance? This I do not know. If you are a gentle man of high intellect, it is difficult indeed. Lincoln was a gentle man of high intellect. See what it got him; a place in History, but no thanks in his life time. I think Barack Obama is much more likely to be an Abraham Lincoln than an Adolf Hitler any day. I hope he gets a chance to prove that.
OkayOkay, it’s late and I am tired. I’ll have to read this next time I’m online and see if it makes any sense.
10/21/10
Just a note...
The tech teacher and the BAC teacher are thick as thieves! *big eyes… whites showing all the way around the iris* I should have known. Why I did not see these two as a team is a wonder to me. I guess I never saw them together before. Those women are extremely OVER worried about what other people are doing. Jezuzz, I hate back stabbing… My problem is that I am too open… I don’t lie… and I don’t pretend to be what I am not; and I won’t “kiss ass.” I accept people at face value and I expect them to do the same with me. Cold cruel world out here… my antibiotics kicked in this afternoon. I feel better than last night at this time. Hope I’m better in the morning. That will surely be the test. I’m off to bed. TGIF
I’m long winded… this is short for me. I’m a teacher. I’m used to being “the one who knows." LOL I do love the kids I work with, and it is fun to watch them develop into little artists right before THEIR eyes! I expect it; they don’t!
10/20/10
Recovering from a terrible sick!
I have been so sick. It started Monday, but I thought that was a fluke… maybe I forgot to take my allergy meds… I had the old allergic asthma inhaler with me and used it. Then yesterday morning I woke up unable to talk beyond a horrid rasping intermittent squeaking sound. I thought I would die it hurt so badly… upper and lower respiratory system was my own diagnosis.
Called my doctor, they could work me in about 4 p.m. Called to cancel an upcoming dental appointment, the Dentist called me over a prescription and we rescheduled my appointment for next week. Now that was a life saver. I think it may just be kicking in today. I think I have heard that it takes about 24 hours for an oral med and 12 for an injection. I just hope this holds for tomorrow. I want to go back to work. If it does not, I will have to go to the doctor despite the meds from the dentist. Weird, eh? *LOL* Laughing out loud makes me cough…. I’m going to try to hold off on that.
Now last night I saw a movie, a very good one, “The Lovely Bones”… I missed the first part, probably better for me as it may have shown some of the horror of a young girl’s death. This morning as I thought of it, I recalled something I learned in psych 101. We do not know why children even in the same family turn out the way they do, why one rejects a model set for them by their parents and another does not. I could not help but think of this in conjunction with the movie. Now, of course, that serial killer was a psychopath. But there are those who were abused by their parents and one follows that path and another does not. The one says, “I felt that pain; I will not inflict it on another.” The other says, “I felt that pain and I know that person loved me, so if I repeat the act it only says that I love my child or spouse and that it was okay that it was done to me.” That’s the jest of it…
Now I have a hypothesis that says there are more than these 3 types: I won’t do it, because it was done to me; I will do it to prove to myself that I was loved and it is okay; and the psychopath. I think that other type is the one who does it because he just wants to. It does not matter whether he suffered it or not, he does it because he wants to and he thinks he can get away with it. And sometimes like the murderer in courtroom who says, “I’m sorry I did it, because I’ve caught religion now.” And then you ask him, “When did that happen?” And he says, “Right after you caught me.” I believe I heard that on either The Daily Show or the Colbert Report last evening. I was too sick to recall, but that was always basically my thought when I saw or heard of brutal murderers that appear in court all dressed up like prayer boys with bibles in their hands. They did it because they wanted to, and they felt sure they could get away with it. And a lot of the time, they do.
At least here on this reality, but then the great reckoning when they have to face a microcosm of the self… somehow I see it as a mirrored dome that reflects back the image of the doer and the deed to infinity (all time is now recall); and the horror of the act. I wonder does the whole, the One, destroy such a one that might drag down the entire Gestalt? Interesting idea is it not, not God per se, but the Greater Self… the Over Soul. Does not one pluck out a cancer for the greater good of the body? I’m too tired to reason how that theory might completely work in conjunction with the all time is now theory, but I did like the idea of something stretching out to infinity... like a ripple on a pool that goes on forever. *grin… sickly grin* I feel like crap still… but less crappy than this time yesterday. I’m not going to laugh. Oh, hell, I coughed anyway.
