Page I:
*I suggest you
read from the top of the page down, and the pages from last to first.
*A crone can be any age toward
middle age recalling that in the days of the Ancient Druids, the average life
span was only to about 45; therefore, she is merely a mature woman with wisdom
and the powers of nature. Just thought I would clarify in case someone was
visualizing me as a bent and wrinkled old woman with next to no hair and a very
big cane. LOL )
* Red is for correction
with proof reading. Violet
is my Guide Waban. Black
is just me... well, sometimes with the intuition of
my Spirit Guide, Waban. In fact, I think most of the time. Sometimes I wonder where
I am getting this information. I believe it, but most I have never tried to
verbalize. So I think I get a lot more help than not. Thank you, Waban.
*Oh, Waban refers to me as Peachbird. It's an Indian named given to me
long ago. It comes from the Chippewa Nation in Michigan. The Peachbird is the
large Barn Owl. Waban says it is a name I have used in many
incarnations.
12/6/10 some revision below...
9/26/10
Did some proof reading and revision and even added a bit here and there to this Page I. I shall continue on Page II. Weebly does not seem to want to perform up to par on this page, so I must think I have enough words on this page. Find pg. II under 'more'... if you're interested in the ramblings of an Indian Woman and Crone. ;)
(crone... a wise woman 50 or older)
9/25/10
Still proof reading... I keep getting interrupted by this or that... right now it's "Dexter"...
This evening, I’m thinking about alternative realities and the gestalt theory. It is the only thing to me that explains this existence in a way that makes sense to me. I may have mentioned this before, but it deserves reiteration.
My life was such turmoil after the death of my Husband and Daughter. I think back to my life after those deaths and I see a woman floundering and lost. My life was in total disruption, and I was so codependent that I felt I had to have a man to lean on even if he was doing the leaning. I had several tumultuous relationships that I will not expound upon. Maybe a later time I will go into these things as they fit into my life’s progression, but I can see the correlations with this theory. I was thinking about gestalt theory and alternative realities when I started here, so I shall continue.
I’m a firm believer that there are definitely a lot fewer of us here than we think. I think we have “over souls/soul groups” for lack of a better word, and we as individual souls are like cogs in a wheel that spiral off from that greater ‘being/self’ of which we are a part. I am definitely a proponate of the theory of reincarnation, but as it fits into this alternative reality/gestalt theory. I believe that “all time is now.” This is all we have. If that theory is correct then we are not only living in this reality here and now through different aspects of our soul group, but we are also living through different time realities so that we are experiencing say a life in Ancient Egypt at the same time we are experiencing this life time in the 21st. century. As well, we are experiencing different realities of each of those life times. To me it is only logic that if all time is now, we are not moving along in a linear fashion.
All of this to me is just “Earth School.” We come here to test our soul growth and to learn new lessons on how to be in the world in a right way so that when we return to our soul group we have all grown from the experience. Pretty heady stuff, but it makes perfect sense to me.
It explains so many things. Why is it that two siblings talking about their past experiences together find that they have not only two different variations of the same story, but totally different experiences as well? This often brings on many misunderstandings for it is as though one is invalidating the other, when in reality they truly did have 'different' realities. Their souls interrelate like cogs in a wheel just as the aspects of their own soul is moving around like those same cogs in it's own wheel. If in one time, your conscious mind is focused into one aspect of your own soul experience and that cog moves into the wheel of another soul group; then you have one aspect of a life experience. But, however, if that is the case and then those same wheels keep turning, you will quite logically mesh into other soul groups in other spirals of realities. And different aspects of your own soul will drop like cogs in a wheel into different time realities. We are here to grow on all levels, so we are each in our own little wheel with our soul group cogs all around. Those cogs are what moves in and out of realities. We are constantly pushing growth experiences back to the source to that being, our higher self or over soul for lack of a better word. And those greater aspects of our soul groups are in turn feeding our data to a higher source. So the spiral grows, circles that spiral into other circles.
Unfortunately, for some this reality theory relegates religion as most conceive it to be as a nonfactor. How can the myth of one religion meld into this gestalt theory? It makes religion a mute point to me.
The more I studied religion, the more disillusioned I became. They are all basically preaching the same doctrine since the beginning of what we call civilization in the world as we know it. The names change, the myth basically is true to the original concept so that one is overwhelmed as to why anyone can claim that their religion is the RIGHT one. They are myth and stories for those who cannot conceive beyond them.
I do not degrade religion per se. One needs a spiritual core or life holds no meaning. That is my belief system. But at sometime the soul group will look beyond the myth to the reality, and then it often out-grows other aspects of the soul group with which it is ‘enmeshed’ for lack of a better word. I think that those in the same soul group often have to drag the other aspects of their own soul through this spiral of spiritual growth ‘kicking and screaming’ as the saying goes! :) I think that explains why the individual will appear to lose faith, to flounder along the way; and then in another phase seems to progress rapidly into another spiritual growth period perhaps in a totally different direction than the previously held concept. “As the wheel turns…” *lol* Anyway, I think my theory is an original concept that I have garnered through many, many years of exploration and study, mostly on my own. Over time I took of these concepts, those that made sense to me, and translated them into my own belief system.
My spirituality is completely compatible with the Gestalt/Alternative Reality theory above, and it is grounded in my Indian traditional spiritual beliefs in my present reality. I think it must be influenced as well by four other soul experiences of which I am currently experiencing, one being a lifetime in Ancient Egypt, another in the time of the Druids, an experience in Moo/Atlantis (not a myth, but a reality), and still another in the Indigenous People of this land before the onset of the Whiteman and Africa before slavery as well. Well, actually five then. I think my indigenous roots guide me along my personal spiritual reality as well as my soul spiral at this place in time... so to speak since all time is now. LOL As well I am quite confident that my soul group is experiencing many aspects of each of those 5 lifetimes... So that my consciousness may be focused in many different directions at the same time. I believe that in the dream state we touch into these other realities on a regular basis; and no doubt in the waking experience as well. And there is the thorny knot... LOL but I do believe that is why we will not get there alone, but all at once; because that is the only way it can happen. All time is now. Be here now... now be here...here be now.... something like that... or you are here. Some times it appears to me that we are all dragging each other kicking and screaming through our reality. Maybe Creator will have the answers once we are all through feeding back into that One Source. Then what? Be here now. ;) Good night, children. 12/6/10{As an aside; why would Moo/Atlantis be any less a reality than the myth of religion in general? Since the beginning of recorded time we have been hearing and reading basically the same story of Atlantis (Moo is lesser known, so I refer to Atlantis); like it or not, that’s a fact not a fantasy.}
All life is a circle. If you start a circle it comes back to you. This is a saying of my People. I believe that, but in the concept that life is a Spiral and your Spiral may wind back and forth touching itself again and again in a circular pattern… for all time is now.
And now is all we have.
(I hope I have not offended anyone in their own spirituality. All Ways lead to the same source, and that source is the Creator of All. Hold tight to your faith until something else might speak to your heart. And then do not be afraid to explore that something else for it may be the Way that sets you free. Jesus said, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set your free. And as well, "your temple is in your heart.” I have a lot of respect for the actually words of Jesus, not those who try to interpret them into whole clothe, however.)
9/24/10
Here I am on a good Friday night with a low grade tooth ache. I lost a crown yesterday. This morning I lost more of the crown… or the inside of the tooth! I don’t know, but I was really afraid it was going to start hurting like hell. I stayed home to get it checked out. I’m on pain killers, if it gets too bad and antibiotics. My dentist is out of state, so I have an appointment for Wednesday. So it goes.
Yesterday at my f…in’ school… pardon my language... it’s not the f…in’ school, it’s the f…in’ administration. Wow… that was a lot of f…in’ talk for me… even in abbreviation! I’m a firm believer in the idea that profanity is merely a lack of good vocabulary and verbal expression! But that is just how angry I was and am with my Principal!
The problem is partly my fault as I am too stubborn to change my course of action for someone else. I was in the middle of something with the kids in the one class that a surprise observation person from outside our district walked into my room. What I was in the middle of was… well, I call it the honey moon phase. The kids in that class have had to deal with standing room only where we get nothing accomplished, but discipline. That class had 44 to 46 students at any one given time for weeks. Finally the end of the last week my classes were narrowed down to workable sizes… no doubt in anticipation of the visits.
Oh, before I forget again, I have had adult “students” for lack of a better word in my classes… no doubt ever since we got this new principal or before. I was too stressed out to think about it. And now I look back they are a major part of the discipline problem in my classes for years. They just keep things going. Now I am calling them on it. I tell them right up front I know who they are and I want them out. I want them to do their jobs, but they better not keep me from doing mine in the process. And they have, and I have paid the price. Damn…. That really pisses me off. I’m going to have to give that some serious thought!
In any case, I was sitting at my desk with a fan on me. My room is hot in the morning when I arrive. I turn on the AC and it takes about two hours for the damned room to cool off, it’s about 3 times the size of a normal classroom with one AC! That’s what the little rooms have. That AC would not cool less than 82 degrees, because that is where it was set. I'm lucky if I get 83 or 84 degrees on the theromstat. And that was hot… as the day went on; it got warmer outside and the room warmer. Hell, it’s hot! The kids are complaining and sleepy, and my blood sugar is soaring. I’m using about twice as much insulin since going back to work than I was all summer!
Well, what happened was this; I was sitting at my desk when this woman came in to observe. I should have gotten up and done all the stuff I usually do, BUT I was doing something that was more important to me. I call it the honeymoon phase. After the hectic undisciplined whole bunch of kids, these students were unused to doing the in class assignment as given. I told them to go over their notes and add the color where needed (we’re working on the element of Art, color… color schemas to be specific) and when they felt they were through studying to work on their thumbnail sketches in anticipation of a Portrait Project. BTW, this should have been done in the first couple of weeks, but when you have a classroom revolving door of students; you simply don’t get anything done… I think understandably. Okay, I’m getting off my train of thought. Here goes again.
I was letting them go about their merry way. I could see them more or less just sitting there doing nothing. Some even had their heads down. Now this observer was seeing that they were not engaged in learning. She was right. But there is always method to all my madness. I know the kids at my school. Once they finished reviewing as I said (we had done so as a class before she came in, btw); I told them to work on their thumbnail drawings for a very big project coming up, and we would have a short quiz at the end of the period.
What they needed to learn that day was to take me seriously. I promised a quiz before class was over. They thought it was just like the days when there was standing room only (I have 34 desks) . As I said, I should have got up and done what she wanted to see, but I'm stubborn. And I’m no fresh out of college kiddo teacher, I know what I’m doing and why. My art education background goes from commercial art, to all the creative disciplines, to even a touch of art therapy that I picked up on my own as a combination of psychology classes and a lot of art therapy research on my own. As well, my master’s degree is in Art Education with an all level teacher certification. (I think, education wise, I said all this before now that I think of it. In any case, I'm over educated.) And you better believe that when I do art therapy exercises with my students, it’s a lot more than making little baskets! Just as I teach from a fine arts perspective rather than arts and crafts, my way of using art therapy is a science just like my art instruction! *LOL* If I do say so myself.
I did not budge, to do otherwise would have defeated my purpose. I kept right on doing what I was doing which was filing some artwork in an alphabetized portable file for ease in grading. I kept looking over my class and some were studying, some were not. The woman that observed said that no one seemed to understand what they were doing. Well, that was because despite the fact that I had told them repeatedly with demonstrations, they were assuming it was business as usual. I did tell her twice that the heat makes my blood sugar soar and I have to sit in front of the fan, which is the Gawd’s honest truth. Part of what was making the students sleepy was the same thing, it was hot. I’m not always really responsible for some of the things I say when my sugar has soared past 200… which it does almost daily at school no matter the insulin I take. And of course, I’m not going to endanger my life by taking too much either. It’s a fine line I have to walk. I'm a serious diabetic, I take at least 3 doses of insulin a day unless my blood sugar goes high then I take more. and I take a 24 hour insulin before bedtime.
After the woman left, I asked at the time I had planned if they were ready for their quiz. Everyone suddenly looked up in wonder, “what?” I could read their little minds. They were thinking just because she told us and she is sitting their filling like nothing is going on… we are not going to have a quiz. *LOL* I felt sorry for them…so I let them look at their notes. Thus… they fell a little in love with me there on the spot! I kept my word, BUT I had mercy! It works every time. Now the next time I say, we will have a quiz before the class is over, they will believe me! As I said, this should have been accomplished in the first couple of weeks easily. I had way too many students in every class, but that period was the worst… well, except for the period that I have 13 life skills students with two aids while I had over 35 regular ed. Now that was a MESS as well.
Actually, the next class period day, I did the same thing. We reviewed together. I stressed the importance of understanding the Elements so that we could move into important assignments. I reminded them of up coming projects. I told them that as soon as we get through this initial process we will begin our more serious work. I told them I prefer they learn by making art, not reading and writing about it though both processes are valid. I never talk down to them, but I do tell them to ask for meanings of words they do not know. In any case, they were perky. And then I amazed them again, once more I had mercy! I told them that the object was not to pass or fail, but to learn the information so that we could carry on. Then I put them in study groups of 3 or 4 students. Again, I was merciful! They must not really be getting this kind of thing in other classes, because they were floundering. I’ll have to work on that as well. So I made the assignment one of doing like a quiz, but then as I saw those who were finished correctly, I asked them to help others who were having trouble. Everyone was happy with this new process! I encourage students aiding other students… sometimes… I’m the teacher, however, and I take that job seriously. *LOL* The outcome? Bang…More affection for the Art Teacher! This is my mindset… they have to fall in love with me to give me their trust so that when I say the work is not finished until I say so or I put 3 maybe even 4 steps before a project with teacher/student conferences before moving into the final drafts; my students trust that I’m working a process with them and that they can succeed. I have to make them appreciate that I Care, otherwise, I would not bother.
Anyway, stubborn me, I would NOT change my course of action. It’s just nearly impossible to explain my process to either core curriculum teachers or even most art teachers. When I enter a contest the other teachers assume I’m doing work for my students, because they don’t get the results that I get! I hate that… but I know what is what. I’m an intuitive teacher. I follow what I know in my heart will work. And if I’m not going crazy over discipline… it works! With a normal size class, you can work the discipline, but when you have about twice as many students as you should have along with adult undercover types; it becomes a three ring circus… and you aren’t even the ring master! *LOL* You’re more like the referee! (They must be paying out the wahzoo for those 'undercover whatever they are folks' keeping me from getting my discipline going in a right way. And I've been paying the price for that sh... This is driving me to profanity!)
In any case, my philosophy is to get their trust so that I can help them develop their own style of work and improve on it. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing a student who came to you feeling like they could not draw a stick figure suddenly become proud of his or her style of making art. And to see them blossom into what I feel is the roots of becoming a real artist. Whether or not they want to be a real artist is not important. What is important is that you have taken some, I hate to use the term, but some ghetto kid and taught her/him to believe in him/herself and trust her/his own creative and learning process! That’s the satisfaction, the reward for a teacher, this teacher.
There is really a thrill when one of those students accepts help from an art type visitor in the room after having said something to the effect that “this is my style.” Then gracefully allows that person to work on their art work, and afterwards erasing said effort. I never touch a student’s artwork without asking permission first, then I only make the smallest alterations to show the way. If I can demonstrate on another piece of paper, I do. They have to own their art work. If I won’t allow other students to help them, then I surely cannot. I always tell them that they are developing their own style, and having help is defeating that purpose. *LOL* I love what I do! I also tell them that I am the only other person who can do anything on their artwork, and that must be the least amount possible. If I can get those bozo adults out of my classes, something can happen besides discipline.
Of course, I think it helps that I start my day everyday asking to be Creator’s Teacher, to “make me an instrument of thy will.” Of course, I pray, but I mostly listening. I think prayer is talking to the Creator, listening is giving Spirit a chance to talk and to answer. I’m positive what Creator has to say is more important than my praying. So I try to listen a lot. Besides all that I talk to Thunder Beings… that is surely more listening than talking, I assure you. Thunder is His/Her voice, lightening is Her/His tongue. I love a good Thunder storm! I sleep like a baby. I know that I am in the arms of that Thunder Spirit, and no harm can come to me.
It’s nearly impossible for me to talk about this spiritual thing I experience. Creator is too mysterious to name a He or She… or Her or Him. And yet, one cannot refer to the Great Mystery as IT! That’s just all there is to it. And the Thunder Beings… well, that is truly impossible to explain without coming off fantastically strange to most people. And well, its way too personal to go into very much as well. Suffice to say that I have been given that power… and I am amazed and grateful at the same time. I know I’ve been blessed. And I give thanks for that all through my day wherever I am. When the rain stops, and I have asked; it’s humbling. Let me tell you. It’s truly humbling.
OkayOkay, I’m getting off point… that’s really easy for me as my mind goes a mile a minute in many different directions almost simultaneously. Fortunately, I type about as fast as I talk… but thinking can get ahead of the game! LOL
AlrightAlright… anyway, that observer came to counsel with me… and of course, to criticize everything I did. I was furious, because I am one of those powerful women that when I feel like I’m being kicked into a corner comes out fighting… hackles raised, claws and teeth bared! Did I mention I walk with the Wolf clan? *LOL* It’s the god’s honest truth; my quick tongue can get me in trouble. Maybe that's from my connection with the Thunder Beings… hmmm… I never thought of that before. One thing… forgive me, Spirit, I know I’m much more intelligent than either of those women and almost everyone else I meet! *LOL* "thy name is vanity, woman"... something like that.
I'm Indian...I think our minds work differently. I heard an Elder say one time that all Indians are natural born leaders, its part of our DNA. I believe that. In the Indian Nation, a person is only a leader if others follow. And I’m that way. I don’t mind following. I’m not seeking the other kind of power. But if the leader falters, I can take over and lead. Or get so disgusted that I walk away. Now that’s Indian! *LOL*
We were discussing my problem with the heat and my blood sugar. As I explained, my principal said she didn’t know about that problem! I was appalled. It caught me so much off guard that all I did was look at her and snarl, “yes, you did.” Where upon she said she didn’t. I said, “you did” with supreme disgust. I just ignored her after that. What a stupid b…, never mind! The Union was out to the school last spring for that very reason. Does she honestly think that they don’t have a record of that? My respect for her in that moment fell right down on the floor! She sounded like one of the students… for Gawd’s sake! I truly do not know how she can face me after that shocking display of her lack of ethics.
Some kid last year with a problem filled out a report than I told him to shut up. The little brat was just back 3 days from CEP… where they send kids who are so much of a discipline problem that they can’t stay in the regular ed. school. This year some little girl said that I said, “Yo, Momma… or yo, mammy” talking to the kids. She wanted to change her schedule! BUT, what burns, is that I was told, not given a chance to defend myself. Oh, this is getting too sickening to type about anymore. In any case, she is still in my class! And that I DO appreciate. No child should be able to change schedule by hook or crook!
For some reason, all I can think at this moment is that song, Rhiannon, from Fleetwood Mac that keeps playing in my head for months now. I haven’t thought too much about it. I’ve always loved that song along with the rest of their music. Now suddenly it takes a different meaning. If the Thunder Beings want to take my life, then I have told them I am ready. I guess I’m ready “to be taken by the wind” and to be used as I am willed. Hmmm… heavy stuff. I’m going to have to give this some thought.
Enough about me…. ;) This was a pretty long rant, wasn’t it! LOL
9/21/10
Too much work... have to get off to bed! Tomorrow will be another busy day, but not as bad as the last two plus today... report/progress cards... my classes have been a revolving door. I've had up to 46 kids in one room with desks for only 34. 34, in and of itself is too much for an art room! It's just totally impossible to manage, much less get any art work done... so there it is. Good night... ;) more later on these teacher rants! LOL 9/20/10
No time tonight... grading... LOL teachers work is never done....9/19/10
Sorry, I've got a little rant here to share... I just can't contain myself. Someone I know just got royally screwed by their insurance company after a big accident with lots of medical stuff and a totaled vehicle.
I recall going to the doctor for almost two years for two accidents that were NOT my fault...and all I got was about $4000 for my pain and suffering, taking off work, pay lost, driving to and from... the insurance companies are the only ones who make out with insurance! I was hoping we were going to get some reforms from this administration... but the extreme right led by Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck and their ilk is running on reversing everything that's done... and putting us beyond back in the Bush years.... the people are going for it by the sounds of some of them! Repeal all the reforms... kick yourself in the Butt, We, the People... some of us are stark raving mad... the rest of us are being driven there by the former... they can't seem to see the forest for the trees! Things are just barely starting to reform... we even have some medical insurance reforms now that keep us from getting screwed at least some of the time... but no, those are taking away our constitutional right to be kicked in the ass as many times as we can stand it! Oh, never mind... I should never have let this cross my mind!
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Well, I see below that I wrote a whole treatise on being Indian in a White Man’s world… and Wannabees… I truly do not recall typing those thoughts. They are mine to be sure. But I was stunned to see them here. Seriously! What can I say? It sounds ridiculous, but so it is. *lol*
I think I just might be a bit of a philosopher, if I do say so myself. Some professors at University thought so as well. But never mind that. I give thought to many things. And it's as though my subconscious mind just takes over at times… which is alright, of course. If I did not recognize it as my own, then that would be a problem! I know it is very easy for me to go into an altered state of consciousness since I have worked with meditation and regression hypnosis for a very, very long time.
It is my spirituality to be able to move between realities. I'm an Indian woman who talks with Thunder Beings... an elder... and a Celtic Crone... quite a combination! LOL
So another time I will address the issue of altered states consciousness and alternative realities. I have a long, long history of religious and then spiritual study on my own. And I have taken what works for me and let the other slip to the wayside. I think I have a perhaps different view on spirituality than perhaps anyone I have know. And yet, it is so easy that it can be found in all religions… well, another time. I am tired now. And I shall rest.
On the blog I started a subject on my theories on gestalt reincarnation which fascinates me. The old theory of God creates the world in 7 days and made Eve out of one of Adam’s ribs simply does not explain it for me. Nor does the idea that we come into this world and die out of it to be judged for our sins and then tossed into a fluffy place call Heaven or a burning fire place called Hell. That hypothesis just sounds like scary stories to me from a time when Human Beings were possibly too primitive to think beyond good and evil. Somehow that story caught on and the majority of people cannot let go of it. That’s the amazing part to me.
I’ve got a lot more to say on this theory, but I think this will have to do for tonight. Tomorrow I will spend a bit of time here expounding on the topic. Writing it out like this seems to solidify my belief system. It’s a good thing to get it out. I’m a very spiritual person and have studied such issues most of my life. I guess I started about 12 with Protestantism and just kept on going from there to where I am today. A rather interesting journey I would say. But we shall see if you will say so as well.
9/18/10
what makes a good story... a good book? For me it is fantasy or another time and place. I like a love story thrown in for good measure. Sometimes I want that sappy sweet kind of story and sometimes I want it to be filled with more history or fantastical stuff. It just depends on my mood. My reading genres are so varied that it is near impossible to put them all down. I have books all over my house. Wall to wall bookshelves in some areas. And there is hardly a room without at least a small book shelf. I have two bedrooms full of storage stuff; and two bedrooms that are usable. I'm a horder, I hate to get rid of things that I feel sure I will need in time. This summer I cleared out a lot of things including some of my books. Children's books that I have had for some 20 years or much more. I loved many of those and I just gave them away. Now I wonder what the hell I was thinking. Sure, there were shelves of them that were of no value or interest for future times. But some of those books I myself would have read again in time simply because I love the story and most of all the illustrations.
What gets into a person? I look around my house at things I should have gotten rid of but did not!
9/19/10 I know what happened to the books. I had a separate box to keep... and I got it mixed in with the ones to go! *heavy sigh* Well, Creator I guess was telling me that material things are just that... material things. Perhaps someone needed them more than I.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~9/18/10
Oh, by the way, this may be a pretty bumpy ride if you’re expecting my ramblings to go in any kind of linear fashion. Native American minds do not work that way and mine surely does not… and I am American Indian. I prefer the name American Indian as I said earlier in this dialogue with and for ME. Anyone born in this country is a Native of such; and therefore, Native American. Those of us with Indian ancestry have the blood of those who met the others on the shores in our veins; we deserve to have American before our name as we were here before. Russell Means in his book, “Where white men fear to tread…,” said something to that effect and I found it satisfied my distaste with the term Native American. Some say First Nations, I believe that term came from Canada; and it suits me as well. Mostly I am always struck by the way the White Man got it so screwed up. Either we were rounded up and driven to reservations or we had to hide our heritage. The law of the land was "annihilation or assimilation." Many of our ancestors chose assimilation to annihilation, so we lost our heritage because in that process we had to hide our ancestry only frequently to be revealed in old age or even on death beds. In my case, we had family stories that stopped short of really telling you something. And this until old ones became too old to remember or else they kept the secret so long they could not still admit it all. A long kept lie becomes the truth at least in the minds of those who only know the lie or those who have kept it too long. Then one day something is revealed and there is a revelation of knowledge. Suddenly one learns why they never fit in… why your mind simply does not work like most of those around you. As you learn more and more you begin to seek out those ones and the longings for something more. And then one day, you are in the company of Indian Elders; you are learning a new way. And that new way feels like home. Just like you have come home, and then it all makes sense.
And then you hear such words as ‘wannabe’ and you feel sickened that something you have valued so much is called seeking another culture instead of regaining your own. And you are embarrassed until you realize that talk comes from pain; the pain of being born on a reservation where you have next to nothing. Where no doubt you or your children have been ripped away and sent off to a mission schools where your spirituality, your culture, the essence of who you are is ripped away from you literally by torture. Then that child is returned to the reservation, concentration camp is probably a better word. And that child is returned to a world that he has been taught is despicable, that world that he or she has been taught is not worthy of human beings. No longer does that lost child know who he or she is or how to be in the world in a right way. They have lost their pride, their dignity and all in the name of religion… annihilation or assimilation. And the lost one does not fit in either world. Being taught that the culture from which they came is unworthy, they also learn that they cannot fit into the world they came from so there they are stuck between two worlds fitting in neither.
They come to a world so poor and desolate that they turn to drink and drugs and abuse their children and their wives. For after all, if you are worthless then anyone or anything that comes to or through you must be worthless as well. It is a horrible vicious circle that has been forced on a people who do not remember who they are. And as I learned these things, yes, and figured them out for myself; I realized that there was a reason for the “wannabe” title. If you can barely remember who you are, then it is ridiculous to believe that someone wants to steal what little you own. And that is your identity. But I say to these ones who think that way, those wannabes are the very ones who remember what you may have lost and they feel cheated. And they remember because it is something in their veins, the very blood in their veins that calls them home. My grandmother used to always say, “The blood will tell.” She was Cherokee and we think probably Choctaw as they lived where she was born. And the Blood does tell, and then I have to say that a reservation does not make an Indian. It is that very blood, no matter how little there is of it that longs for more, longs to know who they are and why they do not fit into the world they are born into. They are like square pegs trying to fit into round holes as the old adage goes. And those wannabes want to stand with those reservation Indians; and by their very numbers give the power to overcome and be heard.
Grandma was an Indian, Grandpa was half, another Grandmother was definitely some part, and on and on. Or maybe like in my case you have Indian ancestry from three of your four grandparents, and you never fit in because you have the feelings and the different way of seeing the world of an Indian even though you don’t know it. And your heritage has been stolen away from you just as surely as if you were stolen to a mission school only it was not beat out of you; it was forced out of you without your knowledge. And it hurts like hell when you are rejected by so many, but not all…until you can figure it out and come to that place where it does not matter what anyone thinks Indian or otherwise. You know who you are and how to be in the world, because you fought for it by letting it lead you to where and what you are, a stranger in a strange world neither fitting in either world. So the story is the same, only you have no name for what was stolen from you, but it is your very soul in many respects. You simply do not know who you are until you seek and seek and seek until there is no answer but that you are different because you are different. You simply are too much Indian to fit into that other box. And then you reach that point where you just don’t care anymore. *smiling* You know who you are and how to be in the world, and you could care less what anyone… and I mean ANYONE thinks about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~That some how brings my mind to my earliest beginning as an Art Teacher. When I first came to my middle school I recall carrying a resume in my hand and hope in my heart. I had graduated from a two year college that preferred not to call themselves a junior college; after all they might at any time decide to become a four year college… or university I believe in that case. That being said, it was the best junior… I mean two year college in the whole city, perhaps the whole state. The credits from that two year college could transfer to any university in Texas and for that matter any one of them in the country. Now that was a good recommendation. As well, it was less than 4 miles… very convenient… to my house in a pretty darned decent subdivision. I received an Associate’s Degree in Commercial Art. I did not pursue the entire degree because I had already decided to attend a university and work for a degree in art.
From there I proceeded to one of the largest city Universities in the Country, a prestigious university I might add. There I received a Bachelors Degree in Studio Art Painting with enough credits for an art history degree, which they did not offer. I put extra time in taking every art class I could get. I then proceeded to work for an All Level Teacher Certification in Art. I was too old to go the starving artist routine, though I think my work was on that level.
I also worked toward my Master’s Degree in Art Education. I finished all the classes but for the final questions that gave me the degree. I went to work, because I needed the money. My mother in law moved in because she was no longer able to live on her own. And the head of the department that I took all my classes with was gone. She got married and moved on. The new Head had nothing in common with her; she was such a shock to my system that I just dropped it. She was teaching art education the way you would teach people who had no real art experience at all! I was doing an internship at my school for two semesters. She would come to review what I was achieving and she, now that I think of it… not unlike my administrators knew nothing about progressive new ways of teaching art. She wanted me to follow some formula that was for the Core Curriculum. Visual art has nothing in common with the classroom of a core curriculum instructor if it is being taught correctly. We are constantly modifying and working from intuition… what works here does not work there, so we revise. I work hard to bring out the best in my students and send them off from my classes feeling like they can succeed anywhere they go. I teach them not only to make Art; but how to be in the world in a right way. My students crank out wonderful art work, because the more confident you are in whom you are the more it will show in your art work. I teach them to develop there own style, not judge themselves by anyone else’s work. What that does is help them appreciate their unique contribution to society. They realize their own self worth. If I had those students for the rest of their educational career… the weakest apparent talent could turn into a professional artist. That’s the magic I know! And it is pretty well impossible to communicate. You either got it…or you don’t. And that was the way the Doctor of Art Education that I learned from nurtured her students. Though some of us “got it” and others did not. In fact, I think I got it more than anyone else! When she left I had absolutely nothing in common with the new Doctor of Art Ed. I could no more be judged by her standards than I can by the standards of Administrators from Core Curriculum back ground. They just do not get it. But they should get it by looking at the quality of the work my students are able to accomplish and the reaction of those who come through our school and compare the work to high school achievements!
And I wonder, why do they continue to measure me by those other standards and NOT by what I accomplish? I think it has something to do with being “the boss” and lording it over someone else. I know… you don’t… and you will do it my way or the door way. It’s small mindedness; and yes, ignorance of what education can really be all about. But on the other side of the coin they are under the pressure of those above them to accomplish something that their jobs hinge on. I simply cannot see why they are blind to the differences between Fine Arts and Core Curriculum…. We cannot be held to the same standard. And that does not mean that we are NOT competent efficient teachers. We can only be judged by the products of our labors. And now I think of it that is the only way to judge Core as well. We just have completely different processes. I work with the creative part of the brain, which learns and functions in a completely different way than the analytical portion of the brain. But if you do not have both areas of the brain functioning at top performance, you do not have a well integrated individual! When will they learn and stop putting that kind of pressure on us. Hey, here it goes. I’ll bet you money that it is the rest of the faculty. It seems they cannot stand it if we do not have to do things the same way they do; especially ME! Okay, enough on this topic. Art Education is my love and drive, I’m sure it is not that interesting for others! But since I write this more for me than the collective you, then it’s my mind that I have to please.
Well, that was a long ramble... I think I need to give it a rest for awhile...
9/17/10
Okay, my story is still down there somewhere... well, quite a ways down there now.... just changed a couple of words.... can't keep from babying the piece... nursing it along. I have to get back to my book. Damn... it scares me to start putting it back on here again..... *sigh*
Now I am off my career... I'm thinking of some political things... actually 9/11 and the building of a Muslim Mosque near the site. I am appalled at the number of Americans who are up in arms about this! This country was built on religious freedom. We can't blame all Muslims for what a fringe fanatical group was responsible for... oh, wait... yes, we can. A large number of Americans... in fact, if statistics are correct something like 70%... for God's sake! Can't people think for themselves? Do they have to believe every damned thing they hear from any bozo who wants to say it?