Well, now I’m getting too tired to sit up here and type my thoughts which are becoming muddled anyway. So, “that’s it, folks…”
10/18/10
Just a little work rant…
Last week after our PLC meeting… elective teachers come together for whatever… one of the other teachers brazenly asked where I was last week on Thursday. I said I was at a teacher workshop. I got it confused with the Tuesday evening workshop at the MFA… she did not seem very pleased with that reply. Thursday I was out sick. And I had left work early and came late a couple of times for doctor appointments… all coming out of my pay… or my sick leave moneys as it were. It nagged at me all weekend after sitting in the Friday PLC feeling psychic bombardment and looks of a negative kind. Over the week end I was still trying to sort it out. Now today it came up in PLC and I hope I made it clear enough that I am NOT getting anything the rest are not… in fact, I’ve been getting a ration of pain up until just recently. And I’m on guard that it will start up again!
What pisses me off is that without any reason whatsoever someone gets a hair up their behind that I might be getting something they are not… like I’m the fair haired child! Damn... what is wrong with people? I don’t care how many times the technology teacher is out, why should she care about mine. There are just way too many people who hate to see me get anything at my school. And it has taken me this long to realize that this is the very teacher who is stabbing me in the back. Constantly acting like she is my friend… hell, no, she is not! That is the only place that could have come from… yeah… I’m pissed! Because I can look back and see many things that she screwed for me.
When they remodeled my school one of the custodians (long gone now) told me that the little closet next to my room was going to be made into a little restroom for the art room. He said he saw it on the blueprint and my principal had chosen to make it the same colors as hers. That would have been so nice since I have so much stuff to take care of in that room! A few minutes running to the restroom can be the difference between not having to stay after school for a show or not! Anyway I made the mistake of mentioning it to this same teacher, this same teacher that I thought was one of my only real friends at my school. Believe you me… nothing came of that! Jezuzzz… what a fool I have been to trust her. I don’t even want to think of the other rumors that have had teachers giving me the cold shoulder might have come from her lips.
I’m a natural empath…. Some one who is very empathic to the point of being psychic about it. I very easily pick up on other people’s emotions. I have to protect myself from that, but I don’t think of it all the time especially if I am agitated from that very thing. Now it gets easier as I grow stronger in my spiritual practices. But what it feels like is psychic attack. Had I not worked with the hypnotherapist, I would not have known what it was. Some people are just like that... like me. My hearing is acute if there is quiet… also if I am not having allergy stuff. Between those two things I can really get bombarded with emotions… others directed at me… and others who are just emotionally in trauma as well. I assure you many of our children are just that. But that is part of the reason I teach at my school. I am totally dedicated to the kids at my school. It is the only reason I keep coming back. I love um! J
10/16/10 In which I start out small and end up large... again! LOL
Here it is, my husband's birthday. Funny how things sneak up on you. I have been really fighting being down in the dumps for about a week now. And here it is, and I did not know until this very day. I was very fortunate to have a husband who loved me dearly and I him. I thought we would grow old with each other. I thought we would always be together.
About a week before he died, I sat in a chair in my family room meditating. The kids were in school, his mother was taking a nap in her room, and he was sleeping. He was on midnights... which meant he would work from midnight until 8 a.m. as a superintendent at a large plant. The house was quiet, the sun was shining outside the nest of windows across from me. As I let my mind relax into the meditation I heard a voice say very clearly in my head, I did not think it. The voice said, "He will leave you soon." Suddenly I realized what was being said, and I became frightened. Since in meditation I frequently would have communications with my "Guide," I instantly thought that was the someone who would be leaving me. I never dreamed in my wildest imagination that anything could happen to my big strong handsome husband. I became very aggitated, in fact, I was starting to freak out. Then it was like hands smoothed over my chest without touching me, and the voices said, "He will be with you always." Three times I was told that phrase. I relaxed which seemed to be the point of the last exchange. I felt some concern and confusion, but I was not overly agitated as I was before. I knew, however, that it was important. I think I probably told at least my husband and probably mother-in-law as well.