Here's what I wish... I wish every religion in the world.... well, wait... not churches of Satan. Even though I don't believe in a Devil...or Satan... yes, evil in the world... but not a devil per se. I wish all the churches of the world would come together and build their churches or temples as close as they can to that site. I wish that they would clear the site and place a huge monolith of some kind of shining white stone... huge... reaching up into the sky like beacon. I wish they would make the place a park with a walk way around the outside and walk ways up to the monolith like the spokes of a wheel... keep it a circle. I would wish that it had beautiful benches all around the site so that people could look up at the monolith and remember that we are all worshipping the same Creator no matter what we call that Deity. We all worship in different ways.. but it is still ONE GOD! I wish that all the religions of the world should be written on the base of that monolith. Beautiful trees... the whole place lit so that it looks like daylight all the time. Lights turned up to the top of that monolith like a beacon to God. Let all people go there and sit in the sight of a place dedicated to ALL religions, including that of my People! Gezuzzz... that would be beautiful! Damned beautiful! And what a slap in the face to all religious fanatics that 9/11 becomes a celebration of religion rather than a condemnation! I'm an artist... *LOL* I think about these things.
I'm not a Christian. I don't know if I said that below or not. I'm American Indian. Russell Means doesn't like the word Native American... nor do I. We were here first; we deserve to have American first. His book, "where white men fear to tread" is a powerful piece of work. I count it as one of my favorite books. In any case, I have European ancestry as well. So I count that I am a cross between an Am. Indian and a Celtic Jew... LOL Sorry I could not resist that bit of humor. Actually, it's closer to the truth than anything I could ever call myself.
Since I am isolated, I worship in the traditional way of my Peoples. I kinda let Spirit/Creator lead me in that Way. I've dedicated my life to the Thunder Bird/Beings. And I have some powers, but they are only powers of asking... not making things happening. I learned summer before last that I had said powers in other ways than asking for weather changes. I think that kinda opened a window in my mind. I need to do some more of that here. I did that back home up north. It's a good feeling to know that you have a connection with the Creator through Nature and that it is real and that there is tangible evidence to support it.
Sometimes I'm tempted to use it in a negative way... right now I would like to send a little lightening bolt to my Principal and her Administrators to jolt them awake as to what they are doing. My experience is that when you work with women.... in control... I don't care what color they are... it gets like teenagers... they can be so damned catty... and they feed off each other. Now I have to say that through all this crap, some of the men teachers have been the nicest to me. I don't mean fawning over me, but just speaking to me in the hall before I have to speak to them.... stopping for a moment to ask how I am like they really mean it. My teacher cart handle slipped out of my fingers on my way out yesterday. One of the men teachers coming by picked it up for me, and pulled it to the office. He even offered to pull it out to the car. I was taken by surprise by his niceness... he was just plain being nice. And I was really moved by the experience.
Ah, well... confessions aside... LOL here goes one.... There were about 7 things that were going to be assessed during that month's probational thingie.. one was that I refused to follow directives... I'm not a kiss ass, you might guess from these ramblings. If I think something, I say it. If I do something wrong, I will admit it. That directive thing stuck in my craw... well, it all stuck in my craw! But... I was in the middle of "meaningful instruction" (which I have always done!) when an office worker came into the classroom. She said, Mrs. BlahBlah wants you to fill out this ballot to vote for the Teacher of the Year before you leave today. She had a whole stack of them, so it was not just me. But that just went all over me! I took the paper and tore it into 4 pieces. I gave it back to her and I told her, "I have worked at this school for almost 12 years, and I have never been nominated for anything. I don't know who is on the ballet and I don't care. You tell her, I said, NO." She was grinning from ear to ear with eyes sparkling, and I never really thought she liked me. So I don't exactly know how to take that grin! LOL What I was actually thinking was here goes.. not following another directive. I hope she realized that. Man, I can be a nasty old bitch! I just hate it when I have a fit of temper like that! It just goes all over me! The kids said, "what was that about... what did she want you to do." I said, "that's none of your concern, now let's get back to instruction." And we did, but you know... LOL I saw a whole new look of admiration in the eyes of those children! We had a good time with the rest of that class period! They are finally parring my classes down to about 25 students. Last week, I had standing room only in that classroom. I mean, I had 44 kids in a classroom with table for 34! They were all over the place! And there is nothing you can do with a class that large. And YET, that was when my designated administrator came in to assess my performance. Do I think they got it out for me... you better believe it!
Well, I may regret that little incident come Monday cause some people might take it as something against those running. That was the farthest thing from my mind. I was fed up with a woman no older than myself telling me I had to do this OR that like I was some kind of peon... wow, that's a word I have not used in many years nor heard for that matter. But it surely works there. In my culture we are taught to respect Elders... I'm an Elder compared to her. Maybe others will kiss her ass, but I will not... nor will I kiss any other ass for that matter. That just goes against the grain! I've never been able to do that! I'm a human being standing up on two legs... I expect to be treated that way. I give back what I get. If she wants better from me, she better starting giving me better! I will follow as long as the leader is leading in a good way. If not... then I won't be a very good follower. That goes right back to my Indian culture. A leader was only a leader as long as people wanted to follow him. When they did not, he was not. The white man said we had chiefs... that was white man talk.
9/17/10
Well, I just read over what I wrote about the vicious attack on my teaching ability. My son came up and taped that conversation which I meant to say went from "we have to think of the children first... we need teachers who are here every day" (I was under doctor's care! oh, it ended with, of course, we want you to be well.) And yes, I was emotional under all the stress of health issues plus the pressure at school. I'm getting off track just as I did below! OkayOkay, when my son come to school to support me in that conference; it suddenly turned to "of course, we are concerned with your health, that is our first concern... we just want you to be alright!" Amazing... my son taped the whole thing! Praise God for that. He still has it. The last confrontation shortly before school was out I called the union. I wasn't too pleased with the rep they sent... he did not do very well representing me with them... but it was enough that they took the pressure OFF! I'm not going here..... too frustrating. But I am covering my ass... as best I can. I have watched the double standard at my school since this new principal has gotten our school.
It just dawned on me driving home from work yesterday that the principal of a school sets the tone for the entire faculty. If I get anything at school, it has to be explained away. She is the Liaison for a Fine Arts Grant. I asked for it! I am the Visual Art teacher... or as the district says, Visual Art Specialist! We had a theater teacher who was brand new. We were it... the Fine Arts Department. Yes! I felt like I should be the Liaison. You would have thought the principal made me President of the School... I was shunned from day one! Then we got a Band instructor. I ask her, if I could be the Fine Arts Head. I noticed you was a bit nervous, but she said, "yes, of course, you would be the one to get the position." Last year after only having it for one year, I ask to be released from the position since it was just too much with the Liaison work. I didn't add that since I got so little support from the faculty who had minor things to do in support and had to be beat over the head to get them.... some of them to carry through. In any case, the Prin. said at our faculty meeting that we had a new department head of Fine Arts. I mean there was SILENCE... not a sound! And she literally said, "she asked for the position." Which didn't help much, but I did here people start to breathe again! I felt like falling through the floor! After that I was pretty much treated like a leper by most of the faculty. I can't go any farther... it has been hell and getting worse every year now... only now I have the strength to deal with it.
9/16/10
Just did a quick reread of the story. I found a couple of words that just did not seem to work together as I would wish. Changed them up. Hope it works. I need to start another one I think.
Okay, I was totally demoralized on the 13th... today I woke up feeling like "what the hell"... this harrassment sounds to me like someone not wanting to renew my contract... if it is, what the hell... I have no intentions of worrying about that... I've been at that school for twelve years, and all of a sudden I'm being held under a microscope? I had health issues made worse by the harrassment for two years instead of support! Now this year, I thought things would be better.... but NO! So, what the hell... bring it on, I can take it! Just don't expect me to grovel, cause I won't!
The art work of my students is up and down the hall ways contesting to my ability as an art teacher! Every one who comes into our school is astonished at the work my students do. I know how to bring out the best in any artist... young or old! Last year my student art work was given as gifts to administrators. My principal still has some of their art work, which she doesn't seem too eager to talk about now that I think about it. Trust me, they would not be making the art work they're making without my concepts and direction! We had a district wide art show last year, and my student's work was the talk of the show! I know how to teach art to ANYONE who wants to learn from Abstract to Expressionism to Realism. And I can do them all! As well as Sculpture. I can crank out clay busts that LOOK LIKE the Sitter! Cause I have an innate ability, I have cultivated it. I have seen how I learn, and how those I help learn, and how those I do not help but work with learn! And I figured out how to teach that like a science! No paint by numbers... just one thing leading into another until students who came into art thinking they had no talent at all; become successful and proud of their work! I love what I do... and I do it well! And I damned well know it!
Alright enough of that. Today I happened to think on my way to work that I have always loved Red Delicious Apples. I'm from up north where Apples taste like apples! I bought a couple the other day. They had no flavor to speak up. I never ate such a bland apple in my life! I had to throw it away! I put it out for animals or birds, even that was sad. They deserve good fruit as well! Genetic engineering! They've ruined our food, air, water, and they're killing the Earth Mother! It is lunacy! And what now?
The Right Wing nutsos are killing our country and there seems no way to stop them in their ignorance. They follow snake oil salesmen like Rush Limbaugh, Sara Palin, and Glen Beck! They listen to their lies and don't even bother to find out the truth. And these people by in large call themselves good Christians. They are as fanatical as the Muslim extremests. I think I just spit up in my mouth a little bit...
9/13/10
Despite the tirade below, I reread my short story and found another couple of small revision needs. The baby still requires nursing. And I truly am falling in love with it.
9/13/10
Just about the time I think things are smoothing out at my job, some bullsh.... well, stuff I don't expect comes up. I was so excited about getting ready for Rodeo art.... now all of a sudden I'm getting the same BS that I got winter before last after a couple of weeks of hospitalization. I also had the flu and missed a week of school. Mind you, I was in a hospital under a doctor's care and a doctor's care for the flu; and my principal decided to make an issue of it. My son came up that time and taped the conversation we had with the Principal which went from our major concern has to be for the students. We have to have teachers who are on the job, not ill. Didn't matter that I was under a doctor's care. Last Spring it started again. No AC in my room half of the time. Too bad for me. I was not supposed to email or get sick. I'm a diabetic. The heat makes my blood sugar soar. At the end of the year, I learned that I was supposed to have an AC therostat (hope I spelled that right... what they hell). What I had was a box with two live wires hanging out of it. So all year, my AC would only stay on for 2 hours, then run out until I called for AC help... and recall, I was not supposed to email. By the end of the year, one of the VP's saw it and had them come and put it on stating that it was dangerous the way it was. I emailed when I was sick and I emailed if I had an issue of concern. I got very upset over the AC and had words with my principal. She was in the process of writing me up. This time I called the union. In any case, after that she and I made peace and she said we would just let it go. Oh, forgot, last year some student reported me for stern language. He was 3 days back from CEP... disciplinary school... bad.
Now today, I was called into the office and told that I was on some kind of disciplinary probation for a month; and would have to go through the PDAS instead of the MPDAS, which I had already decided on and did not turn in paper work saying that I want the same MPDAS (teacher reports). Now today there is a whole string of things that I was accused of and my rebuttals were ignored! And I was informed that a student said I said "shut up" and that I said, Yo Momma or Yo Mammy! I have never used those last two words in my life not to mention my 12 years for service at my school. Did I get a change to defend myself? NO!
This is getting way too much.... I'm a Visual Art teacher.... and my classes have been over 40 students in some classes. The one she was in had 44 students. And I have 34 tables/desks! BS... I'm feeling discriminated against. And I not happy. I'm the only white looking teacher in faculty of mostly Black teachers and a few hispanic teachers. The fact that I identify with my Am. Indian Culture does not seem to matter. I'm just a white looking face it appears.
Am I pissed off? Yeah, so all I can do is sound off here today. I'll do better another day. Right now, I have to decide what I need to do about my work situation.
9/12/10
Reread my short story and found one word that did not convey the meaning I wanted... actually a double use that disrupted the flow of the story. That's not bad. I'm still nursing my baby.
Why "When I am old, I shall wear camouflage?" There is a wonderful book, 'when I am old, I shall wear purple"... I don't remember the author, but I gave it to my mom... I said that by the time she finished reading it, I should be old enough to read it myself. Well, I didn't know how close I was to correct; she's still reading the book, and I gave it to her last winter. She says she doesn't read so much anymore, mostly the paper. And I notice there are a lot of newspapers by her recliner where she reads. *shrug* Go figure, she read books avidly as do I.
So, in any case, I decided to steal part of the title for my own. I discovered a couple of years ago that camouflage pants are especially comfortable. I picked up a pair at a thrift store as we were "in the trenches for education" or maybe, "fighting for education"... some such thing at my school. We were supposed to wear camouflage, so I stopped by at a thrift store and as luck had it; I found a pair that same day. I was not about to go buy expensive camouflage gear to wear one day a week to school! Well, I put them on for school, and discovered I didn't want to take them off. Of course, I could only wear them one day a week at school. So I started wearing them on the weekends and evenings. Pure comfort. Someone had worn them to a soft faded fabric, they were perfect.
I didn't give much thought to the camouflage theme until I got to looking in my closet; and found I had bought a pair of camouflage gators... no, crocks... those plastic shoes that are so comfortable and great for those rainy days. War or fighting or even hunting; which by the way I am not against, had nothing to do with my new found delight. They were the look of nature right there on my feet. Then I noticed in previous years I had bought camouflage tee shirts. Both crocks and tees have that pattern of tree bark, limbs and leaves in lovely shades of moss green and browns. Then I realized that I had an old skirt that I could not wear any longer, and it was camouflage. As well, I had and have a pair of camouflage cropped legged pants, which I still wear though they are becoming well worn. So my penchant for camouflage was not new with our school theme. I'm a teacher, by the way.
One day my sister was visiting at my mother's; and I put on all my camouflage from head to foot. It just struck me as funny to think that only five or ten years ago, I would not have dreamed of leaving my house in such a get up! LOL It made me laugh. I said to my family when I got there that I really believed that no one saw me walk down there. Okay, *shrug* a bit of a blank look from most; cause I think they were surprised that I would walk out of my house looking like that as well. I didn't care, I love it. As I recall, my sister in law was the one who laughed with me.
The point to me is that it is comfortable. I feel like I am closer to nature in that garb. And it feels like me. I'm a Native American, I prefer American Indian. And I'm of Celtic descent through my Scots, Irish, and Welsh ancestry. (I'm also Dutch... hmmm... maybe that explains my artistic talent? So many wonderful Dutch Artists throughout art history.) In any case, I believe that a cross between the American Indian and Celtic Druid ideas explains my spirituality. I have completely rejected Christianity as a religion for me. I don't care if anyone else does or not. To me, we are all worshipping the same Diety anyway. The Jesus story is too much like a fairy tale to me. In any case, I'm getting off point. Right then and there with those camouflage pants I decided that when I retired, I would wear camouflage! In the mean time, I wear it when I want to. But when I am retired, I shall buy whole suits of it... maybe I will even go to the thrift stores and see if I can find where someone has given them away like the one pair I have. Meaning they will be soft and well worn; and therefore, comfortable as an old shoe.
You see, I'm a bit of an eccentric, I do believe. And I fear I will grow worse as I grow older. I'm also becoming very reclusive; and I am content to spend days on end alone. Often I only go out for work or groceries or to see after my mother; and that only because I must. I go to see my children and grandchildren when I can. I will never stop going to see them, if they will have me... ;) in camouflage.
I'm a teacher and my job is very stressful due in part to other health issues that I deal with; so part of the staying at home may be that... and part may be as I described above. How do we know these patterns that start out so small will spiral not into things that are much greater a scheme of things than ever we dreamed. (wow.... that was a weird run on complex sentence... and I'm not even going to try to correct it!) LOL Life is a mystery and only in hindsight can we really see it as it is... or was. At the time, we just stumble along doing the best we can with what we have to work with. We have these blinders on that allow for only that one decision due to so many different circumstances, then one day we look back... and it's all so different and yet all so clear that we were walking our way along that path toward some goal long before we became aware.
I'm becoming more spiritual as I age, and I think that is part of the reclusive part of my nature. Nature, interesting choice of words since I am very close to nature and growing more so all the time. That is my spirituality, my connection to the Creator through Nature. I look back and can see this coming most of my life gradually progressing even when I was little aware just as it was with the camouflage. When did I notice that I was being drawn to that clothing? Not until I had several garments; but I had collected those garments over a period of probably over ten years. So it is with my spirituality. I have collected... well, powers for want of a better word for most of my life; and I was not really aware of it until the last three or four years. Now suddenly I am totally aware of the things that I can do with and through Nature. The things that I can ask for are most often given if possible; and sometimes when it hardly seems possible. These things I may recount at another time as the Spirit moves me. I'm complicated and far from normal.
And when I grow old I shall wear camouflage; not to hide myself, but to be myself.
Okay, this is me... LOL
9/11/10
I started a new blog... so I thought I might as well do this kind of commentary thing until I get my book ready or feel like tackling it again. This stuff is just right off the top of my head... LOL I'm great at that! check out the blog if you want to read more of my drivel... you will notice the tab above leads you to it... I tell for you Blog!
9/10/10
Once again I came here simply to read my little story again. Make sure I still liked it. Of course, I found glaring errors! LOL It's much harder to write a short story than a long one. I have spent about as much time on this as I have on whole chapters of my book. For some reason, it seems important. I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps because I read so many short stories for one of my core curriculum classes at UH. I think short stories are in many ways more difficult, and the ones I like the best are the ones that have obscure meanings. I love to wrangle out the symbolism. So I guess this has been a challange for me. And it did just come to me in the middle of the night. I did not plan or even think about writing a short story! LOL Now I have started, I feel I simply must get it right. Right? Well, right for me, I'm not sure what else right could be.
Hey, wait a minute; stories that come into your mind in the night are perhaps merely another form of dreaming so that all the symbolism in this story is about me! Wow, revelation... I'll have to read it again with that in mind. I know all my art work is about me... LOL vain, egotistical artists! Yes, I believe it is egotistical as well as vain! There is something about an artist and our work that no matter how reclusive we are screams..."look at me... look at me!" Okay, I'll read it another day. I don't want to "look at me" right now! LOL
September 3, 2010
I think I have it revised to suit myself. Although when I read it tomorrow, I may find some other small detail that doesn't suit me. It's like nursing a baby... LOL you want to do it right! How the hell do I know? I never nursed a baby! LOL But I know others who did.
September 1, 2010
I keep rewriting and changing the story below, then I wonder if I have made it better or was the original as it just came out of my mind the best of the two. *shrug* One cannot say. It's like raising a child, you cannot know how it will turn out. You can only love your dear children just as they are, and hope for the best. You accept them as they are, and hope they will do the same for you.
August 31, 2010Watched the 11th episode of True Blood. It was good and unexpected. I like that Jessica and Hoyt got back together. That was great! I don't like that Eric appears to have died, but somehow I think his plan included saving his life. Tara back with Sam, that was good... Sam knows how to do a love scene. Alex really really does! LOL Curious to see where Jason and Crystal will go. Lot to deal with sounds like... Hotshot and all. Poor Tommy, it's so obvious that he can't read or write. Probably never had a chance to go to school. Sam will hate himself when he realizes the truth. Tommy's been raised as poorly as Crystal. It will take a lot of love and understanding to put them to rights. What the hell was that about Renee coming back! That is creepy. As well the stuff Laffy is having to go through. I hate to see it end! *sigh*
August 28, 2010 (September? How did I lose a whole month! LOL I've corrected them.)Okay... hey, I never realized how much I use that little word when writing thoughts... I rarely use it verbably. Weird.
Okay... LOL I made some minor corrections, but I still like the bit of writing below. I don't know what to call it! I'm not a poet by a long shot! I guess it's a little story. In any case, I still like it.
August 22, 2010
Okay, I woke up from a deep sleep with these lines moving around in my head. It was like typing something I heard instead of thought up. I thought I would share it with whomever might come here to read. It's rough, but I reread it just now... and I kinda like it. I hope you will as well.
A Cold Winter’s Day
There’s something almost sinister about bare brown trees in winter, their limbs rattling in the cold clacking like a flock of blackbirds. Tree trunks blocking ones vision on either side of the road until suddenly they abruptly end and open into empty fields.
A mud rutted lane frozen solid leads up to and past an antique mansion from an era long gone. The large three story building sprouts solidly like a huge brick cube growing out of the frozen earth. A thin grey smoke stream winds its way up from a lonely chimney into the sky and disappears on the wind.
As one draws nearer to that brick facade, she appears to squat there like an ancient dowager wearing a narrowly slanted slate roof like a flat felt hat such as old women are often want to wear. Though it would be much too cold for such a head covering this day when no one should be out and about, but cozened up to a nice warm fire.
Watching closely so as not to trip on the frozen ruts in the road, I look up and see something move. Something I had not noticed before. As I draw nearer I see a woman standing off to the side of the old stone relic so out of place in this empty barren landscape.
She draws her shawl more tightly around her shoulders as though that would keep out the cold or hold back the wind from whipping her scarf and skirt. Long strands of black hair battle wind and scarf as though seeking freedom from both. In the distance one hears a frozen tree branch groan, then crack with the sound of a whip.
No relic from another time, the woman is; however, past middle age. By the way she moves it is clear she is no stranger to hard work. She rubs her hands together to keep the circulation moving and perhaps to be sure she can still feel them. Her lips are blue from the cold and numb. She purses them together trying to warm them. Cupping her hands, she draws them up to her mouth; then breathes into them to fight away the cold.
Her eyes trail over the barren garden, the few plants left bent and frozen brown to the earth. With a deep sigh, a sound that carries over a distance on the crisp winter air like a moan; she exhales a puff of steam as her breath freezes on the air.
No cloud mares the surface of the sky only the unrelenting frozen sun. She makes a little shelf of one hand to hold over her eyes and block out some of the glare of that cold blue sun of a hard winter's day. She looks as though she might be trying to soak up some of the warmth she knows is behind that white looking ball hidden in a haze of smoky blue. Or might she be trying to guess how long it will take for the sun to burn up the cold winter sky, and bring back the warmth of spring.
She stares until she can no longer bear the light. Or, is it the cold? I wonder how long she's been there beside her solid brick house with the barren winter all around her. She turns to move back along the stone path to the house. As she turns a blank spot will follow her vision where the sun had been there before. For several steps it will block her vision, then it will disappear as her eyes grow accustomed to the shadow cast by her own body. She moves a little faster hunching over as she walks away from the sun. Her leather shoes make little patting sounds on the stone path; and her skirts whip around her legs popping like wet sheets on a clothes line.
Shivering in the cold she climbs the short stair steps leading up to a small stoop. She opens first the outer door, which she braces open with her back as she opens the inner door. She turns to close that door carefully, and I presume to lock it tightly shut. I see her shadow as she pauses there. Then she closes the heavier inner door in the same precise manner.I walk by her house, and I wonder if she was even the least aware that I was there on a cold winter's day.
Tricia Pryce
August 22, 2010 p.m.
Last revision Sept. 10, 2010
August 22, 2010 a.m. Started rewriting and proof reading my book this morning. As I get pages ready in their final draft form, I shall republish them here. This means that I have been imagining this story most of this year. And have formally been presenting it since May 10, 2010 (the birthday of my daughter who died in an Auto Accident just before her 19th birthday.) Hope you will come read this new version. I think you might be surprised...
Still working on the Book... look for it to start returning soon... right now I'm getting ready for students... a teacher's work is never done. I miss them, I'll be glad to see them back on Monday!
August 21, 2010 p.m. I do not get tired of watching Eric Northman on True Blood. The Vamp is to die for.... *baring throat* well, haven't heard from him yet... so I suspect there are no shortage of bared throats wherever he is! Besides... I have grandbabies... doesn't make me one of the most appealing bared throats he could think of... LOL well, thank God, I'm happy to just follow his career... and drool, of course!
I loved GenKill, this woman who would have to be tied kicking and screaming to watch one... a war movie! I've looked at all of his old stuff! The man's unbeatable! *throwing a kiss in the air in his general direction... looking around* I'm probably the only Indian in the world with no real sense of direction! LOL
An other aside: Jessica is beautiful.... no gettin' round it! Eric is beautiful... I believe that if Alan Ball has any sense at all, he should find a way to get them together! LOL Sookie... Bill... boring! (8/30/10.. okay, Jessica is back with Hoyt and that is just great! Last night was amazing... I wonder how they are managing to keep Eric alive! Two weeks for the finale... wah wah wah... LOL)
Eric for me and many I know is the main attraction... I think Jessica is fast becoming the most popular female character on the show! Put them together... you got dynamite!
I think it would do Alex good to get next to her in real life... or someone like her... Kate just keeps the paparazzi on their tails... and that's my honest opinion! She likes it!
Look closely at most of the hunt downs... Alex doesn't really act like he's with her most of the time. Kinda looks like she's more keeping it together between them than he... Alex is ahead trying to get away from them and sometimes it looks like her as well... Kate is somewhere behind or near him looking on like she's enjoying his discomfort. It keeps her in the limelight! She likes that!
That's body language, children! LOL
August 20, 2010
That having been said, I would like to make a suggestion to TB writers at this juncture. You can use it with impunity! Sookie is too stupid to breath! She's all drama... she loves it! She's like, "I thought it could work, but I can see it can't, good bye"... then, Bill is all tears, tears, "I'm no good for you"... then, I'm sorry! I love you." And Sook's all tears, tears, "I love you too!" Stupid wild sex scene that we are all bored with at this point in time. Gezuzz, give um to each other! They deserve it! Hell, let Alcide have a go at her!
My suggestion, give Jessica to Eric! Let him help her get rid of her virginity once and for all! He's old as dirt, he knows all kinds of things those young Vamps don't! I know he can do it with enough practice, and it would serve Bill right AND Sookie! And it would be a story line I WOULD enjoy. *Discret suggestion behind the hand* I suspect he could heal her while he was inside.. ya know... kinda strong like... jamba juice! Or something like that... feel free to use your imaginations! LOL (Nevermind! LOL)
I expect to start getting paid for these tips!
August 18, 2010 P.M.
... okay, stop cryin' around... will serve no purpose... let it go... I'm sure going to try.
August 18, 2010 A.M... woke up recalling Eric saying that "Russell inserts himself into society" at any given time... damn it... that was directly from my book! It hurts... I am stunned that someone as big as this series and HBO would do such a thing... and I'm also stunned that if they have read my stuff and my channel, then they know what a big fan I am AND that I would notice!
I'm just a widow out here in the middle of no where trying to make a living... I have extraordinary talents and no way or no how to market them... either my artwork or my imagination.... I feel deflated this morning...
I know some very few of you have been coming here to read what I have written, so you know that what I say is true. Now I go back to school today as a matter of fact... and I will have little time to work on this as the life of a teacher gets hectic.
This past week, I have been sick all week. On top of that my air conditioner pan overflowed and I fixed that on my own. Within two days, I got a leak in the attic. I had to pay to get that water line fixed. Money is an issue for me.. a very real one. Then my waterheater broke and water was running out of it all over the garage floor. I'll have to get a new one this weekend. I was too sick when it broke and have only felt like a human being the last couple of days. Sunday the water line that leads to the commode started leaking, I woke up to water all over the bathroom floor. I turned it off at the tank and stopped the leak, but now I have only one bathroom. All this on top of being sick, mind you!
And now I find that my little struggles to write a book are being stolen by someone as huge as HBO/True Blood! Maybe my little turn of phrases mean nothing to them... but it does to me.
Damn it, I used to know a reader from a publishing house, but that was so long ago I can't even remember her name. I'm awful about letting people walk out of my life without a word. That's very Indian. It's in our nature not to say Good bye... but rather to say something in the order of "see you"... we don't let go of people... we just drift away. If it is the will of Creator, we will come back to that person. Then, it's just like we never left.
I wasn't raised Indian. In fact, I didn't know much about it until the old ones in the family started reaching the age to cross over to the other side. Then I started searching for it. I have been on a religious quest all of my life. I found it in my heritage. And I found as well that I had been spoon fed all of my life so many of the attitudes of Indian Culture by parents who were not even much aware that they were Indian! People who pass for White do not leave a heavy trail. And sometimes when one is old, they are so used to keeping a secret that they can no longer remember the details... only to swipe the knowledge with a broad brush.
Okay, I'm way off track and it is time to get ready to go to work. I go back with a heavy heart this morning.
August 17, 2010
rewatched the last episode about 4 times now.... and Hadley said, "they just don't think like other people".... LOL oh, crap... it's just the little things... but when I try to do something with MY book, someone will say... "she got that from TrueBlood"... *hssss* LOL *slap Allen Ball upside the head with a little thunder bolt... Boom... give Alex and Stephen a whack as well* (little Hadley was just playing her part... she's an innocent victim just like me!) LOL
I guess I'm going to have to get my ass in gear and get my book back up on my site so people who have read it and those who do will see that those were MY ideas first! Damn it! LOL Thank God I have a sense of humor... and it was only little things... not major.... so is life!
August 17, 2010Oh, hell, no... I base my vampire movements and attitudes on that of a Black Panther... now I read that Alex based Eric on a Lion? I just saw Bill heal Sookie's bite wounds... my Vamp does that... I never saw that on TB before... am I losing my Mind? Or does a writer for TB care enough to read my channel... and my rough draft book? *hands in the air* And I was worried about someone wantin' to steal my damned book idea? LOL Well, that's what one gets for being naive! Doesn't matter if you're a Mom and a Grammie... or what! You can still be too damned naive to breath! Instead of stealin' my stuff... why don't they just invite me to help write for them! Damn it, give me strength! *inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale* I've got a lot more ideas than that... btw...
I think I'm going to call down the ThunderBeings on this damned crap... and don't think I can't.... cause I can! I just don't like to! My connection is for spiritual matters... or damn it, I would! Forgive me ThunderBeings... I have my eyes on the Red and Purple Sunset... sometimes, it's easy to forget when you pour so much of yourself into something you love! I trust that You guide my Way... and I know that it is always for my highest good. Aho mitakawe oyacin... all are my relatives. (imitation is the highest form of praise no matter its source)
Cause and Caution: Prelude to a Bite: (empty at present)
8/15/10: As I said, I started writing this story back in Feb., 2010... well, formally, this particular version was an idea rumbling around in my head for about a year. (I assure you there are many other versions... I have a vivid imagination. LOL) I've been making up stories for myself all of my life. This happens to be one of them. I toyed with putting it down on paper or on Word... but when you're a teacher, time is limited for extra curricular activities! lol *teacher talk*
But, I'm dead serious about this project now and I shall let nothing stand in my way... well, I might have to let my job stand in my way, but other than that... wait, I would let my grandchildren stand in my way anytime... my kids? They're grown... unless it is an emergency... or... they just need me. Wait, Mom, I have mom to worry about.... well, not worry... but help take care of her.
So, *deep breath*... so, except for those afore mentioned things, I shall let NOTHING stand in my way of finishing this book that I have already invested most of my summer working on... well, when I was not seeing to the above mentioned people....
oh, my... living your life is hard sometimes... thanks be to Creator, I'm a widow and live alone... so I have some... oh, hell... if you've come this far, you know I don't have a lot of time! But I WANT to do this BOOK, it feels vital to my self worth! I want to be an author... and I think I have an individual voice in this genre...
but then... how do I get it published? That's my dream... to be published... to see my book in a book store on the fantasy shelf... boldly standing out... with my name on the damned thing... LOL it's a good dream!
Aug. 7, 2010: Okay, I was copying a section that hadn't been revised at all. In fact, I typed it on the spot right here on weebly, so it was rough. Sometimes hands that type on autopilot make the most stupid mistakes! LOL
I do apologize to anyone who read that drivel... for that is what it was... I'm still working on final revisions and rewritings. I guess this should be on the blog? Hmmm... I have surely gotten things screwed up here. *shrug* What can I say... I new to this! LOL
Aug. 5, 2010: This book was officially a serious indeavor since May 10, 2010; though I had been recording it since Feb., 2010, I only started typing from my rough drafts on that date.
May 10th is the birthday of my oldest daughter who died in an auto accident. This book will be dedicated to her, my beautiful darling baby girl, and my two beautiful remaining children who kept me in the world after her death.
This is the beginning.... Cause and Caution in progress.... empty for now.... rewriting and revising... same format... just better researched and worded. I said I wouldn't, but found some glaring errors that I knew were not historically accurate. I have made so many rewritings that the one that was up was far from what it has become.
Since this is not just a story for me.... I figured I better do a bit of research. And so I have, though nothing major. I still firmly believe that the story itself is more important than any historical detail. I'm writing a piece of fiction, not a historical treatise.
I hope you will enjoy the new version. I have enjoyed imagining it, and that is the important thing. If I only wrote for you... I would be sorely disappointed, if you didn't enjoy the story as much as I. There's a blog attached, nothing fancy... just hurried up and it put on the way I did with the story... now I'm finding that was rather naive... LOL
But, check back, if you like the drift of what you have read thus far. :)
*I suggest you
read from the top of the page down, and the pages from last to first.