When my husband died, I did not associate it with this occurrence until years later. That might very well be because I went into a tail spin that probably would have landed me in the hospital had it not been for the Hypnotherapist I mentioned in early entries. I had started seeing her just about a year before the death of my husband. She was a large part of what kept me in the world after his death because she was there for me both day and night. And my children, had it not been for my children, I would have just killed myself. No sense in sugar coating it.
After my daughter died two years later again, it was my children who kept me sane. Well, maybe not sane, but at least here. The man I was living with pretending to be married to was no help. Suddenly he went into a tail spin, maybe because I was deep in one. I don’t know. Anyway, I can’t go there yet. It was way too convoluted to explain, and serves no real purpose as I have resolved all my issues over that relationship. Suffice to say we separated and went our separate ways.
In any case, I’m here. I’m whole. And now I’m looking past middle age. It’s strange. One day you look in the mirror and you have to say, I’m not young anymore. I still feel young. But the mirror does not lie. And I have to wonder in a silly way, when did this happen? And more importantly, why don’t I really care? LOL It’s sort of like it frees you up in so many ways. Suddenly I can just be me. I don’t have to care if my “jeans make me look fat!”
I tell you what, I saw a commercial for jeans recently and my mouth just hung open. A very skinny girl had on a pair of tight fitting pants and the ad said; now you don’t ever have to worry about saying, “Do my jeans make me look fat!” I was creeped out! No wonder our little girls are worried about getting fat before they are even teenagers. “Do my jeans make me look fat?” The girl looked about 16, and she would not have looked fat in a fat suit! She was thin… thin, thin! This kind of advertising is just as criminal as the cigarette and alcohol ads that claimed that they would make you young and happy and desirable to the opposite sex!
When are people going to wake up to this criminal behavior? Probably after they have less to worry about like JOBS! I have been saying all through the Reagan and Bush years that there is an agenda in politics to turn us into a third world country! And I still believe it. Bushy Jr. went to Mexico for a ten day vacation. Before he got home practically, the president of Mexico started handing out flyers to his people not only telling them how to get across the border, but what to do once they got here. A population worried about putting food on the table and clothes on the backs of their families and not losing their homes... well, that is a population that is easy to control. They don't have time to worry about politicis... and they believe what they are told!
And especially so when some of them graduated high school unable to read or write!
This brings me to another sore point; the powers that be have been dumbing down our schools since the Civil Rights movement. That’s right, you read me right. Since the Civil Rights, the government has been trying to find a way to bring Black children up to the standard of White children. Somewhere along the line, they decided that bringing down the standards was the way to go. And so rather than bringing Black children up to the White standard; they did the opposite, and brought White children down to the Black standard. I’ve watched this.
The sadness is that the Black children could have been brought up to the White standard. They would have had to struggle at first, but it sure as hell could have been done. Black children are no less intelligent than any other race of people, neither are the Latino children we are teaching in our schools now. They do have a poverty line that makes anything difficult for them. And there are plenty of poor white students in my school in the same boat. We simply cannot give up on our children.
And that my friends just played into the hands of a certain movement in this country to put us back to the turn of the 20th century where the rich got richer over the backs of everyone else. And we are seeing it happen right here in our lifetime. Let me assure you that the educational situation is playing right into the current attempt to put us back that hundred years. A population that can barely read and write is an easy population to control. When people are comfortable with decent jobs to provide a decent living for their families while their children become more and more educated; they can think about politics clearly. They have the time to watch the news and understand what is going on in their world. They can make educated decisions before they vote. In other words, they cannot be led around like sheep with rings in their noses by the likes of the political or religious snake oil salesmen like the Bushes... the Reagans... or the Rush Limbaughs and Glenn Becks of the world.