*A crone can be any age toward
middle age recalling that in the days of the Ancient Druids, the average life
span was only to about 45; therefore, she is merely a mature woman with wisdom
and the powers of nature. Just thought I would clarify in case someone was
visualizing me as a bent and wrinkled old woman with next to no hair and a very
big cane. LOL )
* Red is for correction
with proof reading. Violet
is my Guide Waban. Black
is just me... well, sometimes with the intuition of
my Spirit Guide, Waban. In fact, I think most of the time. Sometimes I wonder where
I am getting this information. I believe it, but most I have never tried to
verbalize. So I think I get a lot more help than not. Thank you, Waban.
*Oh, Waban refers to me as Peachbird. It's an Indian named given to me
long ago. It comes from the Chippewa Nation in Michigan. The Peachbird is the
large Barn Owl. Waban says it is a name I have used in many
incarnations.
12/6/10 some revision below...
9/26/10
Did some proof reading and revision and even added a bit here and there to this Page I. I shall continue on Page II. Weebly does not seem to want to perform up to par on this page, so I must think I have enough words on this page. Find pg. II under 'more'... if you're interested in the ramblings of an Indian Woman and Crone. ;)
(crone... a wise woman 50 or older)
9/25/10
Still proof reading... I keep getting interrupted by this or that... right now it's "Dexter"...
This evening, I’m thinking about alternative realities and the gestalt theory. It is the only thing to me that explains this existence in a way that makes sense to me. I may have mentioned this before, but it deserves reiteration.
My life was such turmoil after the death of my Husband and Daughter. I think back to my life after those deaths and I see a woman floundering and lost. My life was in total disruption, and I was so codependent that I felt I had to have a man to lean on even if he was doing the leaning. I had several tumultuous relationships that I will not expound upon. Maybe a later time I will go into these things as they fit into my life’s progression, but I can see the correlations with this theory. I was thinking about gestalt theory and alternative realities when I started here, so I shall continue.
I’m a firm believer that there are definitely a lot fewer of us here than we think. I think we have “over souls/soul groups” for lack of a better word, and we as individual souls are like cogs in a wheel that spiral off from that greater ‘being/self’ of which we are a part. I am definitely a proponate of the theory of reincarnation, but as it fits into this alternative reality/gestalt theory. I believe that “all time is now.” This is all we have. If that theory is correct then we are not only living in this reality here and now through different aspects of our soul group, but we are also living through different time realities so that we are experiencing say a life in Ancient Egypt at the same time we are experiencing this life time in the 21st. century. As well, we are experiencing different realities of each of those life times. To me it is only logic that if all time is now, we are not moving along in a linear fashion.
All of this to me is just “Earth School.” We come here to test our soul growth and to learn new lessons on how to be in the world in a right way so that when we return to our soul group we have all grown from the experience. Pretty heady stuff, but it makes perfect sense to me.
It explains so many things. Why is it that two siblings talking about their past experiences together find that they have not only two different variations of the same story, but totally different experiences as well? This often brings on many misunderstandings for it is as though one is invalidating the other, when in reality they truly did have 'different' realities. Their souls interrelate like cogs in a wheel just as the aspects of their own soul is moving around like those same cogs in it's own wheel. If in one time, your conscious mind is focused into one aspect of your own soul experience and that cog moves into the wheel of another soul group; then you have one aspect of a life experience. But, however, if that is the case and then those same wheels keep turning, you will quite logically mesh into other soul groups in other spirals of realities. And different aspects of your own soul will drop like cogs in a wheel into different time realities. We are here to grow on all levels, so we are each in our own little wheel with our soul group cogs all around. Those cogs are what moves in and out of realities. We are constantly pushing growth experiences back to the source to that being, our higher self or over soul for lack of a better word. And those greater aspects of our soul groups are in turn feeding our data to a higher source. So the spiral grows, circles that spiral into other circles.
Unfortunately, for some this reality theory relegates religion as most conceive it to be as a nonfactor. How can the myth of one religion meld into this gestalt theory? It makes religion a mute point to me.
The more I studied religion, the more disillusioned I became. They are all basically preaching the same doctrine since the beginning of what we call civilization in the world as we know it. The names change, the myth basically is true to the original concept so that one is overwhelmed as to why anyone can claim that their religion is the RIGHT one. They are myth and stories for those who cannot conceive beyond them.
I do not degrade religion per se. One needs a spiritual core or life holds no meaning. That is my belief system. But at sometime the soul group will look beyond the myth to the reality, and then it often out-grows other aspects of the soul group with which it is ‘enmeshed’ for lack of a better word. I think that those in the same soul group often have to drag the other aspects of their own soul through this spiral of spiritual growth ‘kicking and screaming’ as the saying goes! :) I think that explains why the individual will appear to lose faith, to flounder along the way; and then in another phase seems to progress rapidly into another spiritual growth period perhaps in a totally different direction than the previously held concept. “As the wheel turns…” *lol* Anyway, I think my theory is an original concept that I have garnered through many, many years of exploration and study, mostly on my own. Over time I took of these concepts, those that made sense to me, and translated them into my own belief system.
My spirituality is completely compatible with the Gestalt/Alternative Reality theory above, and it is grounded in my Indian traditional spiritual beliefs in my present reality. I think it must be influenced as well by four other soul experiences of which I am currently experiencing, one being a lifetime in Ancient Egypt, another in the time of the Druids, an experience in Moo/Atlantis (not a myth, but a reality), and still another in the Indigenous People of this land before the onset of the Whiteman and Africa before slavery as well. Well, actually five then. I think my indigenous roots guide me along my personal spiritual reality as well as my soul spiral at this place in time... so to speak since all time is now. LOL As well I am quite confident that my soul group is experiencing many aspects of each of those 5 lifetimes... So that my consciousness may be focused in many different directions at the same time. I believe that in the dream state we touch into these other realities on a regular basis; and no doubt in the waking experience as well. And there is the thorny knot... LOL but I do believe that is why we will not get there alone, but all at once; because that is the only way it can happen. All time is now. Be here now... now be here...here be now.... something like that... or you are here. Some times it appears to me that we are all dragging each other kicking and screaming through our reality. Maybe Creator will have the answers once we are all through feeding back into that One Source. Then what? Be here now. ;) Good night, children. 12/6/10{As an aside; why would Moo/Atlantis be any less a reality than the myth of religion in general? Since the beginning of recorded time we have been hearing and reading basically the same story of Atlantis (Moo is lesser known, so I refer to Atlantis); like it or not, that’s a fact not a fantasy.}
All life is a circle. If you start a circle it comes back to you. This is a saying of my People. I believe that, but in the concept that life is a Spiral and your Spiral may wind back and forth touching itself again and again in a circular pattern… for all time is now.
And now is all we have.
(I hope I have not offended anyone in their own spirituality. All Ways lead to the same source, and that source is the Creator of All. Hold tight to your faith until something else might speak to your heart. And then do not be afraid to explore that something else for it may be the Way that sets you free. Jesus said, “You shall know the truth and the truth shall set your free. And as well, "your temple is in your heart.” I have a lot of respect for the actually words of Jesus, not those who try to interpret them into whole clothe, however.)
9/24/10
Here I am on a good Friday night with a low grade tooth ache. I lost a crown yesterday. This morning I lost more of the crown… or the inside of the tooth! I don’t know, but I was really afraid it was going to start hurting like hell. I stayed home to get it checked out. I’m on pain killers, if it gets too bad and antibiotics. My dentist is out of state, so I have an appointment for Wednesday. So it goes.
Yesterday at my f…in’ school… pardon my language... it’s not the f…in’ school, it’s the f…in’ administration. Wow… that was a lot of f…in’ talk for me… even in abbreviation! I’m a firm believer in the idea that profanity is merely a lack of good vocabulary and verbal expression! But that is just how angry I was and am with my Principal!
The problem is partly my fault as I am too stubborn to change my course of action for someone else. I was in the middle of something with the kids in the one class that a surprise observation person from outside our district walked into my room. What I was in the middle of was… well, I call it the honey moon phase. The kids in that class have had to deal with standing room only where we get nothing accomplished, but discipline. That class had 44 to 46 students at any one given time for weeks. Finally the end of the last week my classes were narrowed down to workable sizes… no doubt in anticipation of the visits.
Oh, before I forget again, I have had adult “students” for lack of a better word in my classes… no doubt ever since we got this new principal or before. I was too stressed out to think about it. And now I look back they are a major part of the discipline problem in my classes for years. They just keep things going. Now I am calling them on it. I tell them right up front I know who they are and I want them out. I want them to do their jobs, but they better not keep me from doing mine in the process. And they have, and I have paid the price. Damn…. That really pisses me off. I’m going to have to give that some serious thought!
In any case, I was sitting at my desk with a fan on me. My room is hot in the morning when I arrive. I turn on the AC and it takes about two hours for the damned room to cool off, it’s about 3 times the size of a normal classroom with one AC! That’s what the little rooms have. That AC would not cool less than 82 degrees, because that is where it was set. I'm lucky if I get 83 or 84 degrees on the theromstat. And that was hot… as the day went on; it got warmer outside and the room warmer. Hell, it’s hot! The kids are complaining and sleepy, and my blood sugar is soaring. I’m using about twice as much insulin since going back to work than I was all summer!
Well, what happened was this; I was sitting at my desk when this woman came in to observe. I should have gotten up and done all the stuff I usually do, BUT I was doing something that was more important to me. I call it the honeymoon phase. After the hectic undisciplined whole bunch of kids, these students were unused to doing the in class assignment as given. I told them to go over their notes and add the color where needed (we’re working on the element of Art, color… color schemas to be specific) and when they felt they were through studying to work on their thumbnail sketches in anticipation of a Portrait Project. BTW, this should have been done in the first couple of weeks, but when you have a classroom revolving door of students; you simply don’t get anything done… I think understandably. Okay, I’m getting off my train of thought. Here goes again.
I was letting them go about their merry way. I could see them more or less just sitting there doing nothing. Some even had their heads down. Now this observer was seeing that they were not engaged in learning. She was right. But there is always method to all my madness. I know the kids at my school. Once they finished reviewing as I said (we had done so as a class before she came in, btw); I told them to work on their thumbnail drawings for a very big project coming up, and we would have a short quiz at the end of the period.
What they needed to learn that day was to take me seriously. I promised a quiz before class was over. They thought it was just like the days when there was standing room only (I have 34 desks) . As I said, I should have got up and done what she wanted to see, but I'm stubborn. And I’m no fresh out of college kiddo teacher, I know what I’m doing and why. My art education background goes from commercial art, to all the creative disciplines, to even a touch of art therapy that I picked up on my own as a combination of psychology classes and a lot of art therapy research on my own. As well, my master’s degree is in Art Education with an all level teacher certification. (I think, education wise, I said all this before now that I think of it. In any case, I'm over educated.) And you better believe that when I do art therapy exercises with my students, it’s a lot more than making little baskets! Just as I teach from a fine arts perspective rather than arts and crafts, my way of using art therapy is a science just like my art instruction! *LOL* If I do say so myself.
I did not budge, to do otherwise would have defeated my purpose. I kept right on doing what I was doing which was filing some artwork in an alphabetized portable file for ease in grading. I kept looking over my class and some were studying, some were not. The woman that observed said that no one seemed to understand what they were doing. Well, that was because despite the fact that I had told them repeatedly with demonstrations, they were assuming it was business as usual. I did tell her twice that the heat makes my blood sugar soar and I have to sit in front of the fan, which is the Gawd’s honest truth. Part of what was making the students sleepy was the same thing, it was hot. I’m not always really responsible for some of the things I say when my sugar has soared past 200… which it does almost daily at school no matter the insulin I take. And of course, I’m not going to endanger my life by taking too much either. It’s a fine line I have to walk. I'm a serious diabetic, I take at least 3 doses of insulin a day unless my blood sugar goes high then I take more. and I take a 24 hour insulin before bedtime.
After the woman left, I asked at the time I had planned if they were ready for their quiz. Everyone suddenly looked up in wonder, “what?” I could read their little minds. They were thinking just because she told us and she is sitting their filling like nothing is going on… we are not going to have a quiz. *LOL* I felt sorry for them…so I let them look at their notes. Thus… they fell a little in love with me there on the spot! I kept my word, BUT I had mercy! It works every time. Now the next time I say, we will have a quiz before the class is over, they will believe me! As I said, this should have been accomplished in the first couple of weeks easily. I had way too many students in every class, but that period was the worst… well, except for the period that I have 13 life skills students with two aids while I had over 35 regular ed. Now that was a MESS as well.
Actually, the next class period day, I did the same thing. We reviewed together. I stressed the importance of understanding the Elements so that we could move into important assignments. I reminded them of up coming projects. I told them that as soon as we get through this initial process we will begin our more serious work. I told them I prefer they learn by making art, not reading and writing about it though both processes are valid. I never talk down to them, but I do tell them to ask for meanings of words they do not know. In any case, they were perky. And then I amazed them again, once more I had mercy! I told them that the object was not to pass or fail, but to learn the information so that we could carry on. Then I put them in study groups of 3 or 4 students. Again, I was merciful! They must not really be getting this kind of thing in other classes, because they were floundering. I’ll have to work on that as well. So I made the assignment one of doing like a quiz, but then as I saw those who were finished correctly, I asked them to help others who were having trouble. Everyone was happy with this new process! I encourage students aiding other students… sometimes… I’m the teacher, however, and I take that job seriously. *LOL* The outcome? Bang…More affection for the Art Teacher! This is my mindset… they have to fall in love with me to give me their trust so that when I say the work is not finished until I say so or I put 3 maybe even 4 steps before a project with teacher/student conferences before moving into the final drafts; my students trust that I’m working a process with them and that they can succeed. I have to make them appreciate that I Care, otherwise, I would not bother.
Anyway, stubborn me, I would NOT change my course of action. It’s just nearly impossible to explain my process to either core curriculum teachers or even most art teachers. When I enter a contest the other teachers assume I’m doing work for my students, because they don’t get the results that I get! I hate that… but I know what is what. I’m an intuitive teacher. I follow what I know in my heart will work. And if I’m not going crazy over discipline… it works! With a normal size class, you can work the discipline, but when you have about twice as many students as you should have along with adult undercover types; it becomes a three ring circus… and you aren’t even the ring master! *LOL* You’re more like the referee! (They must be paying out the wahzoo for those 'undercover whatever they are folks' keeping me from getting my discipline going in a right way. And I've been paying the price for that sh... This is driving me to profanity!)
In any case, my philosophy is to get their trust so that I can help them develop their own style of work and improve on it. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing a student who came to you feeling like they could not draw a stick figure suddenly become proud of his or her style of making art. And to see them blossom into what I feel is the roots of becoming a real artist. Whether or not they want to be a real artist is not important. What is important is that you have taken some, I hate to use the term, but some ghetto kid and taught her/him to believe in him/herself and trust her/his own creative and learning process! That’s the satisfaction, the reward for a teacher, this teacher.
There is really a thrill when one of those students accepts help from an art type visitor in the room after having said something to the effect that “this is my style.” Then gracefully allows that person to work on their art work, and afterwards erasing said effort. I never touch a student’s artwork without asking permission first, then I only make the smallest alterations to show the way. If I can demonstrate on another piece of paper, I do. They have to own their art work. If I won’t allow other students to help them, then I surely cannot. I always tell them that they are developing their own style, and having help is defeating that purpose. *LOL* I love what I do! I also tell them that I am the only other person who can do anything on their artwork, and that must be the least amount possible. If I can get those bozo adults out of my classes, something can happen besides discipline.
Of course, I think it helps that I start my day everyday asking to be Creator’s Teacher, to “make me an instrument of thy will.” Of course, I pray, but I mostly listening. I think prayer is talking to the Creator, listening is giving Spirit a chance to talk and to answer. I’m positive what Creator has to say is more important than my praying. So I try to listen a lot. Besides all that I talk to Thunder Beings… that is surely more listening than talking, I assure you. Thunder is His/Her voice, lightening is Her/His tongue. I love a good Thunder storm! I sleep like a baby. I know that I am in the arms of that Thunder Spirit, and no harm can come to me.
It’s nearly impossible for me to talk about this spiritual thing I experience. Creator is too mysterious to name a He or She… or Her or Him. And yet, one cannot refer to the Great Mystery as IT! That’s just all there is to it. And the Thunder Beings… well, that is truly impossible to explain without coming off fantastically strange to most people. And well, its way too personal to go into very much as well. Suffice to say that I have been given that power… and I am amazed and grateful at the same time. I know I’ve been blessed. And I give thanks for that all through my day wherever I am. When the rain stops, and I have asked; it’s humbling. Let me tell you. It’s truly humbling.
OkayOkay, I’m getting off point… that’s really easy for me as my mind goes a mile a minute in many different directions almost simultaneously. Fortunately, I type about as fast as I talk… but thinking can get ahead of the game! LOL
AlrightAlright… anyway, that observer came to counsel with me… and of course, to criticize everything I did. I was furious, because I am one of those powerful women that when I feel like I’m being kicked into a corner comes out fighting… hackles raised, claws and teeth bared! Did I mention I walk with the Wolf clan? *LOL* It’s the god’s honest truth; my quick tongue can get me in trouble. Maybe that's from my connection with the Thunder Beings… hmmm… I never thought of that before. One thing… forgive me, Spirit, I know I’m much more intelligent than either of those women and almost everyone else I meet! *LOL* "thy name is vanity, woman"... something like that.
I'm Indian...I think our minds work differently. I heard an Elder say one time that all Indians are natural born leaders, its part of our DNA. I believe that. In the Indian Nation, a person is only a leader if others follow. And I’m that way. I don’t mind following. I’m not seeking the other kind of power. But if the leader falters, I can take over and lead. Or get so disgusted that I walk away. Now that’s Indian! *LOL*
We were discussing my problem with the heat and my blood sugar. As I explained, my principal said she didn’t know about that problem! I was appalled. It caught me so much off guard that all I did was look at her and snarl, “yes, you did.” Where upon she said she didn’t. I said, “you did” with supreme disgust. I just ignored her after that. What a stupid b…, never mind! The Union was out to the school last spring for that very reason. Does she honestly think that they don’t have a record of that? My respect for her in that moment fell right down on the floor! She sounded like one of the students… for Gawd’s sake! I truly do not know how she can face me after that shocking display of her lack of ethics.
Some kid last year with a problem filled out a report than I told him to shut up. The little brat was just back 3 days from CEP… where they send kids who are so much of a discipline problem that they can’t stay in the regular ed. school. This year some little girl said that I said, “Yo, Momma… or yo, mammy” talking to the kids. She wanted to change her schedule! BUT, what burns, is that I was told, not given a chance to defend myself. Oh, this is getting too sickening to type about anymore. In any case, she is still in my class! And that I DO appreciate. No child should be able to change schedule by hook or crook!
For some reason, all I can think at this moment is that song, Rhiannon, from Fleetwood Mac that keeps playing in my head for months now. I haven’t thought too much about it. I’ve always loved that song along with the rest of their music. Now suddenly it takes a different meaning. If the Thunder Beings want to take my life, then I have told them I am ready. I guess I’m ready “to be taken by the wind” and to be used as I am willed. Hmmm… heavy stuff. I’m going to have to give this some thought.
Enough about me…. ;) This was a pretty long rant, wasn’t it! LOL
9/21/10
Too much work... have to get off to bed! Tomorrow will be another busy day, but not as bad as the last two plus today... report/progress cards... my classes have been a revolving door. I've had up to 46 kids in one room with desks for only 34. 34, in and of itself is too much for an art room! It's just totally impossible to manage, much less get any art work done... so there it is. Good night... ;) more later on these teacher rants! LOL 9/20/10
No time tonight... grading... LOL teachers work is never done....9/19/10
Sorry, I've got a little rant here to share... I just can't contain myself. Someone I know just got royally screwed by their insurance company after a big accident with lots of medical stuff and a totaled vehicle.
I recall going to the doctor for almost two years for two accidents that were NOT my fault...and all I got was about $4000 for my pain and suffering, taking off work, pay lost, driving to and from... the insurance companies are the only ones who make out with insurance! I was hoping we were going to get some reforms from this administration... but the extreme right led by Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck and their ilk is running on reversing everything that's done... and putting us beyond back in the Bush years.... the people are going for it by the sounds of some of them! Repeal all the reforms... kick yourself in the Butt, We, the People... some of us are stark raving mad... the rest of us are being driven there by the former... they can't seem to see the forest for the trees! Things are just barely starting to reform... we even have some medical insurance reforms now that keep us from getting screwed at least some of the time... but no, those are taking away our constitutional right to be kicked in the ass as many times as we can stand it! Oh, never mind... I should never have let this cross my mind!
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Well, I see below that I wrote a whole treatise on being Indian in a White Man’s world… and Wannabees… I truly do not recall typing those thoughts. They are mine to be sure. But I was stunned to see them here. Seriously! What can I say? It sounds ridiculous, but so it is. *lol*
I think I just might be a bit of a philosopher, if I do say so myself. Some professors at University thought so as well. But never mind that. I give thought to many things. And it's as though my subconscious mind just takes over at times… which is alright, of course. If I did not recognize it as my own, then that would be a problem! I know it is very easy for me to go into an altered state of consciousness since I have worked with meditation and regression hypnosis for a very, very long time.
It is my spirituality to be able to move between realities. I'm an Indian woman who talks with Thunder Beings... an elder... and a Celtic Crone... quite a combination! LOL
So another time I will address the issue of altered states consciousness and alternative realities. I have a long, long history of religious and then spiritual study on my own. And I have taken what works for me and let the other slip to the wayside. I think I have a perhaps different view on spirituality than perhaps anyone I have know. And yet, it is so easy that it can be found in all religions… well, another time. I am tired now. And I shall rest.
On the blog I started a subject on my theories on gestalt reincarnation which fascinates me. The old theory of God creates the world in 7 days and made Eve out of one of Adam’s ribs simply does not explain it for me. Nor does the idea that we come into this world and die out of it to be judged for our sins and then tossed into a fluffy place call Heaven or a burning fire place called Hell. That hypothesis just sounds like scary stories to me from a time when Human Beings were possibly too primitive to think beyond good and evil. Somehow that story caught on and the majority of people cannot let go of it. That’s the amazing part to me.
I’ve got a lot more to say on this theory, but I think this will have to do for tonight. Tomorrow I will spend a bit of time here expounding on the topic. Writing it out like this seems to solidify my belief system. It’s a good thing to get it out. I’m a very spiritual person and have studied such issues most of my life. I guess I started about 12 with Protestantism and just kept on going from there to where I am today. A rather interesting journey I would say. But we shall see if you will say so as well.
9/18/10
what makes a good story... a good book? For me it is fantasy or another time and place. I like a love story thrown in for good measure. Sometimes I want that sappy sweet kind of story and sometimes I want it to be filled with more history or fantastical stuff. It just depends on my mood. My reading genres are so varied that it is near impossible to put them all down. I have books all over my house. Wall to wall bookshelves in some areas. And there is hardly a room without at least a small book shelf. I have two bedrooms full of storage stuff; and two bedrooms that are usable. I'm a horder, I hate to get rid of things that I feel sure I will need in time. This summer I cleared out a lot of things including some of my books. Children's books that I have had for some 20 years or much more. I loved many of those and I just gave them away. Now I wonder what the hell I was thinking. Sure, there were shelves of them that were of no value or interest for future times. But some of those books I myself would have read again in time simply because I love the story and most of all the illustrations.
What gets into a person? I look around my house at things I should have gotten rid of but did not!
9/19/10 I know what happened to the books. I had a separate box to keep... and I got it mixed in with the ones to go! *heavy sigh* Well, Creator I guess was telling me that material things are just that... material things. Perhaps someone needed them more than I.
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Oh, by the way, this may be a pretty bumpy ride if you’re expecting my ramblings to go in any kind of linear fashion. Native American minds do not work that way and mine surely does not… and I am American Indian. I prefer the name American Indian as I said earlier in this dialogue with and for ME. Anyone born in this country is a Native of such; and therefore, Native American. Those of us with Indian ancestry have the blood of those who met the others on the shores in our veins; we deserve to have American before our name as we were here before. Russell Means in his book, “Where white men fear to tread…,” said something to that effect and I found it satisfied my distaste with the term Native American. Some say First Nations, I believe that term came from Canada; and it suits me as well. Mostly I am always struck by the way the White Man got it so screwed up. Either we were rounded up and driven to reservations or we had to hide our heritage. The law of the land was "annihilation or assimilation." Many of our ancestors chose assimilation to annihilation, so we lost our heritage because in that process we had to hide our ancestry only frequently to be revealed in old age or even on death beds. In my case, we had family stories that stopped short of really telling you something. And this until old ones became too old to remember or else they kept the secret so long they could not still admit it all. A long kept lie becomes the truth at least in the minds of those who only know the lie or those who have kept it too long. Then one day something is revealed and there is a revelation of knowledge. Suddenly one learns why they never fit in… why your mind simply does not work like most of those around you. As you learn more and more you begin to seek out those ones and the longings for something more. And then one day, you are in the company of Indian Elders; you are learning a new way. And that new way feels like home. Just like you have come home, and then it all makes sense.
And then you hear such words as ‘wannabe’ and you feel sickened that something you have valued so much is called seeking another culture instead of regaining your own. And you are embarrassed until you realize that talk comes from pain; the pain of being born on a reservation where you have next to nothing. Where no doubt you or your children have been ripped away and sent off to a mission schools where your spirituality, your culture, the essence of who you are is ripped away from you literally by torture. Then that child is returned to the reservation, concentration camp is probably a better word. And that child is returned to a world that he has been taught is despicable, that world that he or she has been taught is not worthy of human beings. No longer does that lost child know who he or she is or how to be in the world in a right way. They have lost their pride, their dignity and all in the name of religion… annihilation or assimilation. And the lost one does not fit in either world. Being taught that the culture from which they came is unworthy, they also learn that they cannot fit into the world they came from so there they are stuck between two worlds fitting in neither.
They come to a world so poor and desolate that they turn to drink and drugs and abuse their children and their wives. For after all, if you are worthless then anyone or anything that comes to or through you must be worthless as well. It is a horrible vicious circle that has been forced on a people who do not remember who they are. And as I learned these things, yes, and figured them out for myself; I realized that there was a reason for the “wannabe” title. If you can barely remember who you are, then it is ridiculous to believe that someone wants to steal what little you own. And that is your identity. But I say to these ones who think that way, those wannabes are the very ones who remember what you may have lost and they feel cheated. And they remember because it is something in their veins, the very blood in their veins that calls them home. My grandmother used to always say, “The blood will tell.” She was Cherokee and we think probably Choctaw as they lived where she was born. And the Blood does tell, and then I have to say that a reservation does not make an Indian. It is that very blood, no matter how little there is of it that longs for more, longs to know who they are and why they do not fit into the world they are born into. They are like square pegs trying to fit into round holes as the old adage goes. And those wannabes want to stand with those reservation Indians; and by their very numbers give the power to overcome and be heard.
Grandma was an Indian, Grandpa was half, another Grandmother was definitely some part, and on and on. Or maybe like in my case you have Indian ancestry from three of your four grandparents, and you never fit in because you have the feelings and the different way of seeing the world of an Indian even though you don’t know it. And your heritage has been stolen away from you just as surely as if you were stolen to a mission school only it was not beat out of you; it was forced out of you without your knowledge. And it hurts like hell when you are rejected by so many, but not all…until you can figure it out and come to that place where it does not matter what anyone thinks Indian or otherwise. You know who you are and how to be in the world, because you fought for it by letting it lead you to where and what you are, a stranger in a strange world neither fitting in either world. So the story is the same, only you have no name for what was stolen from you, but it is your very soul in many respects. You simply do not know who you are until you seek and seek and seek until there is no answer but that you are different because you are different. You simply are too much Indian to fit into that other box. And then you reach that point where you just don’t care anymore. *smiling* You know who you are and how to be in the world, and you could care less what anyone… and I mean ANYONE thinks about it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~That some how brings my mind to my earliest beginning as an Art Teacher. When I first came to my middle school I recall carrying a resume in my hand and hope in my heart. I had graduated from a two year college that preferred not to call themselves a junior college; after all they might at any time decide to become a four year college… or university I believe in that case. That being said, it was the best junior… I mean two year college in the whole city, perhaps the whole state. The credits from that two year college could transfer to any university in Texas and for that matter any one of them in the country. Now that was a good recommendation. As well, it was less than 4 miles… very convenient… to my house in a pretty darned decent subdivision. I received an Associate’s Degree in Commercial Art. I did not pursue the entire degree because I had already decided to attend a university and work for a degree in art.
From there I proceeded to one of the largest city Universities in the Country, a prestigious university I might add. There I received a Bachelors Degree in Studio Art Painting with enough credits for an art history degree, which they did not offer. I put extra time in taking every art class I could get. I then proceeded to work for an All Level Teacher Certification in Art. I was too old to go the starving artist routine, though I think my work was on that level.
I also worked toward my Master’s Degree in Art Education. I finished all the classes but for the final questions that gave me the degree. I went to work, because I needed the money. My mother in law moved in because she was no longer able to live on her own. And the head of the department that I took all my classes with was gone. She got married and moved on. The new Head had nothing in common with her; she was such a shock to my system that I just dropped it. She was teaching art education the way you would teach people who had no real art experience at all! I was doing an internship at my school for two semesters. She would come to review what I was achieving and she, now that I think of it… not unlike my administrators knew nothing about progressive new ways of teaching art. She wanted me to follow some formula that was for the Core Curriculum. Visual art has nothing in common with the classroom of a core curriculum instructor if it is being taught correctly. We are constantly modifying and working from intuition… what works here does not work there, so we revise. I work hard to bring out the best in my students and send them off from my classes feeling like they can succeed anywhere they go. I teach them not only to make Art; but how to be in the world in a right way. My students crank out wonderful art work, because the more confident you are in whom you are the more it will show in your art work. I teach them to develop there own style, not judge themselves by anyone else’s work. What that does is help them appreciate their unique contribution to society. They realize their own self worth. If I had those students for the rest of their educational career… the weakest apparent talent could turn into a professional artist. That’s the magic I know! And it is pretty well impossible to communicate. You either got it…or you don’t. And that was the way the Doctor of Art Education that I learned from nurtured her students. Though some of us “got it” and others did not. In fact, I think I got it more than anyone else! When she left I had absolutely nothing in common with the new Doctor of Art Ed. I could no more be judged by her standards than I can by the standards of Administrators from Core Curriculum back ground. They just do not get it. But they should get it by looking at the quality of the work my students are able to accomplish and the reaction of those who come through our school and compare the work to high school achievements!
And I wonder, why do they continue to measure me by those other standards and NOT by what I accomplish? I think it has something to do with being “the boss” and lording it over someone else. I know… you don’t… and you will do it my way or the door way. It’s small mindedness; and yes, ignorance of what education can really be all about. But on the other side of the coin they are under the pressure of those above them to accomplish something that their jobs hinge on. I simply cannot see why they are blind to the differences between Fine Arts and Core Curriculum…. We cannot be held to the same standard. And that does not mean that we are NOT competent efficient teachers. We can only be judged by the products of our labors. And now I think of it that is the only way to judge Core as well. We just have completely different processes. I work with the creative part of the brain, which learns and functions in a completely different way than the analytical portion of the brain. But if you do not have both areas of the brain functioning at top performance, you do not have a well integrated individual! When will they learn and stop putting that kind of pressure on us. Hey, here it goes. I’ll bet you money that it is the rest of the faculty. It seems they cannot stand it if we do not have to do things the same way they do; especially ME! Okay, enough on this topic. Art Education is my love and drive, I’m sure it is not that interesting for others! But since I write this more for me than the collective you, then it’s my mind that I have to please.
Well, that was a long ramble... I think I need to give it a rest for awhile...
9/17/10
Okay, my story is still down there somewhere... well, quite a ways down there now.... just changed a couple of words.... can't keep from babying the piece... nursing it along. I have to get back to my book. Damn... it scares me to start putting it back on here again..... *sigh*
Now I am off my career... I'm thinking of some political things... actually 9/11 and the building of a Muslim Mosque near the site. I am appalled at the number of Americans who are up in arms about this! This country was built on religious freedom. We can't blame all Muslims for what a fringe fanatical group was responsible for... oh, wait... yes, we can. A large number of Americans... in fact, if statistics are correct something like 70%... for God's sake! Can't people think for themselves? Do they have to believe every damned thing they hear from any bozo who wants to say it?