Reagan broke the unions, and there are few of us who remember a time without unions. Actually, the man could not even imagine what it was like to be middle class much less poor. I will never forget hearing him say with my own ears during a press conference that he could not believe that there were people living under bridges in the United States of America. That was how out of touch with reality the man was. By breaking the unions the spiral to where we are now began. Unions may have been corrupt like everything else, but they gave some safety to the workers. Breaking the unions allowed for the lowering of wages, and trust me that is still going on. I see infrastructure work all over my large Texas town, and the workers are predominately Latino looking. So this infrastructure surge to bring jobs back to America has pretty much brought jobs back to the same Latinos who crossed the border willing to work for a fraction of what Americans were willing to work. Well, that is still going on. To clamp down on these companies who are employing illegals will be a tough row to how; it's a system in place that is too profitable to end without constant supervision.
I was a history person… art history in particular, but history in general. You learn a lot about history through Art… it frequently tells the story better than anything else. At the turn of the century, this country was hell for all but the very wealthy. You were worked until you dropped; men, women and children. And if you dropped, you were just pushed aside so that someone else could walk over your broken body to take your job. And we were pulled up out of that mire by Progressives like Teddy Roosevelt and others.
There is a wonderful book that tells the story better than anything I could say here. That book is “The Jungle” by Upton Sinclair. That book will open your eyes to what could be in store for us here if the Republican agenda is allowed to continue to grow. The Democrats may not be much less corrupt, but at least WE are their base! I was reminded recently of the time that G. W. Bush stated in a speech to a group of the “well heeled” that was covered by the media where he said, “some call you the haves and the have mores, but I just call you my base!” Dear God, I felt like bolting my lunch. And yet, there are those out there who will say that they are for the Republican agenda! Now, I say to that, if you are NOT in Bush’s Base, then you are stupid to vote Republican for that is who he will take care of…. HIS base and if you are NOT rich, you are NOT his base!
Ah, politics… not a good subject for me to get going on… I’m way too opinionated and out spoken. OkayOkay… I gotta let this go. I’m doing a little battle with a sinus situation. I want to control it, before it controls me! I need my rest, children.
I'll probably read this tomorrow in horror at my errors! (10/17/10 I just did, but I'm not totally horrified! LOL Nothing more to add at this time. I'm off to bed, Monday morning is going to come all too early I fear.)
10/12/10
I should not read my stuff... it just makes me want to correct errors and clarify points. And that is not the point of this rambling... it is to allow it to just come as it does unbidden from the recesses of my mind. Tonight? I’m tired. Professional development tonight, so I am running late. No profound pronouncements tonight! LOL
10/10/10 Wow.... cool!
Okay... just did a lot of reading down through there... interesting to me, of course. My ramblings are just the way my mind works... LOL did some few add ons for clarification.... or just to say. Weekend is gone... time to go back to work. I have a doctor's appointment in the morning... forgot to tell anyone... *big eyes* oh, boy.... *LOL* why do I do this to myself?
10/9/10 In which, I start out small and end up large...
Beware the man or in all fairness woman who tells you s/he is an asshole, bastard, bitch, or son of a bitch for s/he is getting ready to prove it to you and since you were forewarned, s/he is absolved of guilt! Now why that popped into my head I do not know.
I have been very fortunate in my life time to have known very few of these "black widow spiders"… male or female, but I’ve known my share. I have witnessed or experienced that they will purely suck the bloodly life from you, if you will allow it. And it does not have to be a romantic relationship either. There are just those who do not know how to exist without draining others to survive. And I am always amazed at how they justify their behavior and often claim you are their villian. Witness the alcoholic or battering spouse who will tell you that their co-dependent partner was the sickest because they enabled the process.
Think about it. Look around you, and recognize who they are for I assure you they are everywhere. They leech onto someone and do not let go until they are ripped off kicking and screaming… or they get bored and simply walk away to find another host. Then the victim is left empty and dry trying to pick up the pieces of their lives, perhaps scarred for life or perhaps they learn they are just free and becoming lighter and lighter each day until they realize that they were the lucky ones. Spouses, friends, family members, lovers, even the next door neighbor, they are everywhere in our society. They prey on the weak and the lonely and the good hearted ones and those who love them the most. You have to become strong to recognize them and put up your boundaries even to the point that sometimes others think you cruel. But you know you are right, because you simply feel whole when they are not in your life.
Now mourning, that’s a different thing. To lose someone you love so dearly for what you believe is before their time through no fault of their own or yours... now that is hell. And you will walk around with tender red scars, invisible to the eye, waiting to burst into open bloody wounds when you least expect it for all of your life.
Now, of course, it is foolish to sit and cry that they were gone before their time, those loved ones who cross over to the other side. For they have gone exactly when they were supposed to go exactly when their time and their purpose here was fulfilled. And whether we like it or not, that is exactly the way of it. We only come here to learn and grow for a short time whether that is ten minutes or a hundred years.
All time is now; therefore, that length of time is as “the blink of an eye.” One day it dawned on me that the Christian bible says that a hundred years is as the blink of an eye for the Creator. And suddenly I realized that it is so for all of us. If there is only now, then it is always as the blink of an eye. How incredulous to imagine that we are so limited in our scope of reality. How suddenly the knowledge that the earth was formed in 7 days seems so simple to understand. Actually, it was formed in “the blink of an eye.”
I know the whole concept of time as anything other than linear is so difficult for most to understand. And for me, it is the most logical thing in the world and explains simply everything. If memory serves, NASA has proven that space time is very different from our time here on Earth School through our outer space ventures. So in this place and time we have all of us agreed to believe that time is linear so that we can learn whatever it is that we are here to learn.
Therefore, if all time is now, then we are all in “cahoots” so to speak in our reality. We are not only the actors in our play but we are also the Creator and director of this divine scheme. We choose those with whom we will work out our divine existence and for what purpose all to the end of Soul Growth. And where does that lead? Well, there is only one answer and that is to The One. However, is there only The One or are their many other Ones? I would hazard the guess that there are many, many Ones that lead to the only obvious Great Mysterious One eventually. So, and there I have spiraled back to the spirituality of most Indigenous Peoples to the Creator, the Great Spirit of which we can only guess the enormity of that concept. The very idea that there are more than one The Ones can easily explain the legends of Gods. Ancient Egypt sounds much more like Am. Indian idea of Spirit Animals as go betweens to the Creator gone in a different direction. Religion is such a complicated thing, because we human beings can only concieve so much at a time. I much prefer spirituality. I don't 'owe' my spirituality to any religion.
We are all here in different levels of Soul growth, but does that mean that our over souls are on different levels as well? Could be. That would explain a lot as well.
Okay.... I lost my train of thought!
Here we go again...
All we can do is trust that the Creator, the Great ONE, is there for all of us, ready to speak to us in whatever 'Way' (as in path) we are able to receive or conceive... for in reality, we are all One for the Creator is within all of us. And, therefore, can speak to us through a rock or a tree or a Wolf or an Eagle or a Thunder Bolt or the image of a poor Human Being writhing on a cross in agony, if that is all we can conceive. Or that a hundred or more virgins are waiting to be sullied as a reward for what.... war... killing... the ignorance of it all boggles my mind.
And heaven and hell… how mysterious indeed to dream of such concepts as though our existence is a fairy tale and someone died on a cross, the son of God, in order to justify our evils as forgiven. It boggles my mind. Did I say that before? How easy it is to claim the devil made us do it, but God in the form of a man will forgive us; indeed give his only begotten son which is He, of course, to die on a cross in agony to do so. I have never heard a bolder fairy tale in my life. A story to tell children who are bad to keep them from being worse, and yet, giving them an out! All is forgiven... a god man died on a cross in agony and we are free to do whatever... and all will be forgiven. I'm sorry... it does make me laugh. I can't help it. This myth runs all through the history of religion… all have a similar version to this, but one does not know that unless one reads… studies the other religions. And God forbid one should do so for that would be questioning ones faith… which is sacrosanct.
OkayOkay.... serious again... God is love and God is peace. God forgives us in that the Creator does not judge us, we judge ourselves in the final analysis once we cross over into that other divine reality where we are part of an unimaginable soul group. Think about it. When you have done something truly bad… not even truly bad just a little bad not even near horrible, how do you torture yourself mentally with guilt and sorrow? How do you reconcile your behavior with your conscience? And how long does it stay with you, when can you let it go? Imagine if you take all your fallibles back to face yourself? Not just yourself, but all yourselves all trying to better themselves for the greater One of which you are simply a cog in a wheel. Imagine that. Would that not be worse than any hell you can imagine? Facing yourself on that grand a scale would most surely be hell for no one is harder on you than yourself when it comes to guilt. You do indeed carry it like a cross on your back. Unless, of course, you're a psychopath; but that should go without saying.
And then, if we are all One, then Jesus is the son/daughter of man, not only the son of God, for that Spark of Divinity is within us all so that we are each Jesus on the cross tortured until we are granted forgiveness... from whom? From God or from ourselves? Let me assure that was torture on that cross and that is the Hell of which the Bible speaks, the hell of facing ones own sins or evils and paying for them through the pain that eventually leads to salvation; but, oh, how long does it take to reach that salvation? How long does it take? How many lives does it take? There is the Knotty Thorn. There is the Crown of Thorns we each must wear.
So you see, in some fashion you might call me an unconventional Christian, though I say not. I do not need the fairy tales of a bible or any other so called holy book that does not speak to all in a cohesive Way (as in Path); but rather refuses to “cast pearls before swine.” If that book cannot cast Pearls before Swine then the Swine had better figure out something that does not lead to the prejudice and evil I see all over the world. Man’s inhumanity to man… and even his own children. Somewhere there has to be something that makes the evil in this world wake up and realize that they will indeed suffer the fruits of their labors, but it might not be in this life time. No indeed, it may not be in this life time; it may be in hundreds of lifetimes all being experienced in the Divine Now and spiraling through all time which is only after all Now. That one will reap what one sows can truly be a nightmare in that perspective and worse than any burning hell through which we must walk to salvation. And what pain both mentally and physically will be wrought before that salvation. And in that context of all time is now, then none of us will make it before the rest of us... so it should behoove us to drag our "swine" brethren along with us kicking and screaming as it were! *LOL* You gotta laugh or it makes you cr.
It just simply boggles (too much mind boggling going on here... LOL) my mind and truly makes me want to be the best Human Being I can be; and that… that is the teaching of my Am. Indian ancestry.
Oh, my goodness, I am suddenly reminded of an exchange between my mother in law and her sister whom were as dear to me as my own family. We were talking about love, the love of spouses and how we come together and share our lives. Suddenly I said without thinking about it that despite the reservations I had when first meeting my husband that I loved him so much that I knew I could walk through hell if I were holding his hand. In the context of which I am speaking above, I am walking through hell since his death. But since all time is now and we interact as cogs on a wheel, I am walking through this hell holding his hand along with my beloved daughter’s who crossed over to the other side so shortly after him.
How petty our concerns here. We are merely here for the blinking of an eye, but we have agreed to experience it as linear time. That is our choice, our dream, whether nightmare or no. And if we realize how large the reality of which we are a part; I believe we would all strive to leave as small a “carbon footprint” as possible... beyond the mere scope of ecology.
10/5/10
Just a small break from grading to continue with this thread of thought. I want to get it right, because it is no small matter to me. And whether anyone else is interested or not, I am. I find I want to put my thoughts together like this. However, my mind works in circles... spirals.... LOL just as the gestalt/alternative reality soul experience makes total sense to me. So it is... again I will be revising this more, I am sure. Good night! :)
10/4/10
I’m thinking about reincarnational alternative realities. I should be grading right now, but this seems more important. I won’t think so tomorrow; however, when I have to enter grades. So is life. Some time has to be for oneself!
Art is not like other subjects, so many of the assignments feed into another one. It’s just too much to explain to the lay educational individual. I get tired of it. This time it did sneak up on me. I thought I had another week. *shrug* Busy weekend. My brother brought over a hot water heater. Mine died... and it nearly drowned the one side of the garage! I had to clear the garage to get the new in there. My son and one of his friends will put it in next weekend. Cold showers for the week… but I did it this morning; so I am sure I will survive. It's rather bracing....
Okay… reincarnational alternative realities. Since all time is Now, then there is no linear experience. We must be experiencing and growing in a circular, spiral fashion.
I am experiencing an alternative reality in Ancient Egypt. Now, you may ask, “how does she know this? Is she schizophrenic?” *LOL* No, she is not. But, she has studied metaphysics, comparative religious study, and the spirituality of Indigenous Peoples the world over. As well, I have studied animal psychology, equestrian care and training. I have so many interests besides art and my own Am. Indian spirituality that it was almost impossible to pin down exactly what I wanted to major in at University. I have the kind of IQ that allows for no limit of options. On top of all these things, I worked with a therapist who did past life regressions through hypnosis for about ten years. I guess I could have easily gone into that as teaching. Funny, I never thought of that before. Isn’t it strange how we walk a path and it seems the only way we can go… then suddenly years later one realizes there were other options. We were simply so focused into that reality that we did not see those other by ways. Perhaps, however, we are experiencing those realities as we speak… or type or read. Otherwise it might be that we would not even bring the thought to mind as we were so very focused into the reality we are experiencing at this time. Interesting, eh?
I am living a soul experience in Ancient Egypt. It is one of the alternative reincarnational experiences that is influencing this reality of my life at this time. As well there is a Druid experience that is feeding in along with an Atlantis reality. My spirituality comes from the Egyptian Pharaoh, Ikhnaton, the first Pharaoh to introduce the worship of One God symbolized by the Sun with hands reaching out to humanity. As well in the Atlantis lifetime there is the worship of the One God symbolized by the Winged Sun. My Indigenous Peoples of the Americas worship the One named Great Mystery, Great Spirit, or Creator. We do not try to put a face on the Creator who is far too immense for human beings to comprehend. We know that Energy is there, but we cannot begin to name it beyond Mystery. I’ve talked about my Am. Indian spirituality, so I won’t belabor the issue.
In any case, all of those realities are influencing this one. I frequently have to make myself focus into the world as we know it. I can do it well when I am at work. I’m busy. If I am busy at home, the same. But if I have down time, I will move back and forth between these realities without seeing or hearing anything, just feeling the influence. I find that I can easily go into that meditative state that allows for commune with ones Higher Power or Over Soul. I have meditated over most of my adult time, so it is very easy for me to find that Space Within. There it is peaceful and one receives what is needed; which is not about work or family or responsibility; but about spiritual growth. Perhaps when I retire, I will become a total recluse… like a monk… only a woman! LOL I am a Crone and kind of a Medicine Woman. I’m a woman of the woods and I run with the Wolves. But Thunder Bird is my Life’s Way.
I'll try to get into the previous lifetimes for lack of a better word. If you have read what I have written, you know that I do not define them as previous lifetimes. They are alternative realities touching the spiral of a soul's growth. We move in and out of these realities as the need arises... for soul growth. More another time....
Enough tonight, I really must get some grading done.
10/3/10
It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m working on grading but need a little respite. My brother is coming with a water heater for me. The old one died. I’m trying to clear a space in the garage for the water heater until that my son can put it in next weekend. Yes, I’m taking cold showers, but I find I don’t mind at all. Once you get your head wet, it is not so bad and becomes actually bracing and rather refreshing. Now that it is starting to cool off just a little I image it will get a bit harder to deal with. I doubt it: however, my ancestors bathed in streams of water in the dead of winter; and they were most surely a hardy People indeed. It was the whites who did not wash their bodies for fear of taking a fever or some such nonsense. How they must have smelled! And especially to Indians who were very fastidious in their cleanliness. They did rub their bodies with grease from bears and the like to keep insects from biting and to make a barrier between the cold and their bodies. To the white man they stank. It’s funny to think of it to me. Indians rubbing their bodies with grease from animals after thoroughly washing; and whites refusing to wash their bodies or at least submerge them in water; I wonder which would have smelled the worst. I can’t help but think the whites.
Well, the water heater is here… and I’m busy getting ready to go back to grading. A teacher’s work is never done! Seriously!
10/2/10 10/2/10 On Knowing Who You Are and How to Be in the World in a Right Way.
Now this comes from the teachings of my People as I know them. And I assure you that this comes much more from communing with Nature and studying the philosophy of Spirituality than from Indigenous People themselves; though I have garnered much from reading, study, and taking advantage of Native American gatherings of all sorts so that what you read here is a conglomeration of spiritual study for most of my life. I guess I would probably more truly come from an Gnostic perspective. It is merely that I find that my belief systems seem to mesh better with Am. Indian spiritually than any others. I do not feel the need for ritual or ceremony for I have found my Way predominately from my own methods. I do have rituals of my own making, but they are few. Mostly I commune with Nature and I am enlightened. In that way, I believe that I am perhaps more of a conglomerate of many different spiritual philosophies than any one. I have found connection with previous life times that enrich my spiritual ideas as well. I’m very comfortable with who I am, and the Way that I choose to commune with the Creator. I will share some of my most basic belief systems of which I work with my students in a very small way to find some sort of measure for their lives. They do not get much structure either religiously or spiritually. I find that their families are full of superstitions and fears of what God might do to them. So I try in my humble way to help them find a way to be in the world as well as to become more creative in their artwork. They seem to blossom under these teachings that I share. And they trust that I am not trying to change their religion in any way only to share with them the wisdom of my culture. And that is part of teaching the Arts, Visual Art in my case, introducing them to other cultures and help them to discover who they are. OkayOkay, I digress.
The very basic idea is that you must know who you are and how to be in the world in a right way. Otherwise your circle of life is broken, and you wonder aimlessly without purpose. You are Creator’s child. With that knowledge, comes the responsibility to behave so. That is the most important tenet of my faith and spirituality. I don’t need a church or anyone to teach me what my relationship with the Creator is or should be or what the Creator wants me to do or be. I don’t need a book to guide me. I have the Spirit of the Creator within me, and that Spark of Life allows me to learn from every sign that Nature will share with me. I can as easily speak to the Creator through a tree or even a rock as I can from ritual or prayer.
Listening to the Creator is the best way to communicate; listening and staying open to the voice of the Mysterious Way is more important than anything you might have to say to the Creator of All Things. Prayer is talking to that Holy of Holies and that is not so very necessary, the Great Spirit knows what you have to say before you can even bring it into your conscious mind. Silencing the mind is the best way to hear the message from the Great Mystery, the voice of the Great Spirit which is all around us. That Voice is with you every day all day even when you are not conscious that you are communing.
When you are anywhere, silence your mind and look about you. There is the Message waiting for the listener. Once established, that connection is there to guide you; all you have to do is trust it. That is the knotty thorn; however, to trust in the face of adversity. I am not always able to face adversity with that strength, I must confess. But, when accomplished the feeling is sublime. I strive to do so; and always I feel I draw nearer that ideal. I can find that Peace anywhere, if I but open my mind to it. In the midst of turmoil, it’s a little harder to achieve. But that is where it is needed most, so I continue to persevere.
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10/2/10 On being an Art Teacher
So here I am again on a good Saturday. I slept most of the day! I’m tired after a week of work. I put myself into my work. It is important to me. Plus as I’ve been saying, I’ve been under a lot of stress. At the beginning of the year it was all good. I had some problems with my blood glucose levels due to not enough AC and stress. And it has just been wearing on me. This is the third year that my principal and her administrator have been on my ass about something so that I can’t just do my job with a clear mind, I have to worry about them hanging over my shoulders nit picking. It’s a mystery to me as to why this keeps coming up! But I am trying to roll with the punches! So far so good, but I would have loved to have been in that frame of mind when I started this semester.
I’m not sure what is going on, seriously; but I do know that I am taking it one day at a time. That’s about all one can do. And if this is meant to change, then I know that Creator has another plan for my life. I have other options. I’m just comfortable where I am. I love the kids, and I know how to get the best work from them. Once they see that I am only strict for that reason, they begin to mellow into my methods and theirs. I love it when I see a student who did not think they could even draw begin to take pride in their work! When I see students starting to take pride in their own work, then I know they are taking pride in themselves and that pride will translate in all directions. That’s a part of what Art is about; learning who you are and how to be in the world in a right way, and that comes from the teachings of my People.
Ah, and let me say that I have made peace with the ‘adult students’. I know they have a purpose at my school. So rather than fight it, I have joined it. Together, I think we will have a very good year! LOL