Here's what I wish... I wish every religion in the world.... well, wait... not churches of Satan. Even though I don't believe in a Devil...or Satan... yes, evil in the world... but not a devil per se. I wish all the churches of the world would come together and build their churches or temples as close as they can to that site. I wish that they would clear the site and place a huge monolith of some kind of shining white stone... huge... reaching up into the sky like beacon. I wish they would make the place a park with a walk way around the outside and walk ways up to the monolith like the spokes of a wheel... keep it a circle. I would wish that it had beautiful benches all around the site so that people could look up at the monolith and remember that we are all worshipping the same Creator no matter what we call that Deity. We all worship in different ways.. but it is still ONE GOD! I wish that all the religions of the world should be written on the base of that monolith. Beautiful trees... the whole place lit so that it looks like daylight all the time. Lights turned up to the top of that monolith like a beacon to God. Let all people go there and sit in the sight of a place dedicated to ALL religions, including that of my People! Gezuzzz... that would be beautiful! Damned beautiful! And what a slap in the face to all religious fanatics that 9/11 becomes a celebration of religion rather than a condemnation! I'm an artist... *LOL* I think about these things.
I'm not a Christian. I don't know if I said that below or not. I'm American Indian. Russell Means doesn't like the word Native American... nor do I. We were here first; we deserve to have American first. His book, "where white men fear to tread" is a powerful piece of work. I count it as one of my favorite books. In any case, I have European ancestry as well. So I count that I am a cross between an Am. Indian and a Celtic Jew... LOL Sorry I could not resist that bit of humor. Actually, it's closer to the truth than anything I could ever call myself.
Since I am isolated, I worship in the traditional way of my Peoples. I kinda let Spirit/Creator lead me in that Way. I've dedicated my life to the Thunder Bird/Beings. And I have some powers, but they are only powers of asking... not making things happening. I learned summer before last that I had said powers in other ways than asking for weather changes. I think that kinda opened a window in my mind. I need to do some more of that here. I did that back home up north. It's a good feeling to know that you have a connection with the Creator through Nature and that it is real and that there is tangible evidence to support it.
Sometimes I'm tempted to use it in a negative way... right now I would like to send a little lightening bolt to my Principal and her Administrators to jolt them awake as to what they are doing. My experience is that when you work with women.... in control... I don't care what color they are... it gets like teenagers... they can be so damned catty... and they feed off each other. Now I have to say that through all this crap, some of the men teachers have been the nicest to me. I don't mean fawning over me, but just speaking to me in the hall before I have to speak to them.... stopping for a moment to ask how I am like they really mean it. My teacher cart handle slipped out of my fingers on my way out yesterday. One of the men teachers coming by picked it up for me, and pulled it to the office. He even offered to pull it out to the car. I was taken by surprise by his niceness... he was just plain being nice. And I was really moved by the experience.
Ah, well... confessions aside... LOL here goes one.... There were about 7 things that were going to be assessed during that month's probational thingie.. one was that I refused to follow directives... I'm not a kiss ass, you might guess from these ramblings. If I think something, I say it. If I do something wrong, I will admit it. That directive thing stuck in my craw... well, it all stuck in my craw! But... I was in the middle of "meaningful instruction" (which I have always done!) when an office worker came into the classroom. She said, Mrs. BlahBlah wants you to fill out this ballot to vote for the Teacher of the Year before you leave today. She had a whole stack of them, so it was not just me. But that just went all over me! I took the paper and tore it into 4 pieces. I gave it back to her and I told her, "I have worked at this school for almost 12 years, and I have never been nominated for anything. I don't know who is on the ballet and I don't care. You tell her, I said, NO." She was grinning from ear to ear with eyes sparkling, and I never really thought she liked me. So I don't exactly know how to take that grin! LOL What I was actually thinking was here goes.. not following another directive. I hope she realized that. Man, I can be a nasty old bitch! I just hate it when I have a fit of temper like that! It just goes all over me! The kids said, "what was that about... what did she want you to do." I said, "that's none of your concern, now let's get back to instruction." And we did, but you know... LOL I saw a whole new look of admiration in the eyes of those children! We had a good time with the rest of that class period! They are finally parring my classes down to about 25 students. Last week, I had standing room only in that classroom. I mean, I had 44 kids in a classroom with table for 34! They were all over the place! And there is nothing you can do with a class that large. And YET, that was when my designated administrator came in to assess my performance. Do I think they got it out for me... you better believe it!
Well, I may regret that little incident come Monday cause some people might take it as something against those running. That was the farthest thing from my mind. I was fed up with a woman no older than myself telling me I had to do this OR that like I was some kind of peon... wow, that's a word I have not used in many years nor heard for that matter. But it surely works there. In my culture we are taught to respect Elders... I'm an Elder compared to her. Maybe others will kiss her ass, but I will not... nor will I kiss any other ass for that matter. That just goes against the grain! I've never been able to do that! I'm a human being standing up on two legs... I expect to be treated that way. I give back what I get. If she wants better from me, she better starting giving me better! I will follow as long as the leader is leading in a good way. If not... then I won't be a very good follower. That goes right back to my Indian culture. A leader was only a leader as long as people wanted to follow him. When they did not, he was not. The white man said we had chiefs... that was white man talk.
9/17/10
Well, I just read over what I wrote about the vicious attack on my teaching ability. My son came up and taped that conversation which I meant to say went from "we have to think of the children first... we need teachers who are here every day" (I was under doctor's care! oh, it ended with, of course, we want you to be well.) And yes, I was emotional under all the stress of health issues plus the pressure at school. I'm getting off track just as I did below! OkayOkay, when my son come to school to support me in that conference; it suddenly turned to "of course, we are concerned with your health, that is our first concern... we just want you to be alright!" Amazing... my son taped the whole thing! Praise God for that. He still has it. The last confrontation shortly before school was out I called the union. I wasn't too pleased with the rep they sent... he did not do very well representing me with them... but it was enough that they took the pressure OFF! I'm not going here..... too frustrating. But I am covering my ass... as best I can. I have watched the double standard at my school since this new principal has gotten our school.
It just dawned on me driving home from work yesterday that the principal of a school sets the tone for the entire faculty. If I get anything at school, it has to be explained away. She is the Liaison for a Fine Arts Grant. I asked for it! I am the Visual Art teacher... or as the district says, Visual Art Specialist! We had a theater teacher who was brand new. We were it... the Fine Arts Department. Yes! I felt like I should be the Liaison. You would have thought the principal made me President of the School... I was shunned from day one! Then we got a Band instructor. I ask her, if I could be the Fine Arts Head. I noticed you was a bit nervous, but she said, "yes, of course, you would be the one to get the position." Last year after only having it for one year, I ask to be released from the position since it was just too much with the Liaison work. I didn't add that since I got so little support from the faculty who had minor things to do in support and had to be beat over the head to get them.... some of them to carry through. In any case, the Prin. said at our faculty meeting that we had a new department head of Fine Arts. I mean there was SILENCE... not a sound! And she literally said, "she asked for the position." Which didn't help much, but I did here people start to breathe again! I felt like falling through the floor! After that I was pretty much treated like a leper by most of the faculty. I can't go any farther... it has been hell and getting worse every year now... only now I have the strength to deal with it.
9/16/10
Just did a quick reread of the story. I found a couple of words that just did not seem to work together as I would wish. Changed them up. Hope it works. I need to start another one I think.
Okay, I was totally demoralized on the 13th... today I woke up feeling like "what the hell"... this harrassment sounds to me like someone not wanting to renew my contract... if it is, what the hell... I have no intentions of worrying about that... I've been at that school for twelve years, and all of a sudden I'm being held under a microscope? I had health issues made worse by the harrassment for two years instead of support! Now this year, I thought things would be better.... but NO! So, what the hell... bring it on, I can take it! Just don't expect me to grovel, cause I won't!
The art work of my students is up and down the hall ways contesting to my ability as an art teacher! Every one who comes into our school is astonished at the work my students do. I know how to bring out the best in any artist... young or old! Last year my student art work was given as gifts to administrators. My principal still has some of their art work, which she doesn't seem too eager to talk about now that I think about it. Trust me, they would not be making the art work they're making without my concepts and direction! We had a district wide art show last year, and my student's work was the talk of the show! I know how to teach art to ANYONE who wants to learn from Abstract to Expressionism to Realism. And I can do them all! As well as Sculpture. I can crank out clay busts that LOOK LIKE the Sitter! Cause I have an innate ability, I have cultivated it. I have seen how I learn, and how those I help learn, and how those I do not help but work with learn! And I figured out how to teach that like a science! No paint by numbers... just one thing leading into another until students who came into art thinking they had no talent at all; become successful and proud of their work! I love what I do... and I do it well! And I damned well know it!
Alright enough of that. Today I happened to think on my way to work that I have always loved Red Delicious Apples. I'm from up north where Apples taste like apples! I bought a couple the other day. They had no flavor to speak up. I never ate such a bland apple in my life! I had to throw it away! I put it out for animals or birds, even that was sad. They deserve good fruit as well! Genetic engineering! They've ruined our food, air, water, and they're killing the Earth Mother! It is lunacy! And what now?
The Right Wing nutsos are killing our country and there seems no way to stop them in their ignorance. They follow snake oil salesmen like Rush Limbaugh, Sara Palin, and Glen Beck! They listen to their lies and don't even bother to find out the truth. And these people by in large call themselves good Christians. They are as fanatical as the Muslim extremests. I think I just spit up in my mouth a little bit...
9/13/10
Despite the tirade below, I reread my short story and found another couple of small revision needs. The baby still requires nursing. And I truly am falling in love with it.
9/13/10
Just about the time I think things are smoothing out at my job, some bullsh.... well, stuff I don't expect comes up. I was so excited about getting ready for Rodeo art.... now all of a sudden I'm getting the same BS that I got winter before last after a couple of weeks of hospitalization. I also had the flu and missed a week of school. Mind you, I was in a hospital under a doctor's care and a doctor's care for the flu; and my principal decided to make an issue of it. My son came up that time and taped the conversation we had with the Principal which went from our major concern has to be for the students. We have to have teachers who are on the job, not ill. Didn't matter that I was under a doctor's care. Last Spring it started again. No AC in my room half of the time. Too bad for me. I was not supposed to email or get sick. I'm a diabetic. The heat makes my blood sugar soar. At the end of the year, I learned that I was supposed to have an AC therostat (hope I spelled that right... what they hell). What I had was a box with two live wires hanging out of it. So all year, my AC would only stay on for 2 hours, then run out until I called for AC help... and recall, I was not supposed to email. By the end of the year, one of the VP's saw it and had them come and put it on stating that it was dangerous the way it was. I emailed when I was sick and I emailed if I had an issue of concern. I got very upset over the AC and had words with my principal. She was in the process of writing me up. This time I called the union. In any case, after that she and I made peace and she said we would just let it go. Oh, forgot, last year some student reported me for stern language. He was 3 days back from CEP... disciplinary school... bad.
Now today, I was called into the office and told that I was on some kind of disciplinary probation for a month; and would have to go through the PDAS instead of the MPDAS, which I had already decided on and did not turn in paper work saying that I want the same MPDAS (teacher reports). Now today there is a whole string of things that I was accused of and my rebuttals were ignored! And I was informed that a student said I said "shut up" and that I said, Yo Momma or Yo Mammy! I have never used those last two words in my life not to mention my 12 years for service at my school. Did I get a change to defend myself? NO!
This is getting way too much.... I'm a Visual Art teacher.... and my classes have been over 40 students in some classes. The one she was in had 44 students. And I have 34 tables/desks! BS... I'm feeling discriminated against. And I not happy. I'm the only white looking teacher in faculty of mostly Black teachers and a few hispanic teachers. The fact that I identify with my Am. Indian Culture does not seem to matter. I'm just a white looking face it appears.
Am I pissed off? Yeah, so all I can do is sound off here today. I'll do better another day. Right now, I have to decide what I need to do about my work situation.
9/12/10
Reread my short story and found one word that did not convey the meaning I wanted... actually a double use that disrupted the flow of the story. That's not bad. I'm still nursing my baby.
Why "When I am old, I shall wear camouflage?" There is a wonderful book, 'when I am old, I shall wear purple"... I don't remember the author, but I gave it to my mom... I said that by the time she finished reading it, I should be old enough to read it myself. Well, I didn't know how close I was to correct; she's still reading the book, and I gave it to her last winter. She says she doesn't read so much anymore, mostly the paper. And I notice there are a lot of newspapers by her recliner where she reads. *shrug* Go figure, she read books avidly as do I.
So, in any case, I decided to steal part of the title for my own. I discovered a couple of years ago that camouflage pants are especially comfortable. I picked up a pair at a thrift store as we were "in the trenches for education" or maybe, "fighting for education"... some such thing at my school. We were supposed to wear camouflage, so I stopped by at a thrift store and as luck had it; I found a pair that same day. I was not about to go buy expensive camouflage gear to wear one day a week to school! Well, I put them on for school, and discovered I didn't want to take them off. Of course, I could only wear them one day a week at school. So I started wearing them on the weekends and evenings. Pure comfort. Someone had worn them to a soft faded fabric, they were perfect.
I didn't give much thought to the camouflage theme until I got to looking in my closet; and found I had bought a pair of camouflage gators... no, crocks... those plastic shoes that are so comfortable and great for those rainy days. War or fighting or even hunting; which by the way I am not against, had nothing to do with my new found delight. They were the look of nature right there on my feet. Then I noticed in previous years I had bought camouflage tee shirts. Both crocks and tees have that pattern of tree bark, limbs and leaves in lovely shades of moss green and browns. Then I realized that I had an old skirt that I could not wear any longer, and it was camouflage. As well, I had and have a pair of camouflage cropped legged pants, which I still wear though they are becoming well worn. So my penchant for camouflage was not new with our school theme. I'm a teacher, by the way.
One day my sister was visiting at my mother's; and I put on all my camouflage from head to foot. It just struck me as funny to think that only five or ten years ago, I would not have dreamed of leaving my house in such a get up! LOL It made me laugh. I said to my family when I got there that I really believed that no one saw me walk down there. Okay, *shrug* a bit of a blank look from most; cause I think they were surprised that I would walk out of my house looking like that as well. I didn't care, I love it. As I recall, my sister in law was the one who laughed with me.
The point to me is that it is comfortable. I feel like I am closer to nature in that garb. And it feels like me. I'm a Native American, I prefer American Indian. And I'm of Celtic descent through my Scots, Irish, and Welsh ancestry. (I'm also Dutch... hmmm... maybe that explains my artistic talent? So many wonderful Dutch Artists throughout art history.) In any case, I believe that a cross between the American Indian and Celtic Druid ideas explains my spirituality. I have completely rejected Christianity as a religion for me. I don't care if anyone else does or not. To me, we are all worshipping the same Diety anyway. The Jesus story is too much like a fairy tale to me. In any case, I'm getting off point. Right then and there with those camouflage pants I decided that when I retired, I would wear camouflage! In the mean time, I wear it when I want to. But when I am retired, I shall buy whole suits of it... maybe I will even go to the thrift stores and see if I can find where someone has given them away like the one pair I have. Meaning they will be soft and well worn; and therefore, comfortable as an old shoe.
You see, I'm a bit of an eccentric, I do believe. And I fear I will grow worse as I grow older. I'm also becoming very reclusive; and I am content to spend days on end alone. Often I only go out for work or groceries or to see after my mother; and that only because I must. I go to see my children and grandchildren when I can. I will never stop going to see them, if they will have me... ;) in camouflage.
I'm a teacher and my job is very stressful due in part to other health issues that I deal with; so part of the staying at home may be that... and part may be as I described above. How do we know these patterns that start out so small will spiral not into things that are much greater a scheme of things than ever we dreamed. (wow.... that was a weird run on complex sentence... and I'm not even going to try to correct it!) LOL Life is a mystery and only in hindsight can we really see it as it is... or was. At the time, we just stumble along doing the best we can with what we have to work with. We have these blinders on that allow for only that one decision due to so many different circumstances, then one day we look back... and it's all so different and yet all so clear that we were walking our way along that path toward some goal long before we became aware.
I'm becoming more spiritual as I age, and I think that is part of the reclusive part of my nature. Nature, interesting choice of words since I am very close to nature and growing more so all the time. That is my spirituality, my connection to the Creator through Nature. I look back and can see this coming most of my life gradually progressing even when I was little aware just as it was with the camouflage. When did I notice that I was being drawn to that clothing? Not until I had several garments; but I had collected those garments over a period of probably over ten years. So it is with my spirituality. I have collected... well, powers for want of a better word for most of my life; and I was not really aware of it until the last three or four years. Now suddenly I am totally aware of the things that I can do with and through Nature. The things that I can ask for are most often given if possible; and sometimes when it hardly seems possible. These things I may recount at another time as the Spirit moves me. I'm complicated and far from normal.
And when I grow old I shall wear camouflage; not to hide myself, but to be myself.
Okay, this is me... LOL
9/11/10
I started a new blog... so I thought I might as well do this kind of commentary thing until I get my book ready or feel like tackling it again. This stuff is just right off the top of my head... LOL I'm great at that! check out the blog if you want to read more of my drivel... you will notice the tab above leads you to it... I tell for you Blog!
9/10/10
Once again I came here simply to read my little story again. Make sure I still liked it. Of course, I found glaring errors! LOL It's much harder to write a short story than a long one. I have spent about as much time on this as I have on whole chapters of my book. For some reason, it seems important. I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps because I read so many short stories for one of my core curriculum classes at UH. I think short stories are in many ways more difficult, and the ones I like the best are the ones that have obscure meanings. I love to wrangle out the symbolism. So I guess this has been a challange for me. And it did just come to me in the middle of the night. I did not plan or even think about writing a short story! LOL Now I have started, I feel I simply must get it right. Right? Well, right for me, I'm not sure what else right could be.
Hey, wait a minute; stories that come into your mind in the night are perhaps merely another form of dreaming so that all the symbolism in this story is about me! Wow, revelation... I'll have to read it again with that in mind. I know all my art work is about me... LOL vain, egotistical artists! Yes, I believe it is egotistical as well as vain! There is something about an artist and our work that no matter how reclusive we are screams..."look at me... look at me!" Okay, I'll read it another day. I don't want to "look at me" right now! LOL
September 3, 2010
I think I have it revised to suit myself. Although when I read it tomorrow, I may find some other small detail that doesn't suit me. It's like nursing a baby... LOL you want to do it right! How the hell do I know? I never nursed a baby! LOL But I know others who did.
September 1, 2010
I keep rewriting and changing the story below, then I wonder if I have made it better or was the original as it just came out of my mind the best of the two. *shrug* One cannot say. It's like raising a child, you cannot know how it will turn out. You can only love your dear children just as they are, and hope for the best. You accept them as they are, and hope they will do the same for you.
August 31, 2010Watched the 11th episode of True Blood. It was good and unexpected. I like that Jessica and Hoyt got back together. That was great! I don't like that Eric appears to have died, but somehow I think his plan included saving his life. Tara back with Sam, that was good... Sam knows how to do a love scene. Alex really really does! LOL Curious to see where Jason and Crystal will go. Lot to deal with sounds like... Hotshot and all. Poor Tommy, it's so obvious that he can't read or write. Probably never had a chance to go to school. Sam will hate himself when he realizes the truth. Tommy's been raised as poorly as Crystal. It will take a lot of love and understanding to put them to rights. What the hell was that about Renee coming back! That is creepy. As well the stuff Laffy is having to go through. I hate to see it end! *sigh*
August 28, 2010 (September? How did I lose a whole month! LOL I've corrected them.)Okay... hey, I never realized how much I use that little word when writing thoughts... I rarely use it verbably. Weird.
Okay... LOL I made some minor corrections, but I still like the bit of writing below. I don't know what to call it! I'm not a poet by a long shot! I guess it's a little story. In any case, I still like it.
August 22, 2010
Okay, I woke up from a deep sleep with these lines moving around in my head. It was like typing something I heard instead of thought up. I thought I would share it with whomever might come here to read. It's rough, but I reread it just now... and I kinda like it. I hope you will as well.
A Cold Winter’s Day
There’s something almost sinister about bare brown trees in winter, their limbs rattling in the cold clacking like a flock of blackbirds. Tree trunks blocking ones vision on either side of the road until suddenly they abruptly end and open into empty fields.
A mud rutted lane frozen solid leads up to and past an antique mansion from an era long gone. The large three story building sprouts solidly like a huge brick cube growing out of the frozen earth. A thin grey smoke stream winds its way up from a lonely chimney into the sky and disappears on the wind.
As one draws nearer to that brick facade, she appears to squat there like an ancient dowager wearing a narrowly slanted slate roof like a flat felt hat such as old women are often want to wear. Though it would be much too cold for such a head covering this day when no one should be out and about, but cozened up to a nice warm fire.
Watching closely so as not to trip on the frozen ruts in the road, I look up and see something move. Something I had not noticed before. As I draw nearer I see a woman standing off to the side of the old stone relic so out of place in this empty barren landscape.
She draws her shawl more tightly around her shoulders as though that would keep out the cold or hold back the wind from whipping her scarf and skirt. Long strands of black hair battle wind and scarf as though seeking freedom from both. In the distance one hears a frozen tree branch groan, then crack with the sound of a whip.
No relic from another time, the woman is; however, past middle age. By the way she moves it is clear she is no stranger to hard work. She rubs her hands together to keep the circulation moving and perhaps to be sure she can still feel them. Her lips are blue from the cold and numb. She purses them together trying to warm them. Cupping her hands, she draws them up to her mouth; then breathes into them to fight away the cold.
Her eyes trail over the barren garden, the few plants left bent and frozen brown to the earth. With a deep sigh, a sound that carries over a distance on the crisp winter air like a moan; she exhales a puff of steam as her breath freezes on the air.
No cloud mares the surface of the sky only the unrelenting frozen sun. She makes a little shelf of one hand to hold over her eyes and block out some of the glare of that cold blue sun of a hard winter's day. She looks as though she might be trying to soak up some of the warmth she knows is behind that white looking ball hidden in a haze of smoky blue. Or might she be trying to guess how long it will take for the sun to burn up the cold winter sky, and bring back the warmth of spring.
She stares until she can no longer bear the light. Or, is it the cold? I wonder how long she's been there beside her solid brick house with the barren winter all around her. She turns to move back along the stone path to the house. As she turns a blank spot will follow her vision where the sun had been there before. For several steps it will block her vision, then it will disappear as her eyes grow accustomed to the shadow cast by her own body. She moves a little faster hunching over as she walks away from the sun. Her leather shoes make little patting sounds on the stone path; and her skirts whip around her legs popping like wet sheets on a clothes line.
Shivering in the cold she climbs the short stair steps leading up to a small stoop. She opens first the outer door, which she braces open with her back as she opens the inner door. She turns to close that door carefully, and I presume to lock it tightly shut. I see her shadow as she pauses there. Then she closes the heavier inner door in the same precise manner.I walk by her house, and I wonder if she was even the least aware that I was there on a cold winter's day.
Tricia Pryce
August 22, 2010 p.m.
Last revision Sept. 10, 2010
August 22, 2010 a.m. Started rewriting and proof reading my book this morning. As I get pages ready in their final draft form, I shall republish them here. This means that I have been imagining this story most of this year. And have formally been presenting it since May 10, 2010 (the birthday of my daughter who died in an Auto Accident just before her 19th birthday.) Hope you will come read this new version. I think you might be surprised...
Still working on the Book... look for it to start returning soon... right now I'm getting ready for students... a teacher's work is never done. I miss them, I'll be glad to see them back on Monday!
August 21, 2010 p.m. I do not get tired of watching Eric Northman on True Blood. The Vamp is to die for.... *baring throat* well, haven't heard from him yet... so I suspect there are no shortage of bared throats wherever he is! Besides... I have grandbabies... doesn't make me one of the most appealing bared throats he could think of... LOL well, thank God, I'm happy to just follow his career... and drool, of course!
I loved GenKill, this woman who would have to be tied kicking and screaming to watch one... a war movie! I've looked at all of his old stuff! The man's unbeatable! *throwing a kiss in the air in his general direction... looking around* I'm probably the only Indian in the world with no real sense of direction! LOL
An other aside: Jessica is beautiful.... no gettin' round it! Eric is beautiful... I believe that if Alan Ball has any sense at all, he should find a way to get them together! LOL Sookie... Bill... boring! (8/30/10.. okay, Jessica is back with Hoyt and that is just great! Last night was amazing... I wonder how they are managing to keep Eric alive! Two weeks for the finale... wah wah wah... LOL)
Eric for me and many I know is the main attraction... I think Jessica is fast becoming the most popular female character on the show! Put them together... you got dynamite!
I think it would do Alex good to get next to her in real life... or someone like her... Kate just keeps the paparazzi on their tails... and that's my honest opinion! She likes it!
Look closely at most of the hunt downs... Alex doesn't really act like he's with her most of the time. Kinda looks like she's more keeping it together between them than he... Alex is ahead trying to get away from them and sometimes it looks like her as well... Kate is somewhere behind or near him looking on like she's enjoying his discomfort. It keeps her in the limelight! She likes that!
That's body language, children! LOL
August 20, 2010
That having been said, I would like to make a suggestion to TB writers at this juncture. You can use it with impunity! Sookie is too stupid to breath! She's all drama... she loves it! She's like, "I thought it could work, but I can see it can't, good bye"... then, Bill is all tears, tears, "I'm no good for you"... then, I'm sorry! I love you." And Sook's all tears, tears, "I love you too!" Stupid wild sex scene that we are all bored with at this point in time. Gezuzz, give um to each other! They deserve it! Hell, let Alcide have a go at her!
My suggestion, give Jessica to Eric! Let him help her get rid of her virginity once and for all! He's old as dirt, he knows all kinds of things those young Vamps don't! I know he can do it with enough practice, and it would serve Bill right AND Sookie! And it would be a story line I WOULD enjoy. *Discret suggestion behind the hand* I suspect he could heal her while he was inside.. ya know... kinda strong like... jamba juice! Or something like that... feel free to use your imaginations! LOL (Nevermind! LOL)
I expect to start getting paid for these tips!
August 18, 2010 P.M.
... okay, stop cryin' around... will serve no purpose... let it go... I'm sure going to try.
August 18, 2010 A.M... woke up recalling Eric saying that "Russell inserts himself into society" at any given time... damn it... that was directly from my book! It hurts... I am stunned that someone as big as this series and HBO would do such a thing... and I'm also stunned that if they have read my stuff and my channel, then they know what a big fan I am AND that I would notice!
I'm just a widow out here in the middle of no where trying to make a living... I have extraordinary talents and no way or no how to market them... either my artwork or my imagination.... I feel deflated this morning...
I know some very few of you have been coming here to read what I have written, so you know that what I say is true. Now I go back to school today as a matter of fact... and I will have little time to work on this as the life of a teacher gets hectic.
This past week, I have been sick all week. On top of that my air conditioner pan overflowed and I fixed that on my own. Within two days, I got a leak in the attic. I had to pay to get that water line fixed. Money is an issue for me.. a very real one. Then my waterheater broke and water was running out of it all over the garage floor. I'll have to get a new one this weekend. I was too sick when it broke and have only felt like a human being the last couple of days. Sunday the water line that leads to the commode started leaking, I woke up to water all over the bathroom floor. I turned it off at the tank and stopped the leak, but now I have only one bathroom. All this on top of being sick, mind you!
And now I find that my little struggles to write a book are being stolen by someone as huge as HBO/True Blood! Maybe my little turn of phrases mean nothing to them... but it does to me.
Damn it, I used to know a reader from a publishing house, but that was so long ago I can't even remember her name. I'm awful about letting people walk out of my life without a word. That's very Indian. It's in our nature not to say Good bye... but rather to say something in the order of "see you"... we don't let go of people... we just drift away. If it is the will of Creator, we will come back to that person. Then, it's just like we never left.
I wasn't raised Indian. In fact, I didn't know much about it until the old ones in the family started reaching the age to cross over to the other side. Then I started searching for it. I have been on a religious quest all of my life. I found it in my heritage. And I found as well that I had been spoon fed all of my life so many of the attitudes of Indian Culture by parents who were not even much aware that they were Indian! People who pass for White do not leave a heavy trail. And sometimes when one is old, they are so used to keeping a secret that they can no longer remember the details... only to swipe the knowledge with a broad brush.
Okay, I'm way off track and it is time to get ready to go to work. I go back with a heavy heart this morning.
August 17, 2010
rewatched the last episode about 4 times now.... and Hadley said, "they just don't think like other people".... LOL oh, crap... it's just the little things... but when I try to do something with MY book, someone will say... "she got that from TrueBlood"... *hssss* LOL *slap Allen Ball upside the head with a little thunder bolt... Boom... give Alex and Stephen a whack as well* (little Hadley was just playing her part... she's an innocent victim just like me!) LOL
I guess I'm going to have to get my ass in gear and get my book back up on my site so people who have read it and those who do will see that those were MY ideas first! Damn it! LOL Thank God I have a sense of humor... and it was only little things... not major.... so is life!
August 17, 2010Oh, hell, no... I base my vampire movements and attitudes on that of a Black Panther... now I read that Alex based Eric on a Lion? I just saw Bill heal Sookie's bite wounds... my Vamp does that... I never saw that on TB before... am I losing my Mind? Or does a writer for TB care enough to read my channel... and my rough draft book? *hands in the air* And I was worried about someone wantin' to steal my damned book idea? LOL Well, that's what one gets for being naive! Doesn't matter if you're a Mom and a Grammie... or what! You can still be too damned naive to breath! Instead of stealin' my stuff... why don't they just invite me to help write for them! Damn it, give me strength! *inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale* I've got a lot more ideas than that... btw...
I think I'm going to call down the ThunderBeings on this damned crap... and don't think I can't.... cause I can! I just don't like to! My connection is for spiritual matters... or damn it, I would! Forgive me ThunderBeings... I have my eyes on the Red and Purple Sunset... sometimes, it's easy to forget when you pour so much of yourself into something you love! I trust that You guide my Way... and I know that it is always for my highest good. Aho mitakawe oyacin... all are my relatives. (imitation is the highest form of praise no matter its source)
Cause and Caution: Prelude to a Bite: (empty at present)
8/15/10: As I said, I started writing this story back in Feb., 2010... well, formally, this particular version was an idea rumbling around in my head for about a year. (I assure you there are many other versions... I have a vivid imagination. LOL) I've been making up stories for myself all of my life. This happens to be one of them. I toyed with putting it down on paper or on Word... but when you're a teacher, time is limited for extra curricular activities! lol *teacher talk*
But, I'm dead serious about this project now and I shall let nothing stand in my way... well, I might have to let my job stand in my way, but other than that... wait, I would let my grandchildren stand in my way anytime... my kids? They're grown... unless it is an emergency... or... they just need me. Wait, Mom, I have mom to worry about.... well, not worry... but help take care of her.
So, *deep breath*... so, except for those afore mentioned things, I shall let NOTHING stand in my way of finishing this book that I have already invested most of my summer working on... well, when I was not seeing to the above mentioned people....
oh, my... living your life is hard sometimes... thanks be to Creator, I'm a widow and live alone... so I have some... oh, hell... if you've come this far, you know I don't have a lot of time! But I WANT to do this BOOK, it feels vital to my self worth! I want to be an author... and I think I have an individual voice in this genre...
but then... how do I get it published? That's my dream... to be published... to see my book in a book store on the fantasy shelf... boldly standing out... with my name on the damned thing... LOL it's a good dream!
Aug. 7, 2010: Okay, I was copying a section that hadn't been revised at all. In fact, I typed it on the spot right here on weebly, so it was rough. Sometimes hands that type on autopilot make the most stupid mistakes! LOL
I do apologize to anyone who read that drivel... for that is what it was... I'm still working on final revisions and rewritings. I guess this should be on the blog? Hmmm... I have surely gotten things screwed up here. *shrug* What can I say... I new to this! LOL
Aug. 5, 2010: This book was officially a serious indeavor since May 10, 2010; though I had been recording it since Feb., 2010, I only started typing from my rough drafts on that date.
May 10th is the birthday of my oldest daughter who died in an auto accident. This book will be dedicated to her, my beautiful darling baby girl, and my two beautiful remaining children who kept me in the world after her death.
This is the beginning.... Cause and Caution in progress.... empty for now.... rewriting and revising... same format... just better researched and worded. I said I wouldn't, but found some glaring errors that I knew were not historically accurate. I have made so many rewritings that the one that was up was far from what it has become.
Since this is not just a story for me.... I figured I better do a bit of research. And so I have, though nothing major. I still firmly believe that the story itself is more important than any historical detail. I'm writing a piece of fiction, not a historical treatise.
I hope you will enjoy the new version. I have enjoyed imagining it, and that is the important thing. If I only wrote for you... I would be sorely disappointed, if you didn't enjoy the story as much as I. There's a blog attached, nothing fancy... just hurried up and it put on the way I did with the story... now I'm finding that was rather naive... LOL
But, check back, if you like the drift of what you have read thus far. :